Limbo :(

Do You ever feel like your life is odley similar to the movie Groundhogs Dady?? You wake up every morning thinking life will go on but instead you have to go through the same mess day after day. That is what my life is getting to be like we are in this merry go round of emotions happy one minute then missing Daddy the next. None of us have felt 100% since August and life seems to keep slamming us. First the air conditioner, then a series of small things inside break then the tree on the car thing. We learned to not say whats next a long time ago but we still think it. We were all doing pretty good when we went to the Great wolf lodge. We got a chance to just have a little fun and we had some good one on one talks. But once we got back home and the realization that its Christmas time sort of ripped the scab of our heart and it has been hurting just as much as ever. Daddy was a HUGE part of Christmas he did everything with us now I am stuck trying to keep Christmas going and we are trying to figure out how we can rework our whole Christmas. The joy sure isnt in Christmas this year. We ended up purchasing a new tree and a bunch of new ornaments and we have been getting ornaments that represent our new family of 4. None of us want to forget about what was, there would be no way we ever could, but something simple like getting new ornaments helps us make sort of a line in the sand. We are heading to Disney for a couple of days next week I am hoping Mickey can induce some Christmas spirit in us cause right now we do not have any. We all Love the pagentry of celebrating Jesus birth and we will do that too at home and at church. The sad thing now is when I think of heaven all I can think is I want to go NOW I miss Gary so much. There is a line in a song that makes me cry everytime it says "If home is where my heart is than I am out of place". How can I be mom and dad to my girls, run my home, go back to school and start earning a little money next year how am I going to do that when I cant even get my heart in the right place. I am so praying that 2012 will bring some joy and prosperity for us all. I am not alone in my grief this year alone we as a church family have sent several babies and adults to reside in heaven. The girls and I tease pretty soon they will have a Christ the redeemer church heaven campus. That is being silly toward a sad sad fact so many people are in similar boats as me I just pray that clarity of purpose and strength beyond measure will come to all who have suffered this year.

ps The girls tell me I have finally gotten comfortable with saying that I am a widow. It is a big thing for me. When Gary first died and someone would do something for us they would say "God told us to care for widows and orphans" and it would just make me boil now I say thank you I desperatley needed your help :) so hey tiny stteps right ;-)