Grief and Stuff

    You know we had the Schrivermarathon.blogspot.com blog let people know how we were but we also made that blog when Gary and I sat down and decided to live out loud for all to see. We decided that if we were going to go through this that there would be other people who had to got through it and we did not want them to feel all alone in their battle. We have been so blessed by people that have told us that our blog meant so much to them. That blog is only updated once or twice in a year now.
   
     The marathon of faith has changed. Gary is receiving his reward but the girls and I are still running our marathon of faith. I started a book about mine and Gary's life a while ago and I plan on keeping up with it hopefully one day eventually publishing it. I type until I cry so hard I can't type any more. I have a new thing I want to write about. Something that so many people have to go through and that is grief. I am not a physiologist or a minister so I do not know the right things to tell people about what they should or should not feel. I do have experience. When people say "man I know how you feel" odds are they don't really know how you feel. That is okay I would be so thrilled for no one in this world would have to experience the pain that I have. I want to write a book from the heart friend to friend to that person who just needs to know that they are not alone.

   This is a huge thing for me to admit that I am doing this. I am really good at starting things not so much on finishing things. I am also super self conscious but I feel very strongly that this is the path God wants me to follow. I would treasure your feedback on content. Do you think that this would be a useful book. I have attached the first few pages on the bottom of this. Spelling and Grammar gets fixed latter so ignore that all you grammar natzis. Gary grabbed my face and told me to write my story down and don't be afraid before he died.

   I can take the criticism  if you have it. I guess I need to throw this out here so I can't deny it anymore. If I keep it on my computer and not tell anyone the chances of me having the confidence to get this done is zero. Thank you for your feedback


First part of the book starts here:

My whole life growing up was spent thinking about the man that would one day sweep me off my feet and give me his name. I even made a wish list for God down to every minute detail, like he had to be taller than me and have bigger feet then mine. As soon as I saw my future husband I knew it was him, at least I was pretty sure. He fulfilled every want and requirement on my wish list.  I was right we started dating and were married within a year. We struggled along the first couple of years we were married but we were absolutely committed to each other and not leaving. Our life was not easy we had a ton of medical issues and three daughters born in three and a half years. Through all that we grew more and more in love with each other with each passing day. Soon we found ourselves married for 16 years. I remember that anniversary calculating that I would have been a Schriver longer than a Smith in 6 years when I turned 43. That was a big milestone for us, he remembered when his mom was a Schriver longer than a Mercer it meant so much to her and to Gary and he wanted that same special marriage his parents had. We had an amazing life, we weren’t rich we lived paycheck to paycheck but we had a house FULL of love and that was enough for us both.

 

 A few months after Gary turned 40 our perfect world shattered. Gary had gone to the doctor for what he thought was arthritis and it turned out to be metastatic bone cancer. It is amazing what one phone call can do to your seemingly perfect life. The first few weeks of his diagnosis was spent in a haze I do not think either of us could really comprehend what we were about to go through. Soon after the haze lifted anger set in. How could God do this to us? How could he allow this to happen to our perfect marriage? I thought God had spent 16 years making perfection to break it now? I was angry!! I would get so angry I couldn’t function and I would leave the kids with my mom and take a drive and clear my head. One night on one of those drives God did not try and tell me it was going to be ok he asked me if I would love him no matter what? That made me really think for the first time that yes Gary could actually die from this. If the worst happened and he died could I still love God? It took some soul searching but the answer was eventually yes. I told God that I might not be too happy with him but I would always love him no matter what happened.

 I would love to write that catharsis was an amazing turn around and he was healed and we lived happily ever after. Happily ever after did not happen for us. Gary battled hard for two long years. I watched this strong amazing 330-pound man who was full of life waste away before my eyes. When he died he was less than 180 pounds and every dignity was stripped of him one by one. From his walking unassisted to even going to the bathroom. When he took his last breath he was a shell of who he was physically but his spirit was still there as strong as ever. 

For this next part to be funny you have to know that my husband was an amazing singer. His voice was like putting on a warm sweater out of the dryer.  A few days before he died, I had been on a 24-hour watch of him for about 2 weeks and one early morning he was in a lot of pain and groaning. So I gave him his medicine and started to gently rub his arms and sing a song to him. The song may have not been exactly on key but I was trying and every time I got off key he would groan at me in disapproval. That was proof to me that his body was failing but Gary was still Gary. The day before he died my youngest came up to Gary and told him that she loved him and he was able to muster a “love you moo moo” back to her. That was the last he spoke in this world. I told her that is her special treasure. Daddy’s last love you.

The night before he died I was driving home from work with my youngest and it was a horrible stormy day that day but when we drove home that night it was the most amazing beautiful sunset. I told her that is what God is going to do in our lives he is going to make the most beautiful thing come from the horrible storms. Little did I know the next evening we would gather around Gary’s bed to tell him goodbye.

I knew in my heart that the day was coming soon for Gary to go to heaven but I still didn’t want to believe it. I was still holding out for a miracle. He died August 2^nd 2011 four days shy of the two-year anniversary of his diagnosis.

His memorial service and the first few months after his death were a blur. We managed, we tried to jump back onto life but we weren’t very successful. We tried to carry on but our life, as we knew it could not carry on because the center of that life was no longer there. We had to learn how to recreate ourselves. Mainly me, I was a mom a typical stay at home mom never really worked and now the breadwinner of my family is gone and I am going to have to figure out what I need to do to step into that role of breadwinner.

I remember when the girl’s children’s pastor told me when Gary was alive that they were going to walk with us as we journey into this new role as single parent. I remember I was livid with him, not for what he said but for putting  the words into reality that I was still trying to avoid. I used to get so angry at people when they would misquote the Bible and tell me that God wouldn’t put more on us then we could handle. I would angrily retort and say well that can’t be true because we passed more than I could handle about two years ago. God never promises us that. I promise look it up that verse they quote talks about being tempted with sin more than you can handle without giving you a way out. Misquoting that verse has made so many people embittered toward God. What is a more appropriate verse would be HIS strength is made whole in my weakness or where I am weak he is strong. Gary and I would always remember the fiery furnace. God didn’t rescue them from the furnace but he met them in the fire. Because he did that a nation was saved. We were in that fire for two years. I cannot tell you one day when God was not there in that furnace with us.

God is still walking with us since Gary’s passing he has made our ways straight he has provided in amazing ways. We were able to spend the first full year after his death mourning. Boy did we need it too. The grieving process was not an easy one with three teenage girls and myself.

I knew we would all have to grieve after loosing Gary but I thought naïvely that we would grieve in this straightforward 12 step like process. That was the stupidest thing ever. News flash, grief isn’t a straight line it is more like Christmas lights that have been in the attic for a year. To make it even more interesting for a newly single mom I learned that everyone grieves differently.

I always learned about a persons love language but there is a grief language too. Mine was to be a reclose I just wanted to be alone and wallow in my grief, My eldest daughter was quiet and reserved and didn’t talk much at all. My middle daughter was angry. Daddy was her favorite parent and she made sure she told me and she was angry that I survived and daddy died. She would have been happier if it the other way around. She was shocked when I told her I wished that too. I was having so much trouble adapting to this role as single parent and I knew Gary would handle this all so much better than me. My youngest she threw temper tantrums about everything and when she wasn’t doing that she was cuddled so close to me we could barely move. I really think it took 6 months to get through that initial haze it didn’t get really any better till we made it through the last first with out Gary. August 2^nd 2012 the first anniversary of Gary’s death we all got in the car and went to Sonny’s and ate in honor of him.

It has been fourteen months now and some days it seems like he died yesterday and I can still feel the pain I felt when I watched him die. Some days it seems like I have been on my own for years and the pain is not so bad. Gary spent his last waking hours preparing me to live without him. I remember when we were writing out the girls birthday cards (his gift to them, 10 years of cards) he stopped and grabbed my hand and started to weep he smiled through the tears and told me “I am sure going to miss you”. He knew his time was near but he did not spend a moment in self-pity he took every moment to speak into my life and the girl’s life. He told me to find some one to love I laughed him off and said I did 16 years ago when I met you. Those moments in time are etched in my memory and they can still bring a tear to my eye but they also motivate me to make him proud. I died inside the day that Gary took his last breathe but with Gods grace and the love of my children I am rising up from the ashes. It is a slow process but it is going to be something beautiful. Like that beautiful sunset after the stormy day; something beautiful is going to come from all this.

Thanksgiving

     Last Thanksgiving I was barely able to function the girls and I went out from my sisters house and stayed on vacation for over two weeks.  The girls and I have become experts at vacations this year ;-) This Thanksgiving was different. We are feeling Gary's absence more this Thanksgiving  than last. My girls were adamant about spending this Thanksgiving alone. Part of me was happy to oblige them, you know sitting around a house that is probably not yours and just feeling uncomfortable. It is crazy to be uncomfortable around family and normally we don't but on Thanksgiving it is stressful and so busy.

   This year feels almost like an anti Thanksgiving. No turkey, dressing, or assortment of veggie casseroles for this clan. It is just the four of us Merry has about three things she will eat and Cassie has ruled Veggies of any kind are uncool and is iffy when it comes to eating meat. That leaves Annie and I and well that isn't enough to bake all the normal stuff for. So we decided on getting Italian take out for our Thanksgiving. That seems almost Un American doesn't it?

    I think tomorrow isn't about the food for this little group of gals but it is about our continuing effort to figure out what in the heck this new normal is going to look like and how we fit into it. Tomorrow we will sit around our table and giggle and laugh and share what we are thankful for and then maybe watch a movie in my room. It will be surreal not to have Daddy sitting at the head of the table and smell his famous backed beans cooking. I won't catch Gary and Cassie in the kitchen with a bag of Dorritos acting as "quality control" for said baked beans. There will be no wrestling in the yard or cuddles on the couch playing video games.

    When you loose a person  I think you miss that person first. I remember coming home after Gary's memorial service and crying myself to sleep not only because of his service that morning but the reality that he was no longer here set in. Today 15 months after loosing him I rationally and emotionally know he is gone but now the hard part is missing the moments that we shared and the memories we will never get a chance to make.

    Out shopping today I saw a husband sweetly wheeling his ill wife in a wheelchair. The couple looked to be in their 80's and I cried. I can't tell you how many nights Gary and I stayed up till 2 in the morning talking about growing old together. We used to say we would die in each others arms at 94 and 98 years old.  I thought, do those old people know how precious a gift it is for them to still have each other? My girls smiled at them and said you and Daddy would have had a long happy marriage like that  , well if he hadn't died. ;(

    In recent years Thanksgiving was a time of grief for me. The last two Thanksgiving's Gary was alive he spent the days before the big day in the hospital and was ill on Thanksgiving. We still had him though and we were stressed but still a family.

    Redefining a family is a hard thing to do. You know the first question that the girls asked me after Gary died was? Are Grandma and Grandpa Schriver still our Grandparents? They actually thought that once Gary was gone that our tie to them would be broken. I very quickly made sure they knew that they are always going to be their grandparent no matter what. It did make me think though my calling them my inlaws is technically not accurate anymore. Thankfully they still claim me though.

    I know tomorrow we will have fun and giggle and play but it will be weird and really really lonely. It is an unfortunate needed step in our healing though. We have been dealt these cards and we have got to learn how to play them.

    If you get a chance tomorrow as you are thankful for your family as I am for mine, remember the widows and widowers out there. We are choosing to be alone tomorrow but there are some people who  don't have a choice but to be alone. I saw one of those people today when we went out to eat. A gentleman about 85 years old sat and dined alone and the waitress addressed him like he is a daily customer. She even told him that she will see him tomorrow on Thanksgiving.

    I am so grateful to have a network of family and friends if I reached out I know I would be welcome with the girls at a number of Thanksgivings. That safety net is what helps us take steps in healing like doing Thanksgiving on our own. I have to say that loosing Gary has left me broken in a million pieces but if I had to be a widow I have been given a pretty easy time of it. We have a Grandma that lives with us a good part of the time, another set of grands that live a few miles away. Brother in laws that have standing offers to help, friends who are there when I need them and neighbors who make sure that they are watching my house day and night.

    I don't want to sound cliche or mellow dramatic but take the time tomorrow to really love on and appreciate your family. Take the time to notice the traditions that you may not count as traditions. Notice how Grandpa cuts the Turkey and which of your Aunts is the really bad cook. Love your family and make sure you tell them. Life Changes in a moment and you go from enjoying a holiday to dreading the pain and loneliness that the holidays bring.

    I am in the beginning stages of getting my happy back and it is going to take a herculean effort to find the joy in holidays again but it will happen. I thank God that you all are their to love us through the process.

Happy Happy Thanksgiving from the Schriver Girls :) <3

Doubts

    For some reason this month I have been filled with so much doubt and fear. When I started at UNF I was so confidant that UNF Communication degree was what I was supposed to do. Gary's words of faith about my future echoed through my ears, all was right.
   At midterm all that faith and excitement faded. I guess, I imagined that since this was what God called me too it would be a "breeze" to get through. It has not been a breeze at all.
    I put so much pressure on myself, I am alone now, I HAVE to start working soon. My insurance coverage will last 18 more months at BEST.
    I fear that if I can't get a handle on these classes and I have to waste time retaking them it will be three or four years before I am ready to work.
    I have been  discouraged and down right fearful. This weekend at church the sermon was God talking directly at me.

 What I learned and the questions I came away with:

    Proverbs 16:9   We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it.

  The same God that gave me the strength to be awake for a month straight taking care of needs of my dying husband.He will give me the grace and strength to get through college and life as a single parent. If insurance runs out before a job begins, He will  somehow handle that too. 

  When you lie down at night, take the time to ask What did you learn about yourself today?

  I need to ask myself that question every night but at the same time, I need to remember what I have been through and remind myself what those times taught me about myself. 

  Remember that God puts us in scenarios to either confirm to fix traits inside of us. What could I learn about myself from the past few years and now?

  Whose need do I need to meet? How do I need to meet it?

  What is God trying to teach me about me? How do I figure that out and when I do how do I believe it?

  Trust that God has ordered my steps and believe that "God has got my back"

   When Gary was alive he spoke so much into my life. He told me that I was an amazingly strong woman and that I have only begun to scratch the surface of what God has in store for me. He told me that I will one day be a writer and speaker and the words I put to paper and speak will help change peoples lives. He would tell me that and I would promptly tell him he took way too many meds :) 

  I am in a period of reconstruction right now and I don't want to build my foundation poorly. I need to surrender my ambitions and MY plans for myself and allow God to order my steps. He has had my back this far, I know he will continue to order my steps. 

  I am in such a unique place in my life right now there are no limits to what God can do. I just need to make sure that I check my fear at the door. 

  What could I do if I saw myself the way God saw me and I had no fear?  

  I guess I came out with more questions than answers but I think those answers will come as I continue to take those steps forward. 

  

    I have been meaning to share this song for a while and keep forgetting. The first day of school I drove to UNF and was nearly sick to my stomach with doubts and worry. Am I too old, am I good enough to do this? I had the radio on loud and was just trying to forget my nerves by belting out the songs on the radio, then this song by Big Daddy Weave came on and it stopped me in my tracks. It was a moment when the world stopped and God himself reached down and spoke directly to me.
This part in particular really spoke to me:
                            All my life I have been called unworthy
                                     Named by the voice of my shame and regret
                                     But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
                                    I remember oh God, You're not done with me yet

    I am still working on the believing in myself thing.  I have chosen a career that makes it difficult to be a shrinking flower. I know that if I am going to fulfill the prophesy that Gary spoke over me before he died (I can't even fathom it) or even just go from a stay at home mom, to a career woman I am going to have to learn to trust how God sees me not how the voices in my head see me. The two goals for the next two years, master grammar and see myself the way God sees me. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzGAYNKDyIU

Blinking Warning Lights

       Wow! It has been a crazy month. I started school and went from busy to psychotic. I am adjusting to daily life okay; thanks mostly, to my wonderful Mother. Without my mother we would all be in dirty clothes surrounded by day old dishes. The needs of daily life are for the most part being met. Unfortunately the non daily needs like Doctor appointments and car maintenance are on a need to do basis,plus a week.
      Two weeks ago the warning light in my van that told me to get my oil changed came on. I didn't ignore it I filed it in the "need to handle" folder in my brain. Unfortunately when you have Thursday mornings free and that is it, well it is sort of hard to get the car in the shop. Today the warning light began to blink at me. I am not a car person, I know how to start it and that is about all, I am smart enough to know when something blinks at you it is generally important. I called the car place and they told me to go easy with the driving and bring it in on Wednesday. Okay the problem with Wednesday is my youngest has a Chiropractor appointment at 12:30 and Physical therapy at 3:00. I reluctantly asked him is I bring it in at 9 could he promise that I would be out the door at 11:30 at the latest, he said yes. So Car -CHECK.
     Well thanks to the car issues we will be staying home from Classical Conversations tomorrow so that gives me time to attend to the other warning light that came on today. My eldest has been seeing an Endochronoligist for a couple of years. Frankly, I do not like the woman. I have had Thyroid issues since I was nine and I am her mom and she dismisses my opinion like I am nothing. This girl does not like that! I have been meaning forever to get my two eldest and myself (3 years over do) to see the Doctors down at UF. I saw them before and I liked the care they offered. It is a LONG process to get into see them so I haven't had the time to begin the process, well now thanks to my car warning light, I am going to start that process tomorrow.
      I would love to be able to say that I have this single mom thing DOWN. I think barely keeping my head above water would be a better description. Living my life according to blinking warning lights. I guess it really doesn't matter as long as it all gets done. I am slowly giving up the desire to be Super Mom. I am aiming for just plain old Mom who managed to stay out of the insane asylum now.
    One of my favorite verses ( I don't have time to look it up, you can do that) says that God uses the foolish things of this world to confound that wise. I want to be one of those foolish things. The single woman who reinvented her life after unbearable tragedy and finished well.
     Here is to finishing well, blinking warning lights and all.

UNF here I come ...

I start University of North Florida on monday. I have sat preparing all day today and I have had this gnawing fear about going to UNF and finishing my degree. I was not sure why, till just now as I prayed. This week will be the start of the rest of my life. It has been one year since Gary died and I have been blessed to be able to take that year and mourn and heal. Now though, I get back to work and finish my degree and get a job and move on with the rest of my life. It sounds so simple when it is written down, but emotionally it is anything BUT. I have to go forward into this scary world and the man that use to be there with the gentle loving kick in the pants ,I usually need, is gone. I have to completely rely on God and the whispers of past encouragement to see me through, that terrifies me. What if I fail? Failure really isn't an option life insurance will only last so long and then if I want to feed my kids, I am going to have to get a good job. What about other things in life what if someone asks me out on a date?? What if they don't?? How is a single Mom going to fit in with all her homeschooling friends. Honestly, I really don't "belong" anywhere now I am not married, I am not single by choice or by mans doing. I am not young anymore but I am not old either. I have to now define this new category for myself.  It is all new everything down to the minutia of my life is new. I am not a fan of change, I like good old faithful. I feel like a six year old on a high dive trembling looking over the edge, wishing that she could go down the ladder to her moms arms, but excited at the possibilities that await her if she takes the plunge. 

I worry as I move further on with my life that I will not think about Gary every second of every day. I don't want his image and amazingness to fade from my memory one inch but I have to build a memorial to him in my mind and allow other things in. 

You know after a year of grief and mourning, I really thought something in my head would click and grief would be over and I would be fine (stupid as the day is long I know). I have known people that were getting engaged to the next love of their life at this point and I can't seem to get my mind off my first love. Grief is an amazing thing it is as different as the people who experience it. Even if I can't get Gary off my mind, I can tell you I am desperate to shake off these grave clothes. Gary told me to mourn then get busy living and finish school, so here you go sweet man... ready or not the rest of my life here I come... 

Just a Portion of my Testimony

So many of my friends are going through so much stuff right now my heart is constantly interceding for the issues that are being faced. Most if not all of you know our story I tend to share a lot ;) But I just feel the need to reshare parts of my story not as a way to say hey look how great I am (we all no that isn’t true) but to say how great God is. Gary and I were married for 16 wonderful amazing years. I cant think of a one of those 16 years that didn’t have some sort of trial and faith walk in them. We had to stand in faith for Gods provision frequently but I don’t know if you have ever done this or not but I used to tell God the ways HE could provide for us. You can imagine how well that worked out for us J In 2009 Gary was diagnosed with Cancer and now we were standing in faith for so much more then a roof over our head we were standing in faith for life itself. The caner began effecting Gary’s health almost immediately he contstantly worried that he would loose his job and if he lost his job how in the world would we survive. We had to come to a place where we went to God TOGETHER something happened we were storming heaven arm and arm seeking wisdom and direction. We came to the realization that God put Gary in the company he was at on purpose they became more of a blessing then we could have EVER imagined but at the time he worried that they would cut their losses and fire him. God made it very clear that he was going to use his company to provide for a time but our provision was not through them our provision was through God and it didn’t matter what his company did Gods provision was still going to be there. I know that means so much especially to men they want to be the provider God called you to be but it isn’t you that does the providing it is God through you and if he wants to change ways it is HIS choice we have to be open to listening to HIM.

In 2010 God began to knock me down to nothing. You have seen those cartoons where the fighter keeps getting hit and comes back up well God wanted my flesh to get knocked out and stay out. In Feb 2010 Gary had begun chemo and radiation and was feeling horrible and then my eldest wound up in the hospital pretty sick. I was all ready feeling pretty worn down then one day my Mother in law came and stayed with Annie so I could come home and get some “rest”. I walked in the door and instead of Hi the first words out of my mothers (who lived with us) mouth was both toilets are broken, what do we do?? Okay so Eldest is in the hospital, Husband is throwing up from radiation and now the two toilets in our home are not working and counting me there are 4 women in the home currently so bathrooms are kinda important. 

Normally my mind goes to fixit mode or begins telling God you could provide by this or this instead I sat on my couch after posting on facebook that I think God wants me to loose my mind I sat there looked to God and just said I have no idea. I have no savings I have no money I have no idea I am done. Life at that moment knocked me out cold. God wasn’t knocked out though. I got a call from my brother in law (wasn’t expecting that one) who was out of work at the time and in his own struggle he got with my Father in law in they worked together cam over and by the time I went back to the hospital the plumber came and we now had a potty ;) That was just the beginning the rest of the year was filled with moments like that. Trips to see specialists that we had no money for money mysteriously and unexpectanly showed up and we went. Experimental drugs that were going to cost 7500 but ended up being covered for a 35 dollar copay. You KNOW GOD is mighty when he could move inscurance companies. 2011 Gary got his last paycheck Jan 15^th after that we were given disability wich was roughly half of what he was paid and we had to pay cobra out of that so we pretty much had nothing coming in to the bank. I was in charge of our finances at that point Gary was just to sick but there was no way in the natural that we would still have a home and car no way at all but we knew that God had our backs and we could either waste our energy on worrying (which I still did I cant lie) or we would use that energy to bask in each other while we still had each other. During that time we weren’t even LATE on a mortgage payment we always had food I always had my diet dr pepper we always had enough and even some to share and bless others with sometimes. I would have a pile of bills due and I would look at God and say okay you know what the needs are surprise me;) God did just that we were blessed from places we would have NEVER even thought. About a month before Gary died he called me into his room and said OK we know my time here is limited the social worker said you should get 250 a month in social security and you have 2 years of my salary so you have just enough time to get a degree so you can support yourself. He continued training me sewing into me all he could possible sew into me. I listened and learned and then I told him don’t you worry one minute God hasn’t let us go hungry (obviously) and he wont start when you are gone HE will protect us and love on us for you.. Gary passed in to heaven peacefully sourounded by his family JUST the way he wanted. We memorialized him and buried him. Nothing had come through yet financially so we were at 35 dollars in the bank then the air conditioner died REALLY GOD REALLY!!! Thankfully the company would come and replace it and work with us on paying in time but we were stuck in a house with no air and I looked at my mom and told her wouldn’t it be nice if we went to the mailbox and found a check so we could spend the night in a hotel. My mom said “oh Cindy God doesn’t work like that”. Well she was right it was my inbox on facebook that I got a message from a saint asking if we would like to go spend the night at the beach and my answer was uh YES J  God wasn’t done suprising me yet when life inscurance came in it was twice what Gary and thought and social security ended up being about 75% of what his weekly paycheck was. God continues to make ways and provision for us that continually surprise me. Am I perfect in my faith, NO. I wont be perfect till I get to heaven but I can sit here and share with others who are going through similar stuff GOD REALLY DOES WORK. He provides for us if we can stop trying to tell God how he can provide for us and just sit back and know that He WILL provide for you. To the men who are out of work yes God called you to be the provider and the leader of your home but don’t ever loose sight of the fact that God doesn’t need you to provide for your family he will do it no matter what. If you are out of work take this time to ask God what He wants you to learn from this time. Ask God what job to apply for. God wants to be a part of your life in every area seek HIM on what to do. As a couple storm Heavens gates together!! God said where two or more are gathered in HIS name there I am also that is the amazing part of marriage you always have two of you. Don’t ever loose sight of the fact that you are a team you are one chord, one person and you need to bring the junk of life to your heavenly Father TOGETHER. God is with each of you and He is waiting to do miracles in each of us. Gods main purpose is to get us into Heaven so His ways are deffintely not our at least my ways are but he is there for you to grow you and help you. I write this only to bring Praise to the awesomeness of Jehovah Jireah and to encourage you to die to self and lean totally and completely on God let him grow you and mold you. Sometimes He allows us to be put in the fire where human eyes would say there is no hope but at that point of no hope God meets you in the fire and sees you through the fire and you are better at the other end for having gone through that fire. God loves you all so much He DIED for us He has plans for all of us. Do not loose heart in furnace times because if you don’t miracles are going to happen just look at my life ;) God is so good J  

"I am alive, even though a part of me has died.. take my heart and breathe it back to life" This is a line from a song that means so much to me not just as a good song but it has been a banner over my life recently. As I approach the one year anniversary of loosing Gary to that horrible disease I realize that I have been really treading water this past year. I have felt so down and depressed lately and plain overwhelmed I thought to myself wow I should really be getting through this all ready why am I not?? God told me the fact that I know realize how down I am means the numbness is wearing off and the healing is beginning. I know now that it is so foolish to even think a year was long enough to grieve. Through my grief I also have to realize the "normal" I am waiting to come back never will, it died with Gary. What my new normal is going to look like I am still not sure to be honest.
We recently went through a particularly nasty tropical storm  and we were all frightened at times during the storm. One point Merry looked at me and said
"I wish Daddy was here he knew how to take care of things and calm me down." My first thought was you am me both baby but then I have to admit I got my feelings hurt, here I am busting my hiney trying to be mom AND dad and all the thanks I get is her saying I wish Daddy was here?? (childish of me I know just being real here) I just yelled at God I am sorry I am not being everything to everyone but I am trying. God answered back very sweetly "I don't want you to be mom and dad or everything to everyone I just want you to be the best you , you can be" Wow that is really freeing to me I have to be the best me I can be and let God fill in the rest. God said he would be the father to the fatherless.
This single parent thing is a very complicated endeavor I am going to royally screw up about a 100 billion times but eventually I  will get to heaven  and all my scars will be washed away and God will hold me and say its over now. Hopefully he will also say well done good and faithful servant you were the you I created and I am proud of you.

The process of redefining who I am has been a wild adventure so far. I graduated the community college with my AA degree and I applied and was admitted into the University of North Florida. I some times cannot believe that I have gotten this far I honestly thought that I was NEVER going to get this far :). I went for my advising session at UNF and I sat at the outside of the office and just broke down crying I could feel Gary there beside of me telling me how amazingly proud he was of me and telling me I KNEW you could do it. In the past year since Gary died I have had to make so many decisions about everything from having to buy a new car to choosing what material to replace our drive way with. I seems like EVERYTHING in our house has broken since Gary died but you know what I think it is Gods way of forcing me tom recreate myself. God is not allowing me to take security in things he is making me totally rely on HIM. When in the past I would call Gary at work about what choices I made now I have to take time to go to my Heavenly Father and ask HIM what I should do. I have to trust in God and trust in myself. Gary was the head of our house and I defaulted most things to him. I knew he was going to go to God so I did not worry but now I am the head of our household. In the past year my confidence in myself has increased. I graduated,I took the girls on vacations,I bought refrigerators and dishwashers and bought cars I DID ALL THAT :) I am happy to say that I choose pretty well. I am even typing this blog on the new laptop that I picked out. I would have NEVER done that before it is empowering I am realizing that I am more than what I thought I was I can really graduate college and I can really have a career and be a mom too ;) Up till this year any confidence I had in myself was put there by Gary. He was the most wonderful awesome partner in life I could ever have asked for. He tried so hard to help me see myself as more than the limited picture of myself that I had. I always looked at him for my confidence not believing I had it in myself to do things. Now that he is gone I am beginning to see myself in the way that he saw me all along. Bless his heart when he realized him beating the cancer was unlikely he began to "train" me in small things like paying my bills or making small choices he let me test my wings with a safety net of sorts. Now I think he would be so proud of me doing all the things that I have up to this point and getting myself 4 shot terms away from graduating with a bachelors degree. I am even about to have my first book published, a cute music theory book that I wrote many years ago but was to afraid to print it. Not anymore being a writer is my dream and I won't achieve it unless I venture out and that is what I am going to do. Four days before Gary died he looked at me and told me "don't forget I see you becoming an author and speaker like Beth Moore". I told him he always thought so much more of me that I could ever do but now why can't I do that. Gary used to hear from God prophetically maybe this was one of those times. I may not become Beth Moore but I am going to give this writing a try and I am going to graduate UNF and I am going to be a success at what I do because I believe that God put in me things that I haven't even began to discover as of yet. I have believed for a long time if we could only see ourselves as God sees us we could do anything. Here is to trying to see myself as God sees myself and believe in myself as Gary used his final breathes to help me see myself. I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens  me :) 

Small Victories

The process of recreating me is sometimes a very difficult one. Today was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do in a while, I ordered new checks this time though my checks will just say Cindy on it and not Gary and Cindy. I know most of you reading this are like Oh kay you have been through so much and THIS is hard. It is hard because it puts a finality on the whole thing I am not Cindy married to Gary anymore I am Cindy single mom. I am not a fan of that title either and still cringe when I tell people I am a widow. I hate the "ahhh you are so young to be a widow" yes yes I am young and no I wasnt married to a 89 year old he was only 42 yada yada yada it is never a simple conversation after that lol. The kids have gotten at gymnastics or other events " why havent we seen your dad here" they answer back with an incredious "cuz he is dead". I guess it still sorta stings for us it is all so fresh still.
One HUGE accomplishment is going to happen in two weeks I will graduate college with my AA degree granted I have to get two  more years in at the University but getting my AA is mile moving a mountain for me. It has taken me 20 years to get this degree. I pray the BS will not take another 20 I have to start being able to support my kids on my own soon. I plan on celebrating in a HUGE way when I get that peice of paper. Gary wanted me to get my degree more than anything else and I hope I make him proud.
I feel rally blessed right now I am living off of social security and life inscurance now I do not have to get a job I can sit back and concentrate on raising my girls and helping us heal. I think they are going through a reinvention process too. It will be so interesting to see what we all look like at the end of this process.
We have a couple of bitterseweet things coming up.. Monday night we are having a baloon release in honor of Gary and others who have passed on. Monday is Gary's birthday so the event will be laced with his favorite color green and the color of his cancer awarness ribon (zebra print). The other thing will be the Relay for life Gary's Dad got the idea of forming a team to raise money for cancer research in Gary's name. We will be Team Gary the team that lives long and prospers (star trek qoute Garys fav). It will be an honor to take part in the event but it will be hard being a caregiver that lost their loved one. I watched the video of the survivors lap that takes place and sat in my bed and cried my eyes out. I prayed so hard that Gary would one day march proudly wearing the title of survivor. I tried to get him to let me push him in a wheel chair 2 years ago but he wouldnt because he didnt think that he would be a survivor.  Another video had a luminary that said we miss you so much daddy on it with kid pictures drawn and again I lost it. So my main contribution to the team that day will be Kleenex ;) cause I am gonna need it, but getting up and stepping out of my sadness and depression and DOING something that will make a difference I know Gary would be proud. I will post the link to donate when I get it.

So much continues to happen life rolls on and on but you know I have Gary tucked in my heart I still here is words " I am so proud of you I knew you coukd do it" , "your doing great baby stop worrying so much", "No matter what our hearts are still one". Hr told me before he died he was going to be my biggest cheerleader from heaven and I feel him every minute cheering me and the girls on. I love you babe :)

Halftime

I saw an add during the Super bowel that told America that they are now in the halftime and need to come out fighting to win the game. That is how I feel the first half of the game started beautiful but ended brutal but now I am sitting in the locker room waiting to hear how the coach wants me to finish the game. I am just waiting not striving or struggling God with his immense care has seen to our needs for the short while. So I am just waiting. Waiting is something that is incredibly difficult to do for someone like me but I am trying. Trying to carve out time to spend with God just listening. Some stuff has been said I know what direction I am going to go with my college degree that was a huge struggle. Things are beginning to move a little for us the girls have gotten involved with either music or sports and I have begun to teach some cake decorating classes again. March 5th I begin the last two classes to complete my associates degree. I have not gotten involved with any ministries or any out side activities, I know those will come. I am giving myself a lot of grace when it comes to getting back into activities, my girls have been my top priority as they should be.
I get frustrated at myself I can do so good emotionally for so long I think I have got this down and then something like Valentines day comes and it is like someone ripped the band aid off a hairy arm, the wound is uncovered and the area is irritated. There are times where I would give everything that I owned to be in Gary's embrace for 5 minutes. I miss the unconditional love that he showered on me. I know his love and memory will never die but I am sorry that doesn't help when you cant look into his deep brown eyes and feel totally and completely loved with one look.We had a long talk about this very thing shortly before he died he told me to always remember that he loved me more than he ever thought was possible for him to love another human being but he is going to be happy in the arms of Jesus and he is going to be cheering me on till I meet him again. (sob break) He told me that he knew I didn't like being alone but he told me God has something planned for this time of being alone, but he told me I am praying for the man that comes along latter and helps you eventually finish the race. He was so funny he told me he is praying for the man to be an amazing spiritual leader of the home but also a sex machine :) He was such a mess he knew when to throw something in there to make me bust out laughing when I was in tears. Once the second half of the game starts it is going to be interesting NOTHING is the same. I am now a single mom of three teenage daughters (I have to keep saying that because it is so scarey to say) . I know that this phase in my life is the phase I think God wanted me to go through before I was married but I didn't. This is a time for me to find out who I am! Why did God create me like I am what about me needs to fall away and what about me needs to be allowed to flourish. I need to like and appreciate myself for who I am and believe that I can do anything I set my mind to do. I need to believe that I have something to say to people that can make a difference. I need to believe that I am like Hailey's comet that comes around once in a lifetime and if I don't share the gifts that God gave me then I am cheating the world. I need to learn how to effectively help other women discover the same about themselves. I need to believe that I am the woman that God and Gary told me I was. Shew the second half of this Game is going to be amazing and I will always hear the words of my biggest fan telling me YES GO FOR IT!!!
I am also looking forward to the day God helps me to find love again. I am not sure if that will ever happen. I loved Gary more completely and more passionately than I ever could have possibly loved someone he was my one and only love I never dated or kissed another he was my all and all and I miss him so much on this valentines day. We never had a lot of money so our gifts were never extravagant to he would write me a love poem the valentine before last he played you are my sunshine on his guitar and sang it to me. Even if he cant reciprocate this valentines day baby this is for you
The parenthesis are the motions to the song :)

You are my sunshine (my hands around my head like a sun) my only sunshine you make me happy(fingers making my mouth smile) when skies are gray (pointing with a sad face to the gray carpet) you'll never know dear (with hands beside my head like antlers) how much I love you please don't take my sunshine away(sad face waving at you blowing kisses to heaven)