Halftime

I saw an add during the Super bowel that told America that they are now in the halftime and need to come out fighting to win the game. That is how I feel the first half of the game started beautiful but ended brutal but now I am sitting in the locker room waiting to hear how the coach wants me to finish the game. I am just waiting not striving or struggling God with his immense care has seen to our needs for the short while. So I am just waiting. Waiting is something that is incredibly difficult to do for someone like me but I am trying. Trying to carve out time to spend with God just listening. Some stuff has been said I know what direction I am going to go with my college degree that was a huge struggle. Things are beginning to move a little for us the girls have gotten involved with either music or sports and I have begun to teach some cake decorating classes again. March 5th I begin the last two classes to complete my associates degree. I have not gotten involved with any ministries or any out side activities, I know those will come. I am giving myself a lot of grace when it comes to getting back into activities, my girls have been my top priority as they should be.
I get frustrated at myself I can do so good emotionally for so long I think I have got this down and then something like Valentines day comes and it is like someone ripped the band aid off a hairy arm, the wound is uncovered and the area is irritated. There are times where I would give everything that I owned to be in Gary's embrace for 5 minutes. I miss the unconditional love that he showered on me. I know his love and memory will never die but I am sorry that doesn't help when you cant look into his deep brown eyes and feel totally and completely loved with one look.We had a long talk about this very thing shortly before he died he told me to always remember that he loved me more than he ever thought was possible for him to love another human being but he is going to be happy in the arms of Jesus and he is going to be cheering me on till I meet him again. (sob break) He told me that he knew I didn't like being alone but he told me God has something planned for this time of being alone, but he told me I am praying for the man that comes along latter and helps you eventually finish the race. He was so funny he told me he is praying for the man to be an amazing spiritual leader of the home but also a sex machine :) He was such a mess he knew when to throw something in there to make me bust out laughing when I was in tears. Once the second half of the game starts it is going to be interesting NOTHING is the same. I am now a single mom of three teenage daughters (I have to keep saying that because it is so scarey to say) . I know that this phase in my life is the phase I think God wanted me to go through before I was married but I didn't. This is a time for me to find out who I am! Why did God create me like I am what about me needs to fall away and what about me needs to be allowed to flourish. I need to like and appreciate myself for who I am and believe that I can do anything I set my mind to do. I need to believe that I have something to say to people that can make a difference. I need to believe that I am like Hailey's comet that comes around once in a lifetime and if I don't share the gifts that God gave me then I am cheating the world. I need to learn how to effectively help other women discover the same about themselves. I need to believe that I am the woman that God and Gary told me I was. Shew the second half of this Game is going to be amazing and I will always hear the words of my biggest fan telling me YES GO FOR IT!!!
I am also looking forward to the day God helps me to find love again. I am not sure if that will ever happen. I loved Gary more completely and more passionately than I ever could have possibly loved someone he was my one and only love I never dated or kissed another he was my all and all and I miss him so much on this valentines day. We never had a lot of money so our gifts were never extravagant to he would write me a love poem the valentine before last he played you are my sunshine on his guitar and sang it to me. Even if he cant reciprocate this valentines day baby this is for you
The parenthesis are the motions to the song :)

You are my sunshine (my hands around my head like a sun) my only sunshine you make me happy(fingers making my mouth smile) when skies are gray (pointing with a sad face to the gray carpet) you'll never know dear (with hands beside my head like antlers) how much I love you please don't take my sunshine away(sad face waving at you blowing kisses to heaven)