"I am alive, even though a part of me has died.. take my heart and breathe it back to life" This is a line from a song that means so much to me not just as a good song but it has been a banner over my life recently. As I approach the one year anniversary of loosing Gary to that horrible disease I realize that I have been really treading water this past year. I have felt so down and depressed lately and plain overwhelmed I thought to myself wow I should really be getting through this all ready why am I not?? God told me the fact that I know realize how down I am means the numbness is wearing off and the healing is beginning. I know now that it is so foolish to even think a year was long enough to grieve. Through my grief I also have to realize the "normal" I am waiting to come back never will, it died with Gary. What my new normal is going to look like I am still not sure to be honest.
We recently went through a particularly nasty tropical storm  and we were all frightened at times during the storm. One point Merry looked at me and said
"I wish Daddy was here he knew how to take care of things and calm me down." My first thought was you am me both baby but then I have to admit I got my feelings hurt, here I am busting my hiney trying to be mom AND dad and all the thanks I get is her saying I wish Daddy was here?? (childish of me I know just being real here) I just yelled at God I am sorry I am not being everything to everyone but I am trying. God answered back very sweetly "I don't want you to be mom and dad or everything to everyone I just want you to be the best you , you can be" Wow that is really freeing to me I have to be the best me I can be and let God fill in the rest. God said he would be the father to the fatherless.
This single parent thing is a very complicated endeavor I am going to royally screw up about a 100 billion times but eventually I  will get to heaven  and all my scars will be washed away and God will hold me and say its over now. Hopefully he will also say well done good and faithful servant you were the you I created and I am proud of you.