This was me trying to look cool :) My children tell me it is a lost cause I will never be cool. Oh well, a girl can dream cant she. Haha

Do you ever feel like you have a little demon and the little angels on your shoulders each telling you the exact opposite things. You know the guys I am talking about they used to be in all those those old cartoons.

Finishing out my second year as a widow those little voices are screaming at me.

Angel: You are doing exactly what God has planned for you to be doing. 
Devil: You really must be stupid to think that you will EVER succeed at this writing thing. 

Angel: You are a strong woman handling this single mom thing wonderfully. 
Devil: Please you and your children are ticking time bombs ready to explode. 

Angel: God is going to move you into new areas in your life and re-fire dreams that you thought were long gone. 
Devil: You are insane to think the you will be or do anything other than what you are right now you will never amount to anything special. 


In the last two years everything in my life has gone into flux. I was perfectly content to be a stay at home mom and wife for the rest of my life and now I am in a place where that is really not an option anymore.

I have felt like God told me this is a time in my life when I need to step out in faith and take risks to accomplish new things. I want to accomplish new things, I want to figure out what makes Cindy, Cindy. I want to figure out who I am and who God wants me to be.


My time as someones caretaker is going to quickly be gone. My girls are growing up at warp speed, I will always be their Mom but there will come a day when Mom is not my sole identity. What will be left then.

I have tried to throw caution to the wind and put myself and my writing out there for all the world to see, thankfully the response I have gotten has mostly been positive, it worries me that the few bits of negative (they really weren't negative just not "gushy") feedback I have gotten, I find myself actually getting depressed over. I know I won't make it far in life if I let every negative thing make me cry.


As the world celebrated Valentines Day this past week, of course I felt alone. I miss the love of a good Godly man in my life so much. I thought for a moment, if God came down to earth and put me on some cosmic "Lets make a deal" and behind

      Box number 1: God would allow Gary himself to hand pick someone for me to have a                    relationship with and mary.

    Box number 2: You and your girls have the adventure of a lifetime, fulfilling the inner most dreams that I hid in your heart as a child. 

You know what the answer is? I think it would be box number 2. As much as it hurts to be lonely, I want to find out all that I personally could become even more.

Even though I do not want a relationship,  I did put kiss one man as a New Years goal this year. Don't Judge I have only ever kissed Gary and I am almost 40 years old I want to test drive a few other sets of lips ;)

I heard this line of a song on the radio this evening and I thought it summed up my inner struggle/rambling pretty well-

 I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
(10th avenue north Worn)


So I guess I need to focus on silencing the little devil on my shoulder the next couple of months. And listen only to the Angel. Stuff is about to take off in our life and I don't want to let fear or any nagging little devil to steal one moment of anything God has for us away.

I have all ready had my first published magazine article this year, I have published several articles on an Internet news site and  next month I will be working on my second published piece, by the end of the term, my teacher is going to help me piece together a collection of short stories so maybe by summer I will be ready to publish that book about our life I have been working half heartily on forever. I will also have my own website up by the end of this term with a  full portfolio of my work.

I remember right after Gary passed away God told me to just rest and make some new memories with the girls. He told me when things start moving they are going to move at light speed. Well things are starting to move and I am determined to silence the little devils in my life and throw my hands up and enjoy the ride come what may. No matter what happens with God and my three beauties it is sure to be an adventure :)