Grief and Stuff

    You know we had the Schrivermarathon.blogspot.com blog let people know how we were but we also made that blog when Gary and I sat down and decided to live out loud for all to see. We decided that if we were going to go through this that there would be other people who had to got through it and we did not want them to feel all alone in their battle. We have been so blessed by people that have told us that our blog meant so much to them. That blog is only updated once or twice in a year now.
   
     The marathon of faith has changed. Gary is receiving his reward but the girls and I are still running our marathon of faith. I started a book about mine and Gary's life a while ago and I plan on keeping up with it hopefully one day eventually publishing it. I type until I cry so hard I can't type any more. I have a new thing I want to write about. Something that so many people have to go through and that is grief. I am not a physiologist or a minister so I do not know the right things to tell people about what they should or should not feel. I do have experience. When people say "man I know how you feel" odds are they don't really know how you feel. That is okay I would be so thrilled for no one in this world would have to experience the pain that I have. I want to write a book from the heart friend to friend to that person who just needs to know that they are not alone.

   This is a huge thing for me to admit that I am doing this. I am really good at starting things not so much on finishing things. I am also super self conscious but I feel very strongly that this is the path God wants me to follow. I would treasure your feedback on content. Do you think that this would be a useful book. I have attached the first few pages on the bottom of this. Spelling and Grammar gets fixed latter so ignore that all you grammar natzis. Gary grabbed my face and told me to write my story down and don't be afraid before he died.

   I can take the criticism  if you have it. I guess I need to throw this out here so I can't deny it anymore. If I keep it on my computer and not tell anyone the chances of me having the confidence to get this done is zero. Thank you for your feedback


First part of the book starts here:

My whole life growing up was spent thinking about the man that would one day sweep me off my feet and give me his name. I even made a wish list for God down to every minute detail, like he had to be taller than me and have bigger feet then mine. As soon as I saw my future husband I knew it was him, at least I was pretty sure. He fulfilled every want and requirement on my wish list.  I was right we started dating and were married within a year. We struggled along the first couple of years we were married but we were absolutely committed to each other and not leaving. Our life was not easy we had a ton of medical issues and three daughters born in three and a half years. Through all that we grew more and more in love with each other with each passing day. Soon we found ourselves married for 16 years. I remember that anniversary calculating that I would have been a Schriver longer than a Smith in 6 years when I turned 43. That was a big milestone for us, he remembered when his mom was a Schriver longer than a Mercer it meant so much to her and to Gary and he wanted that same special marriage his parents had. We had an amazing life, we weren’t rich we lived paycheck to paycheck but we had a house FULL of love and that was enough for us both.

 

 A few months after Gary turned 40 our perfect world shattered. Gary had gone to the doctor for what he thought was arthritis and it turned out to be metastatic bone cancer. It is amazing what one phone call can do to your seemingly perfect life. The first few weeks of his diagnosis was spent in a haze I do not think either of us could really comprehend what we were about to go through. Soon after the haze lifted anger set in. How could God do this to us? How could he allow this to happen to our perfect marriage? I thought God had spent 16 years making perfection to break it now? I was angry!! I would get so angry I couldn’t function and I would leave the kids with my mom and take a drive and clear my head. One night on one of those drives God did not try and tell me it was going to be ok he asked me if I would love him no matter what? That made me really think for the first time that yes Gary could actually die from this. If the worst happened and he died could I still love God? It took some soul searching but the answer was eventually yes. I told God that I might not be too happy with him but I would always love him no matter what happened.

 I would love to write that catharsis was an amazing turn around and he was healed and we lived happily ever after. Happily ever after did not happen for us. Gary battled hard for two long years. I watched this strong amazing 330-pound man who was full of life waste away before my eyes. When he died he was less than 180 pounds and every dignity was stripped of him one by one. From his walking unassisted to even going to the bathroom. When he took his last breath he was a shell of who he was physically but his spirit was still there as strong as ever. 

For this next part to be funny you have to know that my husband was an amazing singer. His voice was like putting on a warm sweater out of the dryer.  A few days before he died, I had been on a 24-hour watch of him for about 2 weeks and one early morning he was in a lot of pain and groaning. So I gave him his medicine and started to gently rub his arms and sing a song to him. The song may have not been exactly on key but I was trying and every time I got off key he would groan at me in disapproval. That was proof to me that his body was failing but Gary was still Gary. The day before he died my youngest came up to Gary and told him that she loved him and he was able to muster a “love you moo moo” back to her. That was the last he spoke in this world. I told her that is her special treasure. Daddy’s last love you.

The night before he died I was driving home from work with my youngest and it was a horrible stormy day that day but when we drove home that night it was the most amazing beautiful sunset. I told her that is what God is going to do in our lives he is going to make the most beautiful thing come from the horrible storms. Little did I know the next evening we would gather around Gary’s bed to tell him goodbye.

I knew in my heart that the day was coming soon for Gary to go to heaven but I still didn’t want to believe it. I was still holding out for a miracle. He died August 2^nd 2011 four days shy of the two-year anniversary of his diagnosis.

His memorial service and the first few months after his death were a blur. We managed, we tried to jump back onto life but we weren’t very successful. We tried to carry on but our life, as we knew it could not carry on because the center of that life was no longer there. We had to learn how to recreate ourselves. Mainly me, I was a mom a typical stay at home mom never really worked and now the breadwinner of my family is gone and I am going to have to figure out what I need to do to step into that role of breadwinner.

I remember when the girl’s children’s pastor told me when Gary was alive that they were going to walk with us as we journey into this new role as single parent. I remember I was livid with him, not for what he said but for putting  the words into reality that I was still trying to avoid. I used to get so angry at people when they would misquote the Bible and tell me that God wouldn’t put more on us then we could handle. I would angrily retort and say well that can’t be true because we passed more than I could handle about two years ago. God never promises us that. I promise look it up that verse they quote talks about being tempted with sin more than you can handle without giving you a way out. Misquoting that verse has made so many people embittered toward God. What is a more appropriate verse would be HIS strength is made whole in my weakness or where I am weak he is strong. Gary and I would always remember the fiery furnace. God didn’t rescue them from the furnace but he met them in the fire. Because he did that a nation was saved. We were in that fire for two years. I cannot tell you one day when God was not there in that furnace with us.

God is still walking with us since Gary’s passing he has made our ways straight he has provided in amazing ways. We were able to spend the first full year after his death mourning. Boy did we need it too. The grieving process was not an easy one with three teenage girls and myself.

I knew we would all have to grieve after loosing Gary but I thought naïvely that we would grieve in this straightforward 12 step like process. That was the stupidest thing ever. News flash, grief isn’t a straight line it is more like Christmas lights that have been in the attic for a year. To make it even more interesting for a newly single mom I learned that everyone grieves differently.

I always learned about a persons love language but there is a grief language too. Mine was to be a reclose I just wanted to be alone and wallow in my grief, My eldest daughter was quiet and reserved and didn’t talk much at all. My middle daughter was angry. Daddy was her favorite parent and she made sure she told me and she was angry that I survived and daddy died. She would have been happier if it the other way around. She was shocked when I told her I wished that too. I was having so much trouble adapting to this role as single parent and I knew Gary would handle this all so much better than me. My youngest she threw temper tantrums about everything and when she wasn’t doing that she was cuddled so close to me we could barely move. I really think it took 6 months to get through that initial haze it didn’t get really any better till we made it through the last first with out Gary. August 2^nd 2012 the first anniversary of Gary’s death we all got in the car and went to Sonny’s and ate in honor of him.

It has been fourteen months now and some days it seems like he died yesterday and I can still feel the pain I felt when I watched him die. Some days it seems like I have been on my own for years and the pain is not so bad. Gary spent his last waking hours preparing me to live without him. I remember when we were writing out the girls birthday cards (his gift to them, 10 years of cards) he stopped and grabbed my hand and started to weep he smiled through the tears and told me “I am sure going to miss you”. He knew his time was near but he did not spend a moment in self-pity he took every moment to speak into my life and the girl’s life. He told me to find some one to love I laughed him off and said I did 16 years ago when I met you. Those moments in time are etched in my memory and they can still bring a tear to my eye but they also motivate me to make him proud. I died inside the day that Gary took his last breathe but with Gods grace and the love of my children I am rising up from the ashes. It is a slow process but it is going to be something beautiful. Like that beautiful sunset after the stormy day; something beautiful is going to come from all this.

Thanksgiving

     Last Thanksgiving I was barely able to function the girls and I went out from my sisters house and stayed on vacation for over two weeks.  The girls and I have become experts at vacations this year ;-) This Thanksgiving was different. We are feeling Gary's absence more this Thanksgiving  than last. My girls were adamant about spending this Thanksgiving alone. Part of me was happy to oblige them, you know sitting around a house that is probably not yours and just feeling uncomfortable. It is crazy to be uncomfortable around family and normally we don't but on Thanksgiving it is stressful and so busy.

   This year feels almost like an anti Thanksgiving. No turkey, dressing, or assortment of veggie casseroles for this clan. It is just the four of us Merry has about three things she will eat and Cassie has ruled Veggies of any kind are uncool and is iffy when it comes to eating meat. That leaves Annie and I and well that isn't enough to bake all the normal stuff for. So we decided on getting Italian take out for our Thanksgiving. That seems almost Un American doesn't it?

    I think tomorrow isn't about the food for this little group of gals but it is about our continuing effort to figure out what in the heck this new normal is going to look like and how we fit into it. Tomorrow we will sit around our table and giggle and laugh and share what we are thankful for and then maybe watch a movie in my room. It will be surreal not to have Daddy sitting at the head of the table and smell his famous backed beans cooking. I won't catch Gary and Cassie in the kitchen with a bag of Dorritos acting as "quality control" for said baked beans. There will be no wrestling in the yard or cuddles on the couch playing video games.

    When you loose a person  I think you miss that person first. I remember coming home after Gary's memorial service and crying myself to sleep not only because of his service that morning but the reality that he was no longer here set in. Today 15 months after loosing him I rationally and emotionally know he is gone but now the hard part is missing the moments that we shared and the memories we will never get a chance to make.

    Out shopping today I saw a husband sweetly wheeling his ill wife in a wheelchair. The couple looked to be in their 80's and I cried. I can't tell you how many nights Gary and I stayed up till 2 in the morning talking about growing old together. We used to say we would die in each others arms at 94 and 98 years old.  I thought, do those old people know how precious a gift it is for them to still have each other? My girls smiled at them and said you and Daddy would have had a long happy marriage like that  , well if he hadn't died. ;(

    In recent years Thanksgiving was a time of grief for me. The last two Thanksgiving's Gary was alive he spent the days before the big day in the hospital and was ill on Thanksgiving. We still had him though and we were stressed but still a family.

    Redefining a family is a hard thing to do. You know the first question that the girls asked me after Gary died was? Are Grandma and Grandpa Schriver still our Grandparents? They actually thought that once Gary was gone that our tie to them would be broken. I very quickly made sure they knew that they are always going to be their grandparent no matter what. It did make me think though my calling them my inlaws is technically not accurate anymore. Thankfully they still claim me though.

    I know tomorrow we will have fun and giggle and play but it will be weird and really really lonely. It is an unfortunate needed step in our healing though. We have been dealt these cards and we have got to learn how to play them.

    If you get a chance tomorrow as you are thankful for your family as I am for mine, remember the widows and widowers out there. We are choosing to be alone tomorrow but there are some people who  don't have a choice but to be alone. I saw one of those people today when we went out to eat. A gentleman about 85 years old sat and dined alone and the waitress addressed him like he is a daily customer. She even told him that she will see him tomorrow on Thanksgiving.

    I am so grateful to have a network of family and friends if I reached out I know I would be welcome with the girls at a number of Thanksgivings. That safety net is what helps us take steps in healing like doing Thanksgiving on our own. I have to say that loosing Gary has left me broken in a million pieces but if I had to be a widow I have been given a pretty easy time of it. We have a Grandma that lives with us a good part of the time, another set of grands that live a few miles away. Brother in laws that have standing offers to help, friends who are there when I need them and neighbors who make sure that they are watching my house day and night.

    I don't want to sound cliche or mellow dramatic but take the time tomorrow to really love on and appreciate your family. Take the time to notice the traditions that you may not count as traditions. Notice how Grandpa cuts the Turkey and which of your Aunts is the really bad cook. Love your family and make sure you tell them. Life Changes in a moment and you go from enjoying a holiday to dreading the pain and loneliness that the holidays bring.

    I am in the beginning stages of getting my happy back and it is going to take a herculean effort to find the joy in holidays again but it will happen. I thank God that you all are their to love us through the process.

Happy Happy Thanksgiving from the Schriver Girls :) <3