This is the logo Merry created for our out of the ruins time




Does anyone ever have anxiety jump on them out of the blue? Today the girls ran into Target to pick up a couple of things and I sat in the car (yes they are teens I can do that now) with the radio pumping and my game up on my phone. I was thrilled I had just gotten past a level I have been stuck at for a week and then the anxiety wave hit me. 

The thoughts came fast and furious, "Wow you are really pretty useless. You cant even get a job", "You are pathetic to think that you, YOU can ever get a job as a writer"and a whole bunch of other stuff that I wont write down. I sat there and the muscles in my neck just twisted up and within five minute the tight muscles turned into a killer headache. 

I have enjoyed the last two and a half years skimming through life living on life insurance. In a lot of ways that cushion of money helped me to live in a bubble and not really face what life was going to be like for the girls and I. 

Now I am back to counting my pennies and reality is crashing down on me. I have chosen a career path based on a lot of prayer and consideration but up to this point the only pay for my work I have gotten has been an attaboy.

Don't get me wrong I LOVE those. I write fanfiction and my last story had 223 positive reviews and 1 negative one. Can you guess which one I dwelled on?

I have faith that I am exactly where I am supposed to be ( I think). It is so hard though. Cassie asked, "Why don't you look for a job in another field?" My answer is doing what? 

I am not a skilled laborer. I am 40 years old and only worked a year of my life and that was answering phones part time and teaching water therapy the other half. I need a secretary, I could never be one. I have a lot of OJT as a nurse and pharmacist but that wouldn't get me a job. There is also that thing about me running away if someone throws up that kept me from finishing the premed thing I had going for a while. I can handle blood and guts (if it isn't my kids's) but let me even hear someone throw up and I am around the corner doing the same. 

I am in that horrible hurry up and wait stage in my life and I HATE it. When things don't happen immediately I fear that I made the wrong choices. 

I say that I wish God would send it to me in writing that I am doing the right thing and you know what he does sometimes and I STILL don't believe him. 

                                             One of the times he sent it to me in writing :)


I am rambling tonight and I am sorry. I ask that you would pray for some God confidence for me. 

Not that life itself doesn't bring enough condemnation but I saw my poor self esteem show up as a quality in my girls. Merry is one of the most talented kids I know and she only can see the flaws in what she does and not how amazing it is that she did it to begin with. 

I want to be an example to my girls of strength and tenacity. I want defy the odds and land a well paying writing job in Southern California with a part time gig on the radio and I want to stand tall and not let fear stop me from doing anything. 

Thank you for walking this out with me. The pastor at church has been doing a series about coming out of the ruins. Every week one of my girls looks at me at some point in the sermon and mouths, "That was just for you from God". 

My faith was at a real low today. I came home and went through old photos and treasures. PS if you are all ready down just skip the whole go through your dead husbands stuff; it will just make it worse. 

I did get a little faith boost tonight. A friend posted a pic of an article I wrote that I didn't think made it through editing. That is always cool to have someone post your work on your page. 

Life is so stinking hard sometimes. I know in the end it will all be worth the struggle. I really look forward to seeing what comes out of the ruins of my life. 

                      The Relay is a really great thing to be a part of.

I guess I should start out with HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I know that is 40 days late, but hey better late than never. :)

I cannot believe that it is 2014. This is going to be a  pivotal year for the Schriver Girls. I think the last two and a half years has been mourning  and trying to make peace with this new life. Now as we go into the third year without Gary life is going to be changing and changing a lot.

I have been flitting through the past few years without a real purpose or goal in mind other than survival. God asked me as we started this New year to begin to examine myself and set some goals.
Let me add a disclaimer first, My main goal is to be a Mom to those three amazing young women but to be fair that has always been my main purpose and even though the job duties will change it will always remain the top purpose to my life.

What I want out of myself this year-

I want to be creative.

I want to begin new projects.

I want to do things that scare the living fudge out of me and do them well.

I want to be open to ANY new things that God wants to throw at me.

I want to work on liking myself and figuring out what makes me feel pretty and feminine.

I want to flirt and be flirted with(I got married when I was 19. I am out of practice)

I want to come up with crazy wild dreams and step back and watch God make them happen.

I want to go to Barnes and Noble when my book comes out and take my picture next to the book in the store.

I want to write another book completely fiction though.

I want to see at least 10 different states this year.

I don't want to expand my horizons I want to realize they are as limitless as the horizon in the sky.

I want to bless a widow.

I want stand up in front of a group of women and share my testimony and NOT feel like throwing up.

I want to have an attitude like the person who rides the roller coaster and throws their hands up and enjoys the ride and stop being the wuss that never leaves the starting line.


They aren't exactly New Years Resolutions but they are my goals for 2014. This is the year to let God build something new out of the ruble that is my life now. I have started working on some of these and I am sure the list will be added but I am ready to get Life 2.0 started