You’ve thought about it, talked about it, and done nothing about it. It’s time to get yourself up and get UR life on track to follow UR dream. Like the fleeting rainbow after the storm. During trials in our life’s when can get so caught up talking about the storms we are weathering or the damage they have done, that we don't see the rainbow that presents itself.

I am not sure where I saw this quote but I found it on one of those sticky notes on my computer. I will run across something and copy and paste it to one of those notes usually never to look at them again. This one struck me today for a banner for 2012. This is going to be a year like no other obviously most of all because of missing Gary but I have a feeling it is going to be like no other year. We camped out at the Valley of the shadow of death for two years it is time to go up the next mountain.
Happy Christmas to everyone and Happy almost New Year :)

Limbo :(

Do You ever feel like your life is odley similar to the movie Groundhogs Dady?? You wake up every morning thinking life will go on but instead you have to go through the same mess day after day. That is what my life is getting to be like we are in this merry go round of emotions happy one minute then missing Daddy the next. None of us have felt 100% since August and life seems to keep slamming us. First the air conditioner, then a series of small things inside break then the tree on the car thing. We learned to not say whats next a long time ago but we still think it. We were all doing pretty good when we went to the Great wolf lodge. We got a chance to just have a little fun and we had some good one on one talks. But once we got back home and the realization that its Christmas time sort of ripped the scab of our heart and it has been hurting just as much as ever. Daddy was a HUGE part of Christmas he did everything with us now I am stuck trying to keep Christmas going and we are trying to figure out how we can rework our whole Christmas. The joy sure isnt in Christmas this year. We ended up purchasing a new tree and a bunch of new ornaments and we have been getting ornaments that represent our new family of 4. None of us want to forget about what was, there would be no way we ever could, but something simple like getting new ornaments helps us make sort of a line in the sand. We are heading to Disney for a couple of days next week I am hoping Mickey can induce some Christmas spirit in us cause right now we do not have any. We all Love the pagentry of celebrating Jesus birth and we will do that too at home and at church. The sad thing now is when I think of heaven all I can think is I want to go NOW I miss Gary so much. There is a line in a song that makes me cry everytime it says "If home is where my heart is than I am out of place". How can I be mom and dad to my girls, run my home, go back to school and start earning a little money next year how am I going to do that when I cant even get my heart in the right place. I am so praying that 2012 will bring some joy and prosperity for us all. I am not alone in my grief this year alone we as a church family have sent several babies and adults to reside in heaven. The girls and I tease pretty soon they will have a Christ the redeemer church heaven campus. That is being silly toward a sad sad fact so many people are in similar boats as me I just pray that clarity of purpose and strength beyond measure will come to all who have suffered this year.

ps The girls tell me I have finally gotten comfortable with saying that I am a widow. It is a big thing for me. When Gary first died and someone would do something for us they would say "God told us to care for widows and orphans" and it would just make me boil now I say thank you I desperatley needed your help :) so hey tiny stteps right ;-)

All things NEW

The weekend before Thanksgiving we were getting ready to head out on our first really big vacation 2 weeks 3 hotels and about a billion miles ( okay not a billion) and what happened a TREE fell on our car. Yes you read that right a tree and we ended up letting insurance fix it and I bought a new one .I knew that this car wasn't going to last too much longer it was a 99 but I wasn't planing on spending the money and going through the mess of a new car purchase yet. True to the way God has been working we went from a Ford Expedition to a Honda Odyssey something completely different then before. The car is only the first of many things since Gary died that I have had to do differently it seems that slowly God is forcing me from the the things we had as a married couple and making me make decisions and changes that I have to to take ownership of . I may be over analyzing this but to me God is making me stand on my own two feet. I was always really horrible at decisions I would ALWAYS let Gary make the finale call on choices that affect the whole family. Now I don't have him I have to rely on myself and God to make choices and that is so super scary. It seems that God has put me in this really scary situation but has given me all the padding and security I need to GO FOR IT!! I am thirty eight years old and I have a blank slate I can go and do and be anything I want too be. I am now and will always be Mom to three amazing young ladies but the youngest will be in college in seven short years and it will be me alone. I sit and think holy mosses what am I gonna be when I grow up. Someone asked me if I could be anything in the world what would it be?? I have to turn of the "practical side" if I could do anything in the entire world what would it be. I took all those aptitude tests hoping that would lead me in the right direction but no joke my results where you could do anything other than an acceptance or a computer programmer. Gee thanks that doesn't help a bit it out ruled the only two jobs that would be the equivalent to a living hell for me. I love to do three things ,other than mom cause that is a given.
1) Help people. I love to help people in anyway. I get so fulfilled by helping teach someone a new skill or counsel someone or be the one who smiles at someone any kind of helping I love.
I am not sure how that is going to fit in my eventual career but it will be in the helps somehow.

2) Cake decorating I enjoy the creative process involved in cake decorating picking apart a design and putting it back together to help make a wonderful cake.
Starting in January I am going to amp my cake side business up and hopefully start supplementing my income a bit and not rely totally on social security and life insurance. I have been to unsure of myself before now to really put myself out there in any area I hate rejection but I have come to a place where if I am rejected what will happen. Nothing the sky won't fall life will not end I will try again the worse thing that will happen is I have a ton of stuff to bless other people with who can't afford cakes so it is a win win

3) My last big love is writing. I was told in college by my English teacher that I could be a writer one day but I better have a wonderful editor ( he knew me well). I blew him off because I did not have the self confidence to pursue something that is pretty much guaranteed to have rejection. I never really had the self confidence to do much. I always thought I am going to fail so why try well not anymore. I wrote for a homeschool newspaper for two years I wrote a fairly successful blog with my husband for two years and I have been published in other medical related newspapers in regards to my health issues, so now I can say I am a published writer I actually have enough stuff to make up a pretty descent portfolio. What do I have to loose? This next year I am going to dust off a children's music theory book I wrote a few years ago and see about publishing it I am almost done with an Advent devotional book. I am also in the process of turning our cancer blog into a book and a devotion book on grief. If God is for me who can be against me and if the things I write only serve to encourage one other person then they are totally worth it.

I say all this to ask that you all my friends and family hold me accountable if you see me slipping into my old ways of saying I am not good enough or I was stupid to even suggest I do this you have permission to smack me silly. I am determined to live out this life to make Gary and God proud of me. If I achieve earthly success yippee but the success I want is hearing well done good and faithful . Thank you all for walking with me through this recreation journey I could not d this without you.