Forty is fabulous

One of my largest character flaws is my self confidence. I tend to care WAY to much about what people think about me and value their words over what I know to be true and what I know God has told me.

I spent 16 years married to an amazing man that spent everyday of his life battling the demons of my insecurities. I also spent,I think, five years in Mentor/Mentee relationships and another two years with a life coach to try and get me into a better place to do all that God has for me.

Low self confidence just isn't something that can make you shy, for me it is something that has been a weight around my neck holding me in place when God has wanted to drag me to new places in my life.

I always thought my lack of confidence was because of my height and weight. I was six foot in 5th grade with a full DD chest and always on the chubby side of life. One day I had a mentor blow my mind she told me that my confidence issues come from the fact that I am a perfectionist and when I do not reach some level of perfection I turn on myself.

When Gary was ill all the fluff in life fell away and it wasn't a matter of finishing the race in style it was just a matter of finishing and when I came out the other end still living and not completely a vegetable from all the stuff that we went through, for the first time in my life I was proud of myself. Suddenly the world is seen through a different lens. I made it through hell you aren't going to stop me.

That whole confidence was shaken when I started to exist as a single mom in a world of two parent families. To hear your kids asked, "Wheres your Dad? Why don't we ever see him at events?" is hard. That threw all of our confidences off. The world wants to put labels on you and that isn't cool. I used to be a labeler to until I felt the sting of them and now I am trying to stop.

Today was a tough day for me I was on a month contract with a job with the understanding that if there wasn't an impact that made the expense worth it then the contract would not be renewed. My rational mind is perfectly cool with that notion but my irrational mind said there is no way it would not be renewed. Well guess what, it was not renewed. I am proud at my over 40 self I thanked them for the opportunity and wished them well and meant it.

Ten years ago I would have broken down into tears, spending the next week depressed and asking WHY why what did I do wrong?

When I got out of the meeting that ended my contract I stopped and thought

"Did I do the best job that I was able to do?" - "Yep"

"Did I go over and above what was expected"(its a personal perfectionist thing)- "Yep"

"Would you have changed anything if you could go back?" - "Nope"

"Did you do anything to burn a bridge or hurt feelings?" - "Nope"

Then all that equals you did your best so walk away and wait to see what amazing things God is going to fill that void with.

I know most people are reading this reaction and going, "yeah that is how most sane people would react big deal?" Go back to the sixth word in that sentence and you will find why it was a big deal for me. :)

I used to have women older than me tell me that you care what people think till you hit forty then God gives you a "Whatever" attitude. (They didn't say whatever the words may have had an f and a u when describing the attitude you get but I won't use such language in my blog)

I think back to seventeen year old me (shiver) and the emotional conflict I would go through when moved from third chair to back row in chorus. Thinking he wanted to get rid of me because he hated me when in reality I was a good foot taller than all my counter parts. I was hard to miss. I was in choir with Gary's brother and Gary saw me for the first time at one of those concerts he said he couldn't stop looking at the tall nubian beauty in the back row with the long black hair.

I am so glad to be the forty one year old woman who still struggles with herself but it isn't a struggle that says I can't do it, it is more of a how do I do things. That just dawned on my as I type I haven't even thought I can't do something in the last few years. I may have had to think how do I adapt my physical limitations to make things work but never doubted my ability. Hmmm I wish Gary could see me know.

I love when a new struggle comes my way the girls automatically say, "Eh you drove three kids across country by yourself, you can do anything"

2015 is not starting how I dreamed it would (In California) or how I thought it would (with ESPN and working) but it is going to be really interesting.

I had an opportunity to work with ESPN and be a Research assistant helping to train cancer patients how to be better patients and I was struggling to figure out how I was going to do both. Merry looked at me and said, "You really don't give a rats behind about ESPN it is just to have the experience and this Cancer thing is something that you are passionate about go for the passion."

I am following the advice of a wise 14 year old and following my passion in 2015. Lord only knows where that will lead but it should be really fun to find out.

Goals for 2015

become descent in French again (took four years of it can't speak a lick past hi my name is Cindy)

take a summer trip from Jax to Rhode Island with the kids (their idea and heck I am game)

get a job that makes actual money (money is a huge struggle right now)

at least begin another book (haven't written anything for me in so long)

get knee replaced (it is getting really bad)

Vlog especially the road trips (single parent road warrior??)

Get back into Church (service times changed we have not made it to church lately)

Do three things I have never done before

regret nothing

Merry Christmas and Happy New year from the Schriver sorority to you.

Desert Places

(warning I wrote this after driving for four days straight I will probably edit it later but I just wanted to get it down now. Thanks for the understanding)



The girls and I just got back from a road trip to California. This journey was a multipurpose journey for us. First it was something asked for and provided by God. We have felt for a while that God was calling us to move to California and it was really scary. Leaving family and home is hard enough but add in the extra stress of not even knowing if you would like it in the place is hard. We prayed that God would let us go and check the place out BEFORE we move and he did. Good news is we LOVE Rancho Cucamonga. The girls commented to me that Rancho seemed comfortable and like home from the very beginning. We can now go from being fearful of what God is leading to being excited about it.

On the nearly 3000 mile one way journey we got to see so much amazing country side. Every state we traveled across had it own vibe to it, they were as diverse as the country side. One part of the journey that seemed particularly long was the desert. While traversing the stretching landscape of the desert God reminded me of the churchy saying, "Well I am in a desert place right now." As a Florida girl when I heard that saying I thought about the old movies where the person got lost in the Sahara and the only thing around them was blowing sand and brown lots and lots of brown.  That maybe accurate of some deserts but not the ones I traveled through.

God reminded me that I have been in a desert place since Gary's death. Sort of wandering around not the least bit confident in myself and not sure the direction that I was supposed to travel. God told me pay attention the next few hours and see what it is to be in a desert place. We started out with the big Sahara like sand, hot and no shade and you could almost hear that whistle that you here in cowboy movies when the bad guy comes in.

Then as we traveled on we ran across a water station that someone made up for travelers. They were large tanks that I guess you could give to your animal or fill your car. They were open to anyone. That struck me as interesting. Someone came and made a place for people to get water in the middle of nothingness.  Then I thought how many times in my journey has there been a similar refreshment.

As we moved on we started to see these big boulders and as we went the boulders got more plentiful and then they started to be stacked on top of one another. They looked like God had a Jinga set in the middle of the desert. One of the girls commented, "Do you think God made the rocks like that just to make us smile?" We were still in the desert place but in that desert place God was there and he made us smile with his crazy creations.

As we moved on toward California we got a little scarred when out of the corner of our eyes we spotted what looked like a tornado. It took me a minute to calm myself down but then I noticed the beauty of the dancing sand. It looked like a scary tornado at first then they became fascinating to us and we even would try and time it to where they would blow over our car. How many times has something that I thought was terrifying became something cherished since I have been in my desert place?

The sand tornados never went away they were always catching my eye letting me know that even though no one was around that I was not alone. We went from the sand to the giant heavenly Jinga game then we moved into the desert mountains. Again my brain went to the old west movies where there were just a ton of sandy rock mountains but that is far from what it is. The rock is a veritable rainbow of colors. If you look at the rocks you can see the layers of the rock and the history in that rock. That beautiful mountain of rock was not just created it was built season after season through all sorts of climate changes and disasters. Everything that rock went through came together to make something amazingly beautiful.

We still had to journey onward with a few people on the road with us now but not very many folks and when you looked off road a midst the sand tornados and the amazing rock mountains you still didn't see a soul, no houses no businesses (including gas stations) The journey was amazingly beautiful though. The rock mountains showed reds and golds and in one place the brown sand was interrupted by a couple of miles of white sand. At the end of our desert journey we were about to run out of gas. Let me tell you from experience make sure your tank is full because there is no Shell station out there. Near the end I was beginning to ask myself if AAA would make a gas delivery at the cross of a bunch of sand and a bunch of rocks?

I was on E now and there was nothing around and you could see for miles. I got my girls involved, I asked them please oh please pray we make it to a gas station. They did and a few minutes later right outside of Palm springs we ran into a place that had a gas station ( thank GOD) and a Burger King and a T-Rex. Yep you read that right. In the parking lot was a group of Dinos lead by T-Rex. You couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing and how amazingly cute they were. We fueled up the car and us and we moved on into the desert place and eventually the desert faded and we moved onto a mountain top experience and the place we want to move to is in the valley but it is surrounded on all sides by the tall majestic mountains. God reminded me on this journey to find the beauty in whatever place you find yourself to be. People say that God isn't in the desert places. He is you just have to look a little harder to recognize him.

I came out of this trip with a new confidence in myself. I always go back to a word a friend gave me that said I was enough. This trip I had to be enough or we would have failed and I was. Directionally challenged me made it from Florida to California and back with three teenage girls.

I also got a new appreciation for my girls, they were amazing they knew when to leave me alone and stew over traffic and they knew when to tell me funny stories and make me laugh so I wouldn't fall asleep. They encouraged me about the move when they asked, "Can we just stay here in Rancho, I love it here?" Today at the end of the journey they gave me a high five and told me they were proud of me. All three of them are pretty amazing.

tI have had my sac cloth and ashes on for three years now and have wandered around in the desert place missing the beauty of the place I was in. Now I can look back and recognize a lot of the beauty I missed. I look forward to moving forward to a new place and I am going to make sure I stop and look around and appreciate the beauty of whatever comes next. I will move on to the next phase of my life with the knowledge that I am enough and God is there with me whether I am in the desert place or on top of the mountain.

Father's Day

I had an interesting conversation with the girls tonight about weather or not they wanted to skip church on Father's Day.

The last few years it has just hurt way to much to go to church on Father's Day. Those were the Sundays we had emergency Disney trips. This year Disney isn't an option and it has been 3 years since we lost him and 5 since he was at church on Father's day so I asked them if they would be okay with going. Honestly I don't want to because it will make me cry thinking about what a wonderful guy he was but I was open to going either way.

Merry explained her thoughts in an interesting way. She told me for her it isn't sad as much as it is uncomfortable. She told me it is like everyone having a lollipop but you and you are going to celebrate lollipops. It isn't as much sad is it is uncomfortable. She said I like lollipops and they are important to celebrate but when you don't have one it is hard.

We are not going to be at church even though we will miss a while with our trip (please don't forget us CRC) but we will be thanking God for all the wonderful men at our church who are amazing Dad's to their kiddos.

I also hope that those amazing men who we celebrate on Sunday may be open to the idea God giving them opportunities to be a father figure to the kids in their lives that do not have fathers. My girls lost their Dad to cancer but their are other kids whose Dad's may be alive but aren't in their lives for whatever reason. There are a lot of is single moms out there who struggle the best they can to be both mom and dad to their kiddos but God designed a child to need a mom and a dad and for whatever reason that role of Dad isn't being met in a kids life I pray that you amazing Dad's out there would be open to stepping in that role for a child who needs it.

My youngest came in the other night and said she read a study where kids who are missing a father figure in their life during their teen years are more likely to do drugs and get pregnant. She said since Daddy died when I was 10 I guess that means I am screwed. I reminded her that she had the most amazing Dad ever for that 10 years and that counts for so much and his influence is still felt in her life on a daily basis.

My girls are blessed they have their Daddy's brothers and Dad who have stepped in and gone to Daddy/daughter dances with them and other things with them. They have seen them come in and save the day when something broke in the house. When we visit my family they have my brother in law who has flown with them on trips before and nephews of mine who have been there to just hang out with them.

I know in the world today the roles of men and women are getting more and more convoluted. It is so not politically correct to say this but what the hay I will say it anyway. Men and Women are different we bring different things to the parenting table and kids need both parts of what we bring.

Dad's rock out loud they are the first best friends to their sons and first loves to their daughters. They help the kids in their life understand more about the awesomeness of our heavenly father when they see how amazing their earthly one is. They give strength and encouragement, they threaten bullies and clean shotguns when daughters start to date. They show their daughters how a man should treat a woman by how amazing they treat their moms. They are there to keep teenage sons from treating their dates like pieces of meat instead of ladies and they are the ones who stand with their daughters at the end of a long carpeted isle and tear up as they remember the 4 year old little girl who came out with fake flowers and a table cloth on her head begging him to walk her down the isle.

My girls have dating and advice and well wishes and prayers for future marriages in letters in a fireproof box. They had a friend stand behind them and show them how to tie a tie when they asked how to do it so they could help their future husbands. They have all ready asked their Grandfather to walk them down the isle one day.

Father's we celebrate you on Sunday and we thank God for all the amazing Dads out their who sew into their kids life and other kids who God puts in their path who need them.

Happy Father's Day

Hitting the road Jack or Jackie in our case...

Wow, the last couple of months have been so depressing. Money has been tight and I mean squeaking out the quarters kind of tight. I don't have a job or benefits and school is taking forever to finish, Annie kept having seizures, I couldn't afford my medication and I just wanted to sit in a pile of ashes and use broken pottery to pick my scabs (Job reference).

I went to church and I laid it out there for all to see. I put how bad things have been on my communication card and I think I was even lower spiritually then right after Gary died. I cried out to God that sunday and told him exactly how he can solve my problems. Funny thing is, when you tell God how to solve your issues I think he just laughs at you. After I calmed down, God reminded me of a small retirement fund that was available to take some funds from and so I did. I took enough to catch up on my mortgage, buy a month of the pricey medication and pay most of my credit card off. Talk about stress relief. That was super stress relief.

Well now that I felt better God started talking again and we got on the subject of summertime. A few days latter I find out I have a few thousand dollars coming from grants at school and God says to me well it is time to hit the road. You know where I want you to move to (Rancho Cucamonga, California) it is time to drive out there and bring your resume and start planting some seeds for you and the girls to move out there.

I know it is totally crazy to jump in the car and drive 2800 miles one way on a whim and a prayer but that is what we are going to do. Not going to tell you when we are leaving cause that would be sort of cray cray to do on a public blog but at some point in the near future we are going to set out for the great unknown. I am going to go armed with copies of my book (if you haven't read it yet, shame on you :)) and a jazzed up version of my resume and see how God uses it all. I am hoping to find groups to speak to about my book and my testimony but even if that part of the trip doesn't work out it will be 20 days of special once in a lifetime memories for the girls and I.

We are planning on seeing things like Bourbon Street, Tennessee aquarium, the Alamo, area 51, grand canyon, Vegas baby, the pacific, route 66, and of course we will visit Homecoming at terra vista in Rancho Cucamonga to see if the apartments are truly as nice as they seem online.

I am not sure what will come from this trip other than callouses on our hineys and we will be on a super tight budget but I have learned when you go into something with no firm expectations and no money is when really cool stuff happens.

Please be in prayer for us and about the godly appointments we will have on the road. I have no idea what God is doing in our lives right now. In a way it is really scary. I am having to walk the path that God is showing me (achingly slow) and trust him to be the father to the fatherless and the husband to the widow.

Steven Curtis Chapman has a new song called the Glorious unfolding and that song speaks to my life right now in so many ways. I am looking forward to taking this next step on my unfolding and see how God uses this trip and who he will bring across our path.

As always I covet your prayers. August will be three years since Gary left us to go to heaven and in some ways I feel like I am a completely different person but then there are months like the last couple where the only thought I had was God screwed up and took the wrong parent, Gary would have been so much better at this than me. That is the truth, he would have been better at this than me but I am the one that was left and I have stuff to do and accomplish. I still have to remind myself of the word from God a friend gave me a week before Gary was diagnosed, she said God wanted to remind me that I was enough.

That is something I think every woman and mother in the world needs to remember.

Thank you for continuing the journey with me and you can find my book "My Journey through the fiery furnace" on Barnes and Noble or amazon.com or on the various ebook platforms.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rolTdI7I_4M

                     This is the logo Merry created for our out of the ruins time




Does anyone ever have anxiety jump on them out of the blue? Today the girls ran into Target to pick up a couple of things and I sat in the car (yes they are teens I can do that now) with the radio pumping and my game up on my phone. I was thrilled I had just gotten past a level I have been stuck at for a week and then the anxiety wave hit me. 

The thoughts came fast and furious, "Wow you are really pretty useless. You cant even get a job", "You are pathetic to think that you, YOU can ever get a job as a writer"and a whole bunch of other stuff that I wont write down. I sat there and the muscles in my neck just twisted up and within five minute the tight muscles turned into a killer headache. 

I have enjoyed the last two and a half years skimming through life living on life insurance. In a lot of ways that cushion of money helped me to live in a bubble and not really face what life was going to be like for the girls and I. 

Now I am back to counting my pennies and reality is crashing down on me. I have chosen a career path based on a lot of prayer and consideration but up to this point the only pay for my work I have gotten has been an attaboy.

Don't get me wrong I LOVE those. I write fanfiction and my last story had 223 positive reviews and 1 negative one. Can you guess which one I dwelled on?

I have faith that I am exactly where I am supposed to be ( I think). It is so hard though. Cassie asked, "Why don't you look for a job in another field?" My answer is doing what? 

I am not a skilled laborer. I am 40 years old and only worked a year of my life and that was answering phones part time and teaching water therapy the other half. I need a secretary, I could never be one. I have a lot of OJT as a nurse and pharmacist but that wouldn't get me a job. There is also that thing about me running away if someone throws up that kept me from finishing the premed thing I had going for a while. I can handle blood and guts (if it isn't my kids's) but let me even hear someone throw up and I am around the corner doing the same. 

I am in that horrible hurry up and wait stage in my life and I HATE it. When things don't happen immediately I fear that I made the wrong choices. 

I say that I wish God would send it to me in writing that I am doing the right thing and you know what he does sometimes and I STILL don't believe him. 

                                             One of the times he sent it to me in writing :)


I am rambling tonight and I am sorry. I ask that you would pray for some God confidence for me. 

Not that life itself doesn't bring enough condemnation but I saw my poor self esteem show up as a quality in my girls. Merry is one of the most talented kids I know and she only can see the flaws in what she does and not how amazing it is that she did it to begin with. 

I want to be an example to my girls of strength and tenacity. I want defy the odds and land a well paying writing job in Southern California with a part time gig on the radio and I want to stand tall and not let fear stop me from doing anything. 

Thank you for walking this out with me. The pastor at church has been doing a series about coming out of the ruins. Every week one of my girls looks at me at some point in the sermon and mouths, "That was just for you from God". 

My faith was at a real low today. I came home and went through old photos and treasures. PS if you are all ready down just skip the whole go through your dead husbands stuff; it will just make it worse. 

I did get a little faith boost tonight. A friend posted a pic of an article I wrote that I didn't think made it through editing. That is always cool to have someone post your work on your page. 

Life is so stinking hard sometimes. I know in the end it will all be worth the struggle. I really look forward to seeing what comes out of the ruins of my life. 

                      The Relay is a really great thing to be a part of.

I guess I should start out with HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I know that is 40 days late, but hey better late than never. :)

I cannot believe that it is 2014. This is going to be a  pivotal year for the Schriver Girls. I think the last two and a half years has been mourning  and trying to make peace with this new life. Now as we go into the third year without Gary life is going to be changing and changing a lot.

I have been flitting through the past few years without a real purpose or goal in mind other than survival. God asked me as we started this New year to begin to examine myself and set some goals.
Let me add a disclaimer first, My main goal is to be a Mom to those three amazing young women but to be fair that has always been my main purpose and even though the job duties will change it will always remain the top purpose to my life.

What I want out of myself this year-

I want to be creative.

I want to begin new projects.

I want to do things that scare the living fudge out of me and do them well.

I want to be open to ANY new things that God wants to throw at me.

I want to work on liking myself and figuring out what makes me feel pretty and feminine.

I want to flirt and be flirted with(I got married when I was 19. I am out of practice)

I want to come up with crazy wild dreams and step back and watch God make them happen.

I want to go to Barnes and Noble when my book comes out and take my picture next to the book in the store.

I want to write another book completely fiction though.

I want to see at least 10 different states this year.

I don't want to expand my horizons I want to realize they are as limitless as the horizon in the sky.

I want to bless a widow.

I want stand up in front of a group of women and share my testimony and NOT feel like throwing up.

I want to have an attitude like the person who rides the roller coaster and throws their hands up and enjoys the ride and stop being the wuss that never leaves the starting line.


They aren't exactly New Years Resolutions but they are my goals for 2014. This is the year to let God build something new out of the ruble that is my life now. I have started working on some of these and I am sure the list will be added but I am ready to get Life 2.0 started