I am writing this at 3 in the morning so I am not sure what this will look like. I have been trying to proof my posts and make them as neat as possible but it is late so be merciful.
Since Gary's death the girls have taken on certain aspects of life that Gary handled. Stuff like killing bugs and taking out the trash is Annie. Computer stuff is handled by Merry and the occasional heart to heart to encourage is being handled by Cassie.
Tonight was one of those nights. Cassie is so funny when Gary died she was PISSED at me (I know that is not a nice word but it is appropriate for how much she hated me) I honestly spent many hours praying not to loose her. I would beg God to let Gary come and give her a talking too.
Well tonight we had a heart to heart. We have been discussing as a family our plans for the future. She asked me if I had heard any direction from God lately (how cool is that for your kid to ask that) and I was honest, I told her that I felt like God told me to pray specifically.
Pray for what I want to happen. I told her that is kinda the problem I am not really sure if God came down and gave me a blank check for the next five years what I would ask him for.
I told her that I long for a relationship again but I know that is not what God wants from me right now.
I told her part of me wishes I could just go back to being a wife and mom again and not worry about careers or paying bills. I know that God wants me to figure out who I am and what I can become with God's help before I become anyone else's wife again.
I told her that I wished I would have taken time after high school to figure these things out but the allure of becoming Mrs. Gary Schriver was too much (I am not a patient person).
This part is where she blew me away. I told her that I am grateful I didn't wait though because Gary was instrumental in molding me into the person I am today and that person might just be able to make this new life work, with Gods help.
She told me that I can't give Daddy all the credit for molding me, he did work hard in molding and developing me but she said all of his work would have been for nothing if I didn't allow myself to grow and be changed. She told me I should be proud of myself because alot lumps try to get made into something beautiful but they don't let the sculptor work.
She hit on the real issue in my heart. I know what I desire for our life in the next 5 years but honestly I don't think I deserve the things I want.
I always thought I did good work because Gary was behind me. Cassie told me that yeah Daddy (Gary) helped alot but he didn't do that stuff for you he was just your cheerleader and he still is.
Out of the mouths of babes. Now I am going to spend the weekend making a list of my hearts desires for the next 5 years and we will see what happens.
I did one of those lists for my future husband and God answered every single one of the requests down to feet bigger than mine.
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