My eldest turns 16

After a year and a half the bitter sting of loosing Gary is starting to fade a little. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. All I have to do is look into the faces of my girls and I am reminded of the man that holds the other half of their genetic make up.

It is days like tomorrow when we celebrate my eldest 16th birthday that I miss Gary most. Birthdays were always so special to him. They were days to celebrate the person and let that person know how much they are loved. He would always take the girls out and let them pick out their cake and pick out a present.

He had big aspirations for each girls sweet 16.
He wanted to have a blessing for each of the girls when they hit 16. Sort of like a bat mitzvah he wanted to take time on their 16th to bless them with the things that he wanted for them as they begin the process of leaving childhood and entering adulthood.

We are going to do something similar to what he wanted. I am going to have a book and pen out at the party and I am going to ask all the family and friends to write out a wish that they have for Annie as she begins the steep uphill journey to adulthood.

Thankfully, the basics I would want for my girls are there in them all ready. Each one of them loves God and desires to serve him in their life. They know the value of prayer and they have the faith (through the example of the last 3 years) that God is a miracle working God and he is watching out for them. They know what is important to look for in a mate and they have no interest in boys right now other than the casual appreciation of a particularly fine specimen. They see that all those years of mommy and daddy telling them to get a degree in something before you are married is not bad advice as they watch me struggle through getting a degree at almost 40.

I hope for Annie and the others is that they would grow up feeling loved and cherished by their father, me and the strain of the last 3 and a half years will not wear their souls down.

We are still living in a very uncertain place. When Gary was alive they had security. Daddy worked to earn money for us, mommy stayed home and took care of us and got in trouble for spending the money that Daddy made to quickly. Now none of us are sure what tomorrow is going to hold. In a way it is exciting for us all to dream about possibilities of the future but the fear of the unknown is still there and it is really scary.

All of this rambling to say as my eldest turns 16 this year and my baby will be 13 in the fall I am thrilled at the place my girls are in. They have survived things that would kill some people. You know I share a lot but I don't share everything. They went through more and saw more with Gary's illness than any child or adult should ever have to experience and that is with me acting as shield for the really bad stuff.

They have some cracked edges and trips through a therapist office may or may not be in our future but the people that those girls are make a momma proud. They have their issues and their quirks (don't we all) but their fabric is beautiful. I worried when they were babies that my children would be those awful kids that drank and smoked and slept around. My girls cant be farther from that.

They actually got upset with themselves the other day that they aren't like the stereotypical teenager. I had to laugh and thank God they were nothing like MTV says a teenager should be.

There are days when the ever changing emotional outburst of teenage girls make me want to slowly smother them but I know that this phase will pass and if the worst thing I have to deal with is my youngest telling me I am a horrible mother in a fit of rage then I can deal with that. Maybe, hopefully.

Anne Elizabeth, Cassidy Margaret and Merry Caroline. You make your mom and your dad so proud of the young women you all have become. You all have made it through more in your young lives then your Daddy and I ever wanted to put you through but I think it made you guys stronger. I know each one of you will do some amazing things one day. You all are amazing people and it is an honor to know you all and an extreme pleasure for you all to call me mom or woman (inside joke)

I know your Daddy would be so proud of each of you and Annie as you celebrate your 16th birthday tomorrow I know Daddy will be looking down and smiling at you.