Thanksgiving plans for us were sort of a bust this year. We had planned to go and eat with Gary's family and I wanted the girls to meet some relatives that they had never really met before. I was was anxious about going but I am anxious about even going to dinner with my side of the family not because anything is wrong with them it is just a reminder of who I do not have with me anymore.
Well all plans got pitched because I came down with a nasty chest cold. I spent most of Thanksgiving sleeping in a cough syrup induced coma. I did manage to take the girls out to a restaurant that night.
I was thinking it was going to be really busy but there was only two families in the whole restaurant. It kind of felt like a scene from an old movie (don't remember the movie just the scene) when a single Dad burned Christmas dinner and ended up eating at a Denny's with his disgusted children. That was us but I didn't even try to cook and my girls roll with the punches and they were stoked to be eating at their favorite restaurant.
While we waited for our food we did the traditional thing and asked each other what we were thankful for.
The thing I was most thankful for are my girls. They are the single biggest source of stress and worry in my life but they are also the biggest source of joy and laughter in my life. I really could not have asked for any better children.
Thanksgiving morning Merry decorated the tree for us and watched a how to video on making pancakes and after successfully making a stack of pancakes brought them to me in bed. She apologized for the food being simple but I was almost in tears, so touched that she would even think about doing such a sweet thing.
I call my girls the anti teens. I always heard that teens are withdrawn and don't want to be with their parent but not my chickens. I cant even potty without one of them hanging by the door chatting about what they want to be when they grow up or what is happening in their daydreams.
When their Daddy died I told them that we had to be a team if we were going to survive and a team is what we are. I am so grateful for them plus they are wickedly funny especially my little one. Little one has this ascorbic whit that keeps me rolling.
My Middle daughter has matured by leaps and bounds since her Dad died. She is sort of my Mommy 2 she helps keep her sisters in check and is often times my sounding board and encourager.
My eldest has had a tough year physically but she is always willing to jump in and help. She has such a sweet and willing heart.
I laid in bed this morning in between coughing fits and tried to think about other things that I am super grateful for this year. A lot of self realization has happened this year for me. I think the biggest thing that has happened is how I see myself. I used to tell Gary, "I have a lot of aquaintices but I don't think their is anyone who would really count me as a friend."
Gary would try and show me I was wrong but I never saw it. I think it really hit home when I was planning my 40th. I invited a bunch of people but honestly I would have been thrilled if one or two people came and I was preparing myself for no one coming. We had thirteen ladies there. I was this cross between stunned silent and giddy the whole night. I felt like Sally Field when she accepted her oscar. I couldn't get the smile off of my face for a week.
It felt so good to think that I have been a blind fool,I do have friends :) I guess I hide it well but I have a horrible problem with self worth and to think that thirteen ladies would give up an evening at home to come and help me celebrate it was was definitely something to be thankful for.
The other thing I am thankful for is new opportunities. I have dreamed for a long time about doing things and was petrified at the thought of even trying but this year I got to do them and now I am not so afraid of them anymore.
My writing weather it has been on fanfiction.net, in the Pv and Atlantic beach life magazine or in school. In September when I started writing I was terrified that I would suck and critics would come back and say something like, "God bless you you tried" or "Honey writing is not your gifting". My articles have been well received and my fanfiction site gets nearly twenty thousand hits a month.
I also got the chance to be on the radio. Realistically I am not sure if anyone really listens to me but I have had the opportunity to create, write, produce and voice my own radio show and I have had so much fun doing it. I hope that radio is apart of the big picture God is painting of my life right now.
For the first time in 5 years I am actually looking forward to the this next year. Looking forward to cultivating and appreciating friendships, looking forward to trying even more new things and looking forward to the new adventures that await the girls and I.
I am so thankful that God is watching out for me and nothing we ever face or go through is done alone.
I feel like I am starting to sound a little like a Hallmark movie but its all true. I guess I have existed in a constant state of numb the last few years. When Gary was battling cancer all my energy went into him and I wouldn't change a moment of any of the time I spent taking care of him. It was the hardest thing in my life and I felt like a part of me was dying with him but he died knowing he was loved and cherished and I think God I was able to give him that gift.
For probably the first 6 months after he passed it was just numb. I honestly didn't know what I was going to do with myself.
After I got over the first 6 months I got a fresh vision for what I was to do and I started back to school. Not only has school been good in respects for a future job but it has helped me start to expand my horizons.
I sit now with a term and a half left of school (stadium cheer) and I am so excited to soak up every opportunity that God has for me. Best of all my girls are excited about the future.
They are excited with the possibility of moving next year. None of us want to leave our church, friends and family but the idea of going somewhere where there is no sad memories only the opportunity to make fresh ones it is exciting.
I am thankful for this blog and the people who read it. Gary and I started the Cancer Blog the Schriver marathon as a way to keep family informed but soon it became written therapy for us. I hope you can see that this blog is the same for me now.
Some things that I ask you to be in prayer about. Our family insurance got canceled. I am trying to get the kids on medicaid but I also need to find some insurance for me. I have too many serious health issues to go long without coverage.
The other thing is in January I am going to really start putting myself out there for a job. There are so many things I would love to do but I don't want what is good I want what is perfect and ordained by God.
Thank you all for reading and if I dont post again before the new year please know that the girls and I wish for you the Merriest of Christmas's.
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