I have come to an unfortunate realization that the girls do not remember much about their Daddy before cancer destroyed our lives and took his. I will live the rest of my days trying remind them of the incredible father that they had.
It is kind of sad that while my girls cant remember the past I cant seem to forget it. Everywhere I turn there are specters from the past. Church is one of them. I have gone to CRC for 20 years and I don't have the desire to go anywhere else. I love my church and the new leadership that just took over excites me about the church's future. My issues are those darn specters of the past. I can't go to sunday service without seeing Gary standing on stage in his faded black pants and worn leather belt and his too big for him "Choir"shirt
It is kind of sad that while my girls cant remember the past I cant seem to forget it. Everywhere I turn there are specters from the past. Church is one of them. I have gone to CRC for 20 years and I don't have the desire to go anywhere else. I love my church and the new leadership that just took over excites me about the church's future. My issues are those darn specters of the past. I can't go to sunday service without seeing Gary standing on stage in his faded black pants and worn leather belt and his too big for him "Choir"shirt
They have been asking me lately if I am going to start dating again soon since it has been two years. I told them I am not trying but I wouldn't not date if I ever had the chance too. I asked them if I ever remarried what qualities would you want in a 2nd husband/step Dad. You know what they said. I just about cried from the sweetness of their hearts when they told me what they are praying for in a step Dad,
1) Someone who would take them on summer mission trips every summer
and
2) Someone who they would like enough to ask them to walk them down the isle.
I adore my babies and their sweet hearts. They are such amazing blessings to me. When I was at my deepest depression in the past two years they were the ones that kept me moving forward. The desire to make them proud of their mommy got me back in school and gave me reasons to wake up every morning.
Last week I was in Church and the pastor talked about having a dream about the Church being at the threshold of thresholds or the start of something new. God just screamed into my spirit that my little family is at the threshold of thresholds. What that is going to mean for us I am not a 100% sure yet.
I really wish God would come down and give the cliff note version of what life is going to hold for us in the next few years. I would feel so much better about the future if I could get a run down of what job I will hold, if the kids get into a descent college, where we will live. I guess none of us get that kind of special treatment from God do we.
Everything that I was and everything that I found my identity in is now gone and to be honest I am fearful that I am not going to be good enough or brave enough to fulfill the things God has for me. I am not even sure if I trust my own judgment when it comes to my future.
I remember when I began this journey of self realization while Gary was alive. I feel like I got pretty clear direction from God about where my professional life was going to go I couldn't or maybe wouldn't believe what I felt God say and I came to Gary with it fully expecting him to agree with my doubts but he didn't. He smiled this huge smile and said, "I was wondering how long it would take you to figure this out."
As we approach the two year mark and we look into an ever changing future I ask you to keep us in your prayers. My faith issues aren't with God he has proven himself to me over the last 4 years. God has made ways for our family when their was no other way, literally. The miracles that I have seen God do in our family would make a great book (hint hint for upcoming life events).
I need to find faith in myself, faith that God can use me to accomplish things. I need to be confidant in who I am and what God sees in me. I have always struggled with feeling worthy. I look into the faces of my girls and I worry that I wont be good enough to provide for them. I am the Queen of self doubt.
I want everything that God has for our little family and I don't want a lifetime of fear and self doubt stand in the way of getting it. I don't want to get by I want to flourish. I want to get to heaven and hear well done.
In short as we hit the two year mark I need to throw off the grave clothes and begin to live my life in the way Gary wanted me to live my life. Some of his last words to me were not to be afraid.
This past weekend I asked God to speak to me. I told God I know you aren't going to give me the details but I need to hear form you about our future and he used two instances to say pretty much the same thing to me.
Thank God he knows I am really hard headed and need him to repeat himself the first came in the words spoken by Paul Wilbur (who was Gary's absolutely favorite worship leader) at the beginning of his message to us at church.
The second came in the word of the day from KLOVE that came to my email that afternoon.
This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again!
~ Ezekiel 37:5, NLT
The video of the Paul Wilbur message can be seen at http://www.redeemerfamily.tv/messages/2013/07-21-13/video.html
Both said the same thing to me. For four years we have either lived in the midst of Cancer slowly taking Gary from us or we have been mourning him and the life that we had with him. God graciously allowed us the freedom and provision to mourn Gary without worry. Now the time for mourning is done and life has to begin again.
1) Someone who would take them on summer mission trips every summer
and
2) Someone who they would like enough to ask them to walk them down the isle.
I adore my babies and their sweet hearts. They are such amazing blessings to me. When I was at my deepest depression in the past two years they were the ones that kept me moving forward. The desire to make them proud of their mommy got me back in school and gave me reasons to wake up every morning.
Last week I was in Church and the pastor talked about having a dream about the Church being at the threshold of thresholds or the start of something new. God just screamed into my spirit that my little family is at the threshold of thresholds. What that is going to mean for us I am not a 100% sure yet.
I really wish God would come down and give the cliff note version of what life is going to hold for us in the next few years. I would feel so much better about the future if I could get a run down of what job I will hold, if the kids get into a descent college, where we will live. I guess none of us get that kind of special treatment from God do we.
Everything that I was and everything that I found my identity in is now gone and to be honest I am fearful that I am not going to be good enough or brave enough to fulfill the things God has for me. I am not even sure if I trust my own judgment when it comes to my future.
I remember when I began this journey of self realization while Gary was alive. I feel like I got pretty clear direction from God about where my professional life was going to go I couldn't or maybe wouldn't believe what I felt God say and I came to Gary with it fully expecting him to agree with my doubts but he didn't. He smiled this huge smile and said, "I was wondering how long it would take you to figure this out."
As we approach the two year mark and we look into an ever changing future I ask you to keep us in your prayers. My faith issues aren't with God he has proven himself to me over the last 4 years. God has made ways for our family when their was no other way, literally. The miracles that I have seen God do in our family would make a great book (hint hint for upcoming life events).
I need to find faith in myself, faith that God can use me to accomplish things. I need to be confidant in who I am and what God sees in me. I have always struggled with feeling worthy. I look into the faces of my girls and I worry that I wont be good enough to provide for them. I am the Queen of self doubt.
I want everything that God has for our little family and I don't want a lifetime of fear and self doubt stand in the way of getting it. I don't want to get by I want to flourish. I want to get to heaven and hear well done.
In short as we hit the two year mark I need to throw off the grave clothes and begin to live my life in the way Gary wanted me to live my life. Some of his last words to me were not to be afraid.
This past weekend I asked God to speak to me. I told God I know you aren't going to give me the details but I need to hear form you about our future and he used two instances to say pretty much the same thing to me.
Thank God he knows I am really hard headed and need him to repeat himself the first came in the words spoken by Paul Wilbur (who was Gary's absolutely favorite worship leader) at the beginning of his message to us at church.
The second came in the word of the day from KLOVE that came to my email that afternoon.
This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again!
~ Ezekiel 37:5, NLT
The video of the Paul Wilbur message can be seen at http://www.redeemerfamily.tv/messages/2013/07-21-13/video.html
Both said the same thing to me. For four years we have either lived in the midst of Cancer slowly taking Gary from us or we have been mourning him and the life that we had with him. God graciously allowed us the freedom and provision to mourn Gary without worry. Now the time for mourning is done and life has to begin again.
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