Thanksgiving

     Last Thanksgiving I was barely able to function the girls and I went out from my sisters house and stayed on vacation for over two weeks.  The girls and I have become experts at vacations this year ;-) This Thanksgiving was different. We are feeling Gary's absence more this Thanksgiving  than last. My girls were adamant about spending this Thanksgiving alone. Part of me was happy to oblige them, you know sitting around a house that is probably not yours and just feeling uncomfortable. It is crazy to be uncomfortable around family and normally we don't but on Thanksgiving it is stressful and so busy.

   This year feels almost like an anti Thanksgiving. No turkey, dressing, or assortment of veggie casseroles for this clan. It is just the four of us Merry has about three things she will eat and Cassie has ruled Veggies of any kind are uncool and is iffy when it comes to eating meat. That leaves Annie and I and well that isn't enough to bake all the normal stuff for. So we decided on getting Italian take out for our Thanksgiving. That seems almost Un American doesn't it?

    I think tomorrow isn't about the food for this little group of gals but it is about our continuing effort to figure out what in the heck this new normal is going to look like and how we fit into it. Tomorrow we will sit around our table and giggle and laugh and share what we are thankful for and then maybe watch a movie in my room. It will be surreal not to have Daddy sitting at the head of the table and smell his famous backed beans cooking. I won't catch Gary and Cassie in the kitchen with a bag of Dorritos acting as "quality control" for said baked beans. There will be no wrestling in the yard or cuddles on the couch playing video games.

    When you loose a person  I think you miss that person first. I remember coming home after Gary's memorial service and crying myself to sleep not only because of his service that morning but the reality that he was no longer here set in. Today 15 months after loosing him I rationally and emotionally know he is gone but now the hard part is missing the moments that we shared and the memories we will never get a chance to make.

    Out shopping today I saw a husband sweetly wheeling his ill wife in a wheelchair. The couple looked to be in their 80's and I cried. I can't tell you how many nights Gary and I stayed up till 2 in the morning talking about growing old together. We used to say we would die in each others arms at 94 and 98 years old.  I thought, do those old people know how precious a gift it is for them to still have each other? My girls smiled at them and said you and Daddy would have had a long happy marriage like that  , well if he hadn't died. ;(

    In recent years Thanksgiving was a time of grief for me. The last two Thanksgiving's Gary was alive he spent the days before the big day in the hospital and was ill on Thanksgiving. We still had him though and we were stressed but still a family.

    Redefining a family is a hard thing to do. You know the first question that the girls asked me after Gary died was? Are Grandma and Grandpa Schriver still our Grandparents? They actually thought that once Gary was gone that our tie to them would be broken. I very quickly made sure they knew that they are always going to be their grandparent no matter what. It did make me think though my calling them my inlaws is technically not accurate anymore. Thankfully they still claim me though.

    I know tomorrow we will have fun and giggle and play but it will be weird and really really lonely. It is an unfortunate needed step in our healing though. We have been dealt these cards and we have got to learn how to play them.

    If you get a chance tomorrow as you are thankful for your family as I am for mine, remember the widows and widowers out there. We are choosing to be alone tomorrow but there are some people who  don't have a choice but to be alone. I saw one of those people today when we went out to eat. A gentleman about 85 years old sat and dined alone and the waitress addressed him like he is a daily customer. She even told him that she will see him tomorrow on Thanksgiving.

    I am so grateful to have a network of family and friends if I reached out I know I would be welcome with the girls at a number of Thanksgivings. That safety net is what helps us take steps in healing like doing Thanksgiving on our own. I have to say that loosing Gary has left me broken in a million pieces but if I had to be a widow I have been given a pretty easy time of it. We have a Grandma that lives with us a good part of the time, another set of grands that live a few miles away. Brother in laws that have standing offers to help, friends who are there when I need them and neighbors who make sure that they are watching my house day and night.

    I don't want to sound cliche or mellow dramatic but take the time tomorrow to really love on and appreciate your family. Take the time to notice the traditions that you may not count as traditions. Notice how Grandpa cuts the Turkey and which of your Aunts is the really bad cook. Love your family and make sure you tell them. Life Changes in a moment and you go from enjoying a holiday to dreading the pain and loneliness that the holidays bring.

    I am in the beginning stages of getting my happy back and it is going to take a herculean effort to find the joy in holidays again but it will happen. I thank God that you all are their to love us through the process.

Happy Happy Thanksgiving from the Schriver Girls :) <3