"I am alive, even though a part of me has died.. take my heart and breathe it back to life" This is a line from a song that means so much to me not just as a good song but it has been a banner over my life recently. As I approach the one year anniversary of loosing Gary to that horrible disease I realize that I have been really treading water this past year. I have felt so down and depressed lately and plain overwhelmed I thought to myself wow I should really be getting through this all ready why am I not?? God told me the fact that I know realize how down I am means the numbness is wearing off and the healing is beginning. I know now that it is so foolish to even think a year was long enough to grieve. Through my grief I also have to realize the "normal" I am waiting to come back never will, it died with Gary. What my new normal is going to look like I am still not sure to be honest.
We recently went through a particularly nasty tropical storm  and we were all frightened at times during the storm. One point Merry looked at me and said
"I wish Daddy was here he knew how to take care of things and calm me down." My first thought was you am me both baby but then I have to admit I got my feelings hurt, here I am busting my hiney trying to be mom AND dad and all the thanks I get is her saying I wish Daddy was here?? (childish of me I know just being real here) I just yelled at God I am sorry I am not being everything to everyone but I am trying. God answered back very sweetly "I don't want you to be mom and dad or everything to everyone I just want you to be the best you , you can be" Wow that is really freeing to me I have to be the best me I can be and let God fill in the rest. God said he would be the father to the fatherless.
This single parent thing is a very complicated endeavor I am going to royally screw up about a 100 billion times but eventually I  will get to heaven  and all my scars will be washed away and God will hold me and say its over now. Hopefully he will also say well done good and faithful servant you were the you I created and I am proud of you.

The process of redefining who I am has been a wild adventure so far. I graduated the community college with my AA degree and I applied and was admitted into the University of North Florida. I some times cannot believe that I have gotten this far I honestly thought that I was NEVER going to get this far :). I went for my advising session at UNF and I sat at the outside of the office and just broke down crying I could feel Gary there beside of me telling me how amazingly proud he was of me and telling me I KNEW you could do it. In the past year since Gary died I have had to make so many decisions about everything from having to buy a new car to choosing what material to replace our drive way with. I seems like EVERYTHING in our house has broken since Gary died but you know what I think it is Gods way of forcing me tom recreate myself. God is not allowing me to take security in things he is making me totally rely on HIM. When in the past I would call Gary at work about what choices I made now I have to take time to go to my Heavenly Father and ask HIM what I should do. I have to trust in God and trust in myself. Gary was the head of our house and I defaulted most things to him. I knew he was going to go to God so I did not worry but now I am the head of our household. In the past year my confidence in myself has increased. I graduated,I took the girls on vacations,I bought refrigerators and dishwashers and bought cars I DID ALL THAT :) I am happy to say that I choose pretty well. I am even typing this blog on the new laptop that I picked out. I would have NEVER done that before it is empowering I am realizing that I am more than what I thought I was I can really graduate college and I can really have a career and be a mom too ;) Up till this year any confidence I had in myself was put there by Gary. He was the most wonderful awesome partner in life I could ever have asked for. He tried so hard to help me see myself as more than the limited picture of myself that I had. I always looked at him for my confidence not believing I had it in myself to do things. Now that he is gone I am beginning to see myself in the way that he saw me all along. Bless his heart when he realized him beating the cancer was unlikely he began to "train" me in small things like paying my bills or making small choices he let me test my wings with a safety net of sorts. Now I think he would be so proud of me doing all the things that I have up to this point and getting myself 4 shot terms away from graduating with a bachelors degree. I am even about to have my first book published, a cute music theory book that I wrote many years ago but was to afraid to print it. Not anymore being a writer is my dream and I won't achieve it unless I venture out and that is what I am going to do. Four days before Gary died he looked at me and told me "don't forget I see you becoming an author and speaker like Beth Moore". I told him he always thought so much more of me that I could ever do but now why can't I do that. Gary used to hear from God prophetically maybe this was one of those times. I may not become Beth Moore but I am going to give this writing a try and I am going to graduate UNF and I am going to be a success at what I do because I believe that God put in me things that I haven't even began to discover as of yet. I have believed for a long time if we could only see ourselves as God sees us we could do anything. Here is to trying to see myself as God sees myself and believe in myself as Gary used his final breathes to help me see myself. I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens  me :)