Doubts

    For some reason this month I have been filled with so much doubt and fear. When I started at UNF I was so confidant that UNF Communication degree was what I was supposed to do. Gary's words of faith about my future echoed through my ears, all was right.
   At midterm all that faith and excitement faded. I guess, I imagined that since this was what God called me too it would be a "breeze" to get through. It has not been a breeze at all.
    I put so much pressure on myself, I am alone now, I HAVE to start working soon. My insurance coverage will last 18 more months at BEST.
    I fear that if I can't get a handle on these classes and I have to waste time retaking them it will be three or four years before I am ready to work.
    I have been  discouraged and down right fearful. This weekend at church the sermon was God talking directly at me.

 What I learned and the questions I came away with:

    Proverbs 16:9   We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it.

  The same God that gave me the strength to be awake for a month straight taking care of needs of my dying husband.He will give me the grace and strength to get through college and life as a single parent. If insurance runs out before a job begins, He will  somehow handle that too. 

  When you lie down at night, take the time to ask What did you learn about yourself today?

  I need to ask myself that question every night but at the same time, I need to remember what I have been through and remind myself what those times taught me about myself. 

  Remember that God puts us in scenarios to either confirm to fix traits inside of us. What could I learn about myself from the past few years and now?

  Whose need do I need to meet? How do I need to meet it?

  What is God trying to teach me about me? How do I figure that out and when I do how do I believe it?

  Trust that God has ordered my steps and believe that "God has got my back"

   When Gary was alive he spoke so much into my life. He told me that I was an amazingly strong woman and that I have only begun to scratch the surface of what God has in store for me. He told me that I will one day be a writer and speaker and the words I put to paper and speak will help change peoples lives. He would tell me that and I would promptly tell him he took way too many meds :) 

  I am in a period of reconstruction right now and I don't want to build my foundation poorly. I need to surrender my ambitions and MY plans for myself and allow God to order my steps. He has had my back this far, I know he will continue to order my steps. 

  I am in such a unique place in my life right now there are no limits to what God can do. I just need to make sure that I check my fear at the door. 

  What could I do if I saw myself the way God saw me and I had no fear?  

  I guess I came out with more questions than answers but I think those answers will come as I continue to take those steps forward.