Small Victories

The process of recreating me is sometimes a very difficult one. Today was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do in a while, I ordered new checks this time though my checks will just say Cindy on it and not Gary and Cindy. I know most of you reading this are like Oh kay you have been through so much and THIS is hard. It is hard because it puts a finality on the whole thing I am not Cindy married to Gary anymore I am Cindy single mom. I am not a fan of that title either and still cringe when I tell people I am a widow. I hate the "ahhh you are so young to be a widow" yes yes I am young and no I wasnt married to a 89 year old he was only 42 yada yada yada it is never a simple conversation after that lol. The kids have gotten at gymnastics or other events " why havent we seen your dad here" they answer back with an incredious "cuz he is dead". I guess it still sorta stings for us it is all so fresh still.
One HUGE accomplishment is going to happen in two weeks I will graduate college with my AA degree granted I have to get two  more years in at the University but getting my AA is mile moving a mountain for me. It has taken me 20 years to get this degree. I pray the BS will not take another 20 I have to start being able to support my kids on my own soon. I plan on celebrating in a HUGE way when I get that peice of paper. Gary wanted me to get my degree more than anything else and I hope I make him proud.
I feel rally blessed right now I am living off of social security and life inscurance now I do not have to get a job I can sit back and concentrate on raising my girls and helping us heal. I think they are going through a reinvention process too. It will be so interesting to see what we all look like at the end of this process.
We have a couple of bitterseweet things coming up.. Monday night we are having a baloon release in honor of Gary and others who have passed on. Monday is Gary's birthday so the event will be laced with his favorite color green and the color of his cancer awarness ribon (zebra print). The other thing will be the Relay for life Gary's Dad got the idea of forming a team to raise money for cancer research in Gary's name. We will be Team Gary the team that lives long and prospers (star trek qoute Garys fav). It will be an honor to take part in the event but it will be hard being a caregiver that lost their loved one. I watched the video of the survivors lap that takes place and sat in my bed and cried my eyes out. I prayed so hard that Gary would one day march proudly wearing the title of survivor. I tried to get him to let me push him in a wheel chair 2 years ago but he wouldnt because he didnt think that he would be a survivor.  Another video had a luminary that said we miss you so much daddy on it with kid pictures drawn and again I lost it. So my main contribution to the team that day will be Kleenex ;) cause I am gonna need it, but getting up and stepping out of my sadness and depression and DOING something that will make a difference I know Gary would be proud. I will post the link to donate when I get it.

So much continues to happen life rolls on and on but you know I have Gary tucked in my heart I still here is words " I am so proud of you I knew you coukd do it" , "your doing great baby stop worrying so much", "No matter what our hearts are still one". Hr told me before he died he was going to be my biggest cheerleader from heaven and I feel him every minute cheering me and the girls on. I love you babe :)

Halftime

I saw an add during the Super bowel that told America that they are now in the halftime and need to come out fighting to win the game. That is how I feel the first half of the game started beautiful but ended brutal but now I am sitting in the locker room waiting to hear how the coach wants me to finish the game. I am just waiting not striving or struggling God with his immense care has seen to our needs for the short while. So I am just waiting. Waiting is something that is incredibly difficult to do for someone like me but I am trying. Trying to carve out time to spend with God just listening. Some stuff has been said I know what direction I am going to go with my college degree that was a huge struggle. Things are beginning to move a little for us the girls have gotten involved with either music or sports and I have begun to teach some cake decorating classes again. March 5th I begin the last two classes to complete my associates degree. I have not gotten involved with any ministries or any out side activities, I know those will come. I am giving myself a lot of grace when it comes to getting back into activities, my girls have been my top priority as they should be.
I get frustrated at myself I can do so good emotionally for so long I think I have got this down and then something like Valentines day comes and it is like someone ripped the band aid off a hairy arm, the wound is uncovered and the area is irritated. There are times where I would give everything that I owned to be in Gary's embrace for 5 minutes. I miss the unconditional love that he showered on me. I know his love and memory will never die but I am sorry that doesn't help when you cant look into his deep brown eyes and feel totally and completely loved with one look.We had a long talk about this very thing shortly before he died he told me to always remember that he loved me more than he ever thought was possible for him to love another human being but he is going to be happy in the arms of Jesus and he is going to be cheering me on till I meet him again. (sob break) He told me that he knew I didn't like being alone but he told me God has something planned for this time of being alone, but he told me I am praying for the man that comes along latter and helps you eventually finish the race. He was so funny he told me he is praying for the man to be an amazing spiritual leader of the home but also a sex machine :) He was such a mess he knew when to throw something in there to make me bust out laughing when I was in tears. Once the second half of the game starts it is going to be interesting NOTHING is the same. I am now a single mom of three teenage daughters (I have to keep saying that because it is so scarey to say) . I know that this phase in my life is the phase I think God wanted me to go through before I was married but I didn't. This is a time for me to find out who I am! Why did God create me like I am what about me needs to fall away and what about me needs to be allowed to flourish. I need to like and appreciate myself for who I am and believe that I can do anything I set my mind to do. I need to believe that I have something to say to people that can make a difference. I need to believe that I am like Hailey's comet that comes around once in a lifetime and if I don't share the gifts that God gave me then I am cheating the world. I need to learn how to effectively help other women discover the same about themselves. I need to believe that I am the woman that God and Gary told me I was. Shew the second half of this Game is going to be amazing and I will always hear the words of my biggest fan telling me YES GO FOR IT!!!
I am also looking forward to the day God helps me to find love again. I am not sure if that will ever happen. I loved Gary more completely and more passionately than I ever could have possibly loved someone he was my one and only love I never dated or kissed another he was my all and all and I miss him so much on this valentines day. We never had a lot of money so our gifts were never extravagant to he would write me a love poem the valentine before last he played you are my sunshine on his guitar and sang it to me. Even if he cant reciprocate this valentines day baby this is for you
The parenthesis are the motions to the song :)

You are my sunshine (my hands around my head like a sun) my only sunshine you make me happy(fingers making my mouth smile) when skies are gray (pointing with a sad face to the gray carpet) you'll never know dear (with hands beside my head like antlers) how much I love you please don't take my sunshine away(sad face waving at you blowing kisses to heaven)

You’ve thought about it, talked about it, and done nothing about it. It’s time to get yourself up and get UR life on track to follow UR dream. Like the fleeting rainbow after the storm. During trials in our life’s when can get so caught up talking about the storms we are weathering or the damage they have done, that we don't see the rainbow that presents itself.

I am not sure where I saw this quote but I found it on one of those sticky notes on my computer. I will run across something and copy and paste it to one of those notes usually never to look at them again. This one struck me today for a banner for 2012. This is going to be a year like no other obviously most of all because of missing Gary but I have a feeling it is going to be like no other year. We camped out at the Valley of the shadow of death for two years it is time to go up the next mountain.
Happy Christmas to everyone and Happy almost New Year :)

Limbo :(

Do You ever feel like your life is odley similar to the movie Groundhogs Dady?? You wake up every morning thinking life will go on but instead you have to go through the same mess day after day. That is what my life is getting to be like we are in this merry go round of emotions happy one minute then missing Daddy the next. None of us have felt 100% since August and life seems to keep slamming us. First the air conditioner, then a series of small things inside break then the tree on the car thing. We learned to not say whats next a long time ago but we still think it. We were all doing pretty good when we went to the Great wolf lodge. We got a chance to just have a little fun and we had some good one on one talks. But once we got back home and the realization that its Christmas time sort of ripped the scab of our heart and it has been hurting just as much as ever. Daddy was a HUGE part of Christmas he did everything with us now I am stuck trying to keep Christmas going and we are trying to figure out how we can rework our whole Christmas. The joy sure isnt in Christmas this year. We ended up purchasing a new tree and a bunch of new ornaments and we have been getting ornaments that represent our new family of 4. None of us want to forget about what was, there would be no way we ever could, but something simple like getting new ornaments helps us make sort of a line in the sand. We are heading to Disney for a couple of days next week I am hoping Mickey can induce some Christmas spirit in us cause right now we do not have any. We all Love the pagentry of celebrating Jesus birth and we will do that too at home and at church. The sad thing now is when I think of heaven all I can think is I want to go NOW I miss Gary so much. There is a line in a song that makes me cry everytime it says "If home is where my heart is than I am out of place". How can I be mom and dad to my girls, run my home, go back to school and start earning a little money next year how am I going to do that when I cant even get my heart in the right place. I am so praying that 2012 will bring some joy and prosperity for us all. I am not alone in my grief this year alone we as a church family have sent several babies and adults to reside in heaven. The girls and I tease pretty soon they will have a Christ the redeemer church heaven campus. That is being silly toward a sad sad fact so many people are in similar boats as me I just pray that clarity of purpose and strength beyond measure will come to all who have suffered this year.

ps The girls tell me I have finally gotten comfortable with saying that I am a widow. It is a big thing for me. When Gary first died and someone would do something for us they would say "God told us to care for widows and orphans" and it would just make me boil now I say thank you I desperatley needed your help :) so hey tiny stteps right ;-)

All things NEW

The weekend before Thanksgiving we were getting ready to head out on our first really big vacation 2 weeks 3 hotels and about a billion miles ( okay not a billion) and what happened a TREE fell on our car. Yes you read that right a tree and we ended up letting insurance fix it and I bought a new one .I knew that this car wasn't going to last too much longer it was a 99 but I wasn't planing on spending the money and going through the mess of a new car purchase yet. True to the way God has been working we went from a Ford Expedition to a Honda Odyssey something completely different then before. The car is only the first of many things since Gary died that I have had to do differently it seems that slowly God is forcing me from the the things we had as a married couple and making me make decisions and changes that I have to to take ownership of . I may be over analyzing this but to me God is making me stand on my own two feet. I was always really horrible at decisions I would ALWAYS let Gary make the finale call on choices that affect the whole family. Now I don't have him I have to rely on myself and God to make choices and that is so super scary. It seems that God has put me in this really scary situation but has given me all the padding and security I need to GO FOR IT!! I am thirty eight years old and I have a blank slate I can go and do and be anything I want too be. I am now and will always be Mom to three amazing young ladies but the youngest will be in college in seven short years and it will be me alone. I sit and think holy mosses what am I gonna be when I grow up. Someone asked me if I could be anything in the world what would it be?? I have to turn of the "practical side" if I could do anything in the entire world what would it be. I took all those aptitude tests hoping that would lead me in the right direction but no joke my results where you could do anything other than an acceptance or a computer programmer. Gee thanks that doesn't help a bit it out ruled the only two jobs that would be the equivalent to a living hell for me. I love to do three things ,other than mom cause that is a given.
1) Help people. I love to help people in anyway. I get so fulfilled by helping teach someone a new skill or counsel someone or be the one who smiles at someone any kind of helping I love.
I am not sure how that is going to fit in my eventual career but it will be in the helps somehow.

2) Cake decorating I enjoy the creative process involved in cake decorating picking apart a design and putting it back together to help make a wonderful cake.
Starting in January I am going to amp my cake side business up and hopefully start supplementing my income a bit and not rely totally on social security and life insurance. I have been to unsure of myself before now to really put myself out there in any area I hate rejection but I have come to a place where if I am rejected what will happen. Nothing the sky won't fall life will not end I will try again the worse thing that will happen is I have a ton of stuff to bless other people with who can't afford cakes so it is a win win

3) My last big love is writing. I was told in college by my English teacher that I could be a writer one day but I better have a wonderful editor ( he knew me well). I blew him off because I did not have the self confidence to pursue something that is pretty much guaranteed to have rejection. I never really had the self confidence to do much. I always thought I am going to fail so why try well not anymore. I wrote for a homeschool newspaper for two years I wrote a fairly successful blog with my husband for two years and I have been published in other medical related newspapers in regards to my health issues, so now I can say I am a published writer I actually have enough stuff to make up a pretty descent portfolio. What do I have to loose? This next year I am going to dust off a children's music theory book I wrote a few years ago and see about publishing it I am almost done with an Advent devotional book. I am also in the process of turning our cancer blog into a book and a devotion book on grief. If God is for me who can be against me and if the things I write only serve to encourage one other person then they are totally worth it.

I say all this to ask that you all my friends and family hold me accountable if you see me slipping into my old ways of saying I am not good enough or I was stupid to even suggest I do this you have permission to smack me silly. I am determined to live out this life to make Gary and God proud of me. If I achieve earthly success yippee but the success I want is hearing well done good and faithful . Thank you all for walking with me through this recreation journey I could not d this without you.

Today I went to go see the Muppet Movie with my sister and mom and thank goodness it was dark because I balled like a baby. Gary and I have both loved the Muppets from the time we were kids he even had a membership card in the Muppet fan club. This would have been a movie that he would have wanted to see at midnight opening night.The main character in the movie was named Gary too. I hope that God let him watch it with us from heaven :( I always thought of us as Miss Piggy and Kermit but unfortunately life doesn't always have Happy endings :( After the tears dried we got lunch and then headed to the American girl Hotel.
On the way to the American girl hotel I followed the directions from my GPS and I thought that this little GPS is an instrument in my recreation. When we would travel in the past Gary would either drive or he would be right there telling me turn here and turn there and when he died I lost my co-pilot that is one of the main reasons that I feared going on this vacation because I did not have that co-pilot and well the girls tell me I can be a creative driver but thanks to that sweet little machine I am not quit as unique of a driver I have only got lost twice so YEAH navigation systems :) It is amazing how God works He provides in unique ways but he always does provide.

Recreating Cindy

In July I was a happily married woman with joint checking accounts everything in my life was done as a pair. Then August 2nd I had to tell my sweet husband goodbye as he lost his battle with bone and live cancer. All of the sudden this perfect partnership was now a single and in the next month my bank made me change my checking accounts from joint to single and I had to get a credit card on my own and this past weekend I had to buy a car on my own. That has been on top of parenting on my own and making decisions on my own. We would talk about everything we made a joint choice about dinner I mean we were one in every since. In the last three months I have had to mourn my husband and begin a process that may be even more difficult and that is the redefinition of me..I spent the weekend after a tree fell on my old car looking toward heaven asking God why oh why did He take Gary I need him HERE so bad I cant handle all these things without his help. I could almost hear Gary tell me "the girl I married couldn't handle this life but the woman I left is doing a great Job". I use to tell Gary the thing that meant more than any gold or silver was him telling me that he was proud of me and now more than ever I am going to embrace this process of redefinition and hopefully build on the foundation of confidence and love that Gary built and rebuild Cindy in a way that will make Gary grab my face when I get to heaven like he used to and tell me that he is so very proud of me. I also cannot wait to hear God say well done good and faithful.