Does anyone ever have anxiety jump on them out of the blue? Today the girls ran into Target to pick up a couple of things and I sat in the car (yes they are teens I can do that now) with the radio pumping and my game up on my phone. I was thrilled I had just gotten past a level I have been stuck at for a week and then the anxiety wave hit me.
The thoughts came fast and furious, "Wow you are really pretty useless. You cant even get a job", "You are pathetic to think that you, YOU can ever get a job as a writer"and a whole bunch of other stuff that I wont write down. I sat there and the muscles in my neck just twisted up and within five minute the tight muscles turned into a killer headache.
I have enjoyed the last two and a half years skimming through life living on life insurance. In a lot of ways that cushion of money helped me to live in a bubble and not really face what life was going to be like for the girls and I.
Now I am back to counting my pennies and reality is crashing down on me. I have chosen a career path based on a lot of prayer and consideration but up to this point the only pay for my work I have gotten has been an attaboy.
Don't get me wrong I LOVE those. I write fanfiction and my last story had 223 positive reviews and 1 negative one. Can you guess which one I dwelled on?
I have faith that I am exactly where I am supposed to be ( I think). It is so hard though. Cassie asked, "Why don't you look for a job in another field?" My answer is doing what?
I am not a skilled laborer. I am 40 years old and only worked a year of my life and that was answering phones part time and teaching water therapy the other half. I need a secretary, I could never be one. I have a lot of OJT as a nurse and pharmacist but that wouldn't get me a job. There is also that thing about me running away if someone throws up that kept me from finishing the premed thing I had going for a while. I can handle blood and guts (if it isn't my kids's) but let me even hear someone throw up and I am around the corner doing the same.
I am in that horrible hurry up and wait stage in my life and I HATE it. When things don't happen immediately I fear that I made the wrong choices.
I say that I wish God would send it to me in writing that I am doing the right thing and you know what he does sometimes and I STILL don't believe him.
I am rambling tonight and I am sorry. I ask that you would pray for some God confidence for me.
Not that life itself doesn't bring enough condemnation but I saw my poor self esteem show up as a quality in my girls. Merry is one of the most talented kids I know and she only can see the flaws in what she does and not how amazing it is that she did it to begin with.
I want to be an example to my girls of strength and tenacity. I want defy the odds and land a well paying writing job in Southern California with a part time gig on the radio and I want to stand tall and not let fear stop me from doing anything.
Thank you for walking this out with me. The pastor at church has been doing a series about coming out of the ruins. Every week one of my girls looks at me at some point in the sermon and mouths, "That was just for you from God".
My faith was at a real low today. I came home and went through old photos and treasures. PS if you are all ready down just skip the whole go through your dead husbands stuff; it will just make it worse.
I did get a little faith boost tonight. A friend posted a pic of an article I wrote that I didn't think made it through editing. That is always cool to have someone post your work on your page.
Life is so stinking hard sometimes. I know in the end it will all be worth the struggle. I really look forward to seeing what comes out of the ruins of my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment