Thanksgiving plans for us were sort of a bust this year. We had planned to go and eat with Gary's family and I wanted the girls to meet some relatives that they had never really met before. I was was anxious about going but I am anxious about even going to dinner with my side of the family not because anything is wrong with them it is just a reminder of who I do not have with me anymore.
Well all plans got pitched because I came down with a nasty chest cold. I spent most of Thanksgiving sleeping in a cough syrup induced coma. I did manage to take the girls out to a restaurant that night.
I was thinking it was going to be really busy but there was only two families in the whole restaurant. It kind of felt like a scene from an old movie (don't remember the movie just the scene) when a single Dad burned Christmas dinner and ended up eating at a Denny's with his disgusted children. That was us but I didn't even try to cook and my girls roll with the punches and they were stoked to be eating at their favorite restaurant.
While we waited for our food we did the traditional thing and asked each other what we were thankful for.
The thing I was most thankful for are my girls. They are the single biggest source of stress and worry in my life but they are also the biggest source of joy and laughter in my life. I really could not have asked for any better children.
Thanksgiving morning Merry decorated the tree for us and watched a how to video on making pancakes and after successfully making a stack of pancakes brought them to me in bed. She apologized for the food being simple but I was almost in tears, so touched that she would even think about doing such a sweet thing.
I call my girls the anti teens. I always heard that teens are withdrawn and don't want to be with their parent but not my chickens. I cant even potty without one of them hanging by the door chatting about what they want to be when they grow up or what is happening in their daydreams.
When their Daddy died I told them that we had to be a team if we were going to survive and a team is what we are. I am so grateful for them plus they are wickedly funny especially my little one. Little one has this ascorbic whit that keeps me rolling.
My Middle daughter has matured by leaps and bounds since her Dad died. She is sort of my Mommy 2 she helps keep her sisters in check and is often times my sounding board and encourager.
My eldest has had a tough year physically but she is always willing to jump in and help. She has such a sweet and willing heart.
I laid in bed this morning in between coughing fits and tried to think about other things that I am super grateful for this year. A lot of self realization has happened this year for me. I think the biggest thing that has happened is how I see myself. I used to tell Gary, "I have a lot of aquaintices but I don't think their is anyone who would really count me as a friend."
Gary would try and show me I was wrong but I never saw it. I think it really hit home when I was planning my 40th. I invited a bunch of people but honestly I would have been thrilled if one or two people came and I was preparing myself for no one coming. We had thirteen ladies there. I was this cross between stunned silent and giddy the whole night. I felt like Sally Field when she accepted her oscar. I couldn't get the smile off of my face for a week.
It felt so good to think that I have been a blind fool,I do have friends :) I guess I hide it well but I have a horrible problem with self worth and to think that thirteen ladies would give up an evening at home to come and help me celebrate it was was definitely something to be thankful for.
The other thing I am thankful for is new opportunities. I have dreamed for a long time about doing things and was petrified at the thought of even trying but this year I got to do them and now I am not so afraid of them anymore.
My writing weather it has been on fanfiction.net, in the Pv and Atlantic beach life magazine or in school. In September when I started writing I was terrified that I would suck and critics would come back and say something like, "God bless you you tried" or "Honey writing is not your gifting". My articles have been well received and my fanfiction site gets nearly twenty thousand hits a month.
I also got the chance to be on the radio. Realistically I am not sure if anyone really listens to me but I have had the opportunity to create, write, produce and voice my own radio show and I have had so much fun doing it. I hope that radio is apart of the big picture God is painting of my life right now.
For the first time in 5 years I am actually looking forward to the this next year. Looking forward to cultivating and appreciating friendships, looking forward to trying even more new things and looking forward to the new adventures that await the girls and I.
I am so thankful that God is watching out for me and nothing we ever face or go through is done alone.
I feel like I am starting to sound a little like a Hallmark movie but its all true. I guess I have existed in a constant state of numb the last few years. When Gary was battling cancer all my energy went into him and I wouldn't change a moment of any of the time I spent taking care of him. It was the hardest thing in my life and I felt like a part of me was dying with him but he died knowing he was loved and cherished and I think God I was able to give him that gift.
For probably the first 6 months after he passed it was just numb. I honestly didn't know what I was going to do with myself.
After I got over the first 6 months I got a fresh vision for what I was to do and I started back to school. Not only has school been good in respects for a future job but it has helped me start to expand my horizons.
I sit now with a term and a half left of school (stadium cheer) and I am so excited to soak up every opportunity that God has for me. Best of all my girls are excited about the future.
They are excited with the possibility of moving next year. None of us want to leave our church, friends and family but the idea of going somewhere where there is no sad memories only the opportunity to make fresh ones it is exciting.
I am thankful for this blog and the people who read it. Gary and I started the Cancer Blog the Schriver marathon as a way to keep family informed but soon it became written therapy for us. I hope you can see that this blog is the same for me now.
Some things that I ask you to be in prayer about. Our family insurance got canceled. I am trying to get the kids on medicaid but I also need to find some insurance for me. I have too many serious health issues to go long without coverage.
The other thing is in January I am going to really start putting myself out there for a job. There are so many things I would love to do but I don't want what is good I want what is perfect and ordained by God.
Thank you all for reading and if I dont post again before the new year please know that the girls and I wish for you the Merriest of Christmas's.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
I have really stunk at keeping up this Blog lately, I am sorry. The last few months I have been going through a lot of emotions and fighting with God over some stuff.
Back in August after leaving church I felt like God said, "How do you feel about moving?" That took me by surprise. From that moment that God put that thought in my head. The house and the area that had been giving me comfort began to almost smother me. I realized that I couldn't even sit in a parking lot around the corner without being barraged by painful memories.
God started my mind to wandering and I looked into several areas that were job hot spots for someone with a communication degree. I looked into Canada but it is Canada and I am a Florida girl. I would like to visit but I don't think I want to live there.
Then I looked at New York, again I really want to visit there especially at Christmas but live there? Nah. Then I looked at Los Angeles. I immediately blew that off, I am not a young skinny beautiful thing, I am not a person who will be a yes man to some self absorbed movie producer ( I know I am stereotyping big time. I am just trying to be honest here) and living in LA as a single mom with three teenage daughters 2000 miles away from any family, ah no.
My mind wouldn't leave California. One day on the way home from Church (Cathartic moments always happen on the way home from church) I randomly asked the girls, "So what would you think if I told you we were moving to California?" I was fully expecting wailing and gnashing of teeth but they all perked up and answered, "REALLY, when can we go?"
I rolled my eyes at God at that point because on the inside I was telling God that I could never rip the girls away from what they have known their entire life and put them in a situation where I was working full time and they were on their own in a strange place. They would never go for that. Turns out, they were feeling the same things I was feeling. The things that once brought us comfort were feeling more like weights around our neck keeping us from moving forward.
When I say moving forward I will NEVER forget Gary. He was my everything, when he died he took a good chunk of my heart with him. I also know that he wanted more than anything else for me to LIVE and use the gifts that God placed in me. His last real conversation with me was speaking over me what he felt like God was calling me to do and speaking a blessing over the man that God had to take his place has head of the house. He told me to that he saw me becoming a writer and sharing my story with groups and he told me that I had a cache of giftings inside of me that I haven't even begun to touch yet and God was going to birth those giftings out and it will be such an amazing surprise. He also spoke over tha man that would take his position as head of the house one day and said "May he be so loved by the girls that they want him to walk them down the isle" then he gave a blessing for my benefit to this unknown person. :)
Okay let me come back on track from my little bunny trail. California was always on my mind so I started for grins and giggles to look at apartments in LA. Nothing stuck my fancy at least not at the price I could comprehend paying. I could find a bunch for 10 million dollars but who couldn't :)
God led Cassie and I to a small town not to far outside of LA called Rancho Cucamonga (silly name). This is a small planned community at the base of the mountains. They even have their own youtube channel with there own theme song. One of the desires I had was an apartment in a gated community. I found one in Rancho with the bedrooms that we needed and the price we could afford. The community has family pizza nights where you can get pizzas at the main office, movie nights and even their very own Relay for Life. This place looks like it was created from my dream list of apartments.
The girls and I fell in love with the apartment and the community and the area around it. Before we knew it we were envisioning bringing visitors to the outside fireplace and they have all ready decorated their rooms. It was a perfect match for us.
Now comes the hard part finding a job and watching God meet the list of about a dozen things that will have to happen to be able to move. Our home will always be here, family is here and our church family is here but all of us feel like to continue to grow and move forward we have to make some drastic changes in our life.
The plan is to finish college this next summer and then look for a job and move us to California by fall of 2014. That is the plan we made, God's plans can be very different. I feel like this is a plan from God but I am open and so are the girls for anything that God may have for us. I do know that 2014 is a year of change for a lot of people. As we have contemplated change I have found many of my friends tell me that there is change on the horizon for them as well.
I was never a big fan of change. Since Gary died my whole life has been one big change. I am scared but I am also excited. I can picture Gary standing beside us cheering us on. I know that even if he was alive and God wanted me to move for my career he would pack up and move in a minute.
My career that leads me to the last point in this post. I spent a bunch of time while we were recently at Disney World thinking about a question Cassie asked me. She got frustrated with my wishy washy answers and asked me, "What do you want to do with your life, really want to do for a job?" Communications majors have a pretty wide range of job possibilities but what do I want. I managed to write out a list and a mission statement of exactly what I want. Now we have purpose, we have direction and a place to call home once we get there now we are waiting on the GO from God.
Oh and I have to update you all on my Radio show, I am up to SEVEN shows that all run about 90 minutes each. I have had so much FUN with this radio show. I cant tell you how cool it has been, I look forward to having them throughout the Christmas season. I also had someone recognize me for my writing in the Ponte Vedra and Atlantic beach living magazine. I had a smile on my face all day after that. Still finishing playing email tag with my publisher but the book will be out in 2014 as well. All these things that I always wished I could one day do I am doing them and I am so excited. I still struggle with almost paralyzing nerves but I have a lot of close friends that tell me to get over myself and go for it. It is so amazing to start to live out dreams. 2014 is going to hold so much for the girls and I.
I hope you weren't to shocked over this announcement. We as always covet your prayers. With great change comes great trials and great nerves. I don't want to miss one thing that God has for the girls and I because I am afraid. I want to be cautious and make right choices because hey it just isn't my life I will screw up here. I don't want fear to stop us from having all the blessings God has for us, I feel like he has put dreams inside of me and I cannot wait to see those dreams become our reality.
Life 2.0 it is a God thing ( the logo Merry came up with for us.)
Back in August after leaving church I felt like God said, "How do you feel about moving?" That took me by surprise. From that moment that God put that thought in my head. The house and the area that had been giving me comfort began to almost smother me. I realized that I couldn't even sit in a parking lot around the corner without being barraged by painful memories.
God started my mind to wandering and I looked into several areas that were job hot spots for someone with a communication degree. I looked into Canada but it is Canada and I am a Florida girl. I would like to visit but I don't think I want to live there.
Then I looked at New York, again I really want to visit there especially at Christmas but live there? Nah. Then I looked at Los Angeles. I immediately blew that off, I am not a young skinny beautiful thing, I am not a person who will be a yes man to some self absorbed movie producer ( I know I am stereotyping big time. I am just trying to be honest here) and living in LA as a single mom with three teenage daughters 2000 miles away from any family, ah no.
My mind wouldn't leave California. One day on the way home from Church (Cathartic moments always happen on the way home from church) I randomly asked the girls, "So what would you think if I told you we were moving to California?" I was fully expecting wailing and gnashing of teeth but they all perked up and answered, "REALLY, when can we go?"
I rolled my eyes at God at that point because on the inside I was telling God that I could never rip the girls away from what they have known their entire life and put them in a situation where I was working full time and they were on their own in a strange place. They would never go for that. Turns out, they were feeling the same things I was feeling. The things that once brought us comfort were feeling more like weights around our neck keeping us from moving forward.
When I say moving forward I will NEVER forget Gary. He was my everything, when he died he took a good chunk of my heart with him. I also know that he wanted more than anything else for me to LIVE and use the gifts that God placed in me. His last real conversation with me was speaking over me what he felt like God was calling me to do and speaking a blessing over the man that God had to take his place has head of the house. He told me to that he saw me becoming a writer and sharing my story with groups and he told me that I had a cache of giftings inside of me that I haven't even begun to touch yet and God was going to birth those giftings out and it will be such an amazing surprise. He also spoke over tha man that would take his position as head of the house one day and said "May he be so loved by the girls that they want him to walk them down the isle" then he gave a blessing for my benefit to this unknown person. :)
Okay let me come back on track from my little bunny trail. California was always on my mind so I started for grins and giggles to look at apartments in LA. Nothing stuck my fancy at least not at the price I could comprehend paying. I could find a bunch for 10 million dollars but who couldn't :)
God led Cassie and I to a small town not to far outside of LA called Rancho Cucamonga (silly name). This is a small planned community at the base of the mountains. They even have their own youtube channel with there own theme song. One of the desires I had was an apartment in a gated community. I found one in Rancho with the bedrooms that we needed and the price we could afford. The community has family pizza nights where you can get pizzas at the main office, movie nights and even their very own Relay for Life. This place looks like it was created from my dream list of apartments.
The girls and I fell in love with the apartment and the community and the area around it. Before we knew it we were envisioning bringing visitors to the outside fireplace and they have all ready decorated their rooms. It was a perfect match for us.
Now comes the hard part finding a job and watching God meet the list of about a dozen things that will have to happen to be able to move. Our home will always be here, family is here and our church family is here but all of us feel like to continue to grow and move forward we have to make some drastic changes in our life.
The plan is to finish college this next summer and then look for a job and move us to California by fall of 2014. That is the plan we made, God's plans can be very different. I feel like this is a plan from God but I am open and so are the girls for anything that God may have for us. I do know that 2014 is a year of change for a lot of people. As we have contemplated change I have found many of my friends tell me that there is change on the horizon for them as well.
I was never a big fan of change. Since Gary died my whole life has been one big change. I am scared but I am also excited. I can picture Gary standing beside us cheering us on. I know that even if he was alive and God wanted me to move for my career he would pack up and move in a minute.
My career that leads me to the last point in this post. I spent a bunch of time while we were recently at Disney World thinking about a question Cassie asked me. She got frustrated with my wishy washy answers and asked me, "What do you want to do with your life, really want to do for a job?" Communications majors have a pretty wide range of job possibilities but what do I want. I managed to write out a list and a mission statement of exactly what I want. Now we have purpose, we have direction and a place to call home once we get there now we are waiting on the GO from God.
Oh and I have to update you all on my Radio show, I am up to SEVEN shows that all run about 90 minutes each. I have had so much FUN with this radio show. I cant tell you how cool it has been, I look forward to having them throughout the Christmas season. I also had someone recognize me for my writing in the Ponte Vedra and Atlantic beach living magazine. I had a smile on my face all day after that. Still finishing playing email tag with my publisher but the book will be out in 2014 as well. All these things that I always wished I could one day do I am doing them and I am so excited. I still struggle with almost paralyzing nerves but I have a lot of close friends that tell me to get over myself and go for it. It is so amazing to start to live out dreams. 2014 is going to hold so much for the girls and I.
I hope you weren't to shocked over this announcement. We as always covet your prayers. With great change comes great trials and great nerves. I don't want to miss one thing that God has for the girls and I because I am afraid. I want to be cautious and make right choices because hey it just isn't my life I will screw up here. I don't want fear to stop us from having all the blessings God has for us, I feel like he has put dreams inside of me and I cannot wait to see those dreams become our reality.
Life 2.0 it is a God thing ( the logo Merry came up with for us.)
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Believing in my self.
There are a few people in my life that I can go to that I absolutely trust. Tonight I went to that person in my life and talked to them about some significant life changes that the girls and I feel are God ordained.
The desperate person in my mind would love for someone to come and confirm that yes I did hear God right and if you follow through with this you wont screw you and your kids life up forever.
This person is wise enough not to do that for me. Instead he made me think for myself. At first he said it was hard to learn to believe that God would provide and I agreed with him at first but then I caught myself. I don't worry about that one bit. Well okay a little, but it isn't a driving fear.
While Gary was ill God provided in such miraculous ways it isn't that hard anymore to believe that God can do some crazy stuff. I told him I don't doubt God's provision one bit. The next thing he said hit my issue right on the head.
You need to learn to believe in yourself. Even the girls in the car on the way home told me, "Mom, when are you going to realize the only person that doesn't believe in you is you."
I spent the entire car ride home going round and round in my head with God over the fact that I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I can make a career for myself. I don't trust that I deserve and that I am talented enough to fulfill the dreams that he has placed in me. I don't trust that I will not fail and fall flat on my face. I don't trust that I will not screw my girls life up and they will end up hating me for it.
God reminded me the last time I hemmed and hawed about a decision that he called me to make. He told me to replace my Expedition. I loved that car and I didn't really want to trade it in so I kept putting it off till one day God just about yelled at me to do what he told me to do and I said, "No God not right now."
Can I give you a small piece of advice. Do NOT tell God No not right now. We got home and went into the house and a half an hour later we heard a loud BANG and the girl next door rang our door bell and reported, "Ms. Schriver, I think you need to come outside a tree fell on your car." Oh and I forgot to mention we were going on a 2 week vacation the next day.
I swear I could hear God snicker and tell me, "Told you not to wait." With the help of an amazing father in law I bought a used Honda Van (cannot even begin to spell the name of it) and went on vacation while the insurance fixed the Expedition and I was able to sell it at a good price and blessed a couple with it.
That made me move a little quicker when God tells me to do something.
Back to now. God told me in the car, "If you are acting in obedience to what you believe I am telling you to do and you go after it with all your heart, no matter if you heard me incorrectly at the beginning or not I will bless your effort to obey my calling. If you did hear me right then the blessings will still come."
He reminded me that this time is the beginning of Life 2.0 for the girls and I. I am going to mess up a lot but I am also going to do a lot right and the girls will grow up and start careers and families of their own.
The motivation behind my life choices right now are simple. I want everything God has for me. I don't want to limit God and limit what he can do through me.
Gary spoke over me before he died that he saw me as an author and teacher like Beth Moore. Do I believe in myself enough to do that. Um no but I believe in a God who likes to take the foolish things of this earth and confound the wise with them and I totally qualify as a foolish thing.
The last thing the person I spoke with tonight said to me is when you finally believe in yourself and what God called you to do stop talking and seeking approval from other people.
Did I mention that this guy has an uncanny knack to find the exact root of the problem and put his thumb on it. I cant help it. I am a people pleaser I want you to be happy with me and love me and stand with me and be a cheerleader to me, if someone says something against me about something I shut down and begin to doubt myself in big ways.
God is calling me and all of us really to allow God to be our cheerleader and encourager. It doesn't matter if the world is against you if God if for you than you have all ready won.
I feel better. Thank God for amazing friends in my life. Friends that do not have a problem with telling me like it is. I tease this person that he could tell someone to go to hell and they would thank him. That is how good this guy is ;)
Life is scary but God is bigger than it all. When I get to heaven I don't want to have missed one opportunity that he had for me. I was blessed with an amazing man that was the most wonderful amazing husband a girl could ask for. I have been blessed with three amazing girls that I get to have the privilege to watch and grow and plant seeds in them that will one day bloom and spread out over the world.
I want to be an example to them that it is okay to have a dream and it is okay to work for that dream.
I want to get to heaven in about 60 years and have God tell me well done good and faithful servant you lived your life to the very max and I am proud of you.
The desperate person in my mind would love for someone to come and confirm that yes I did hear God right and if you follow through with this you wont screw you and your kids life up forever.
This person is wise enough not to do that for me. Instead he made me think for myself. At first he said it was hard to learn to believe that God would provide and I agreed with him at first but then I caught myself. I don't worry about that one bit. Well okay a little, but it isn't a driving fear.
While Gary was ill God provided in such miraculous ways it isn't that hard anymore to believe that God can do some crazy stuff. I told him I don't doubt God's provision one bit. The next thing he said hit my issue right on the head.
You need to learn to believe in yourself. Even the girls in the car on the way home told me, "Mom, when are you going to realize the only person that doesn't believe in you is you."
I spent the entire car ride home going round and round in my head with God over the fact that I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I can make a career for myself. I don't trust that I deserve and that I am talented enough to fulfill the dreams that he has placed in me. I don't trust that I will not fail and fall flat on my face. I don't trust that I will not screw my girls life up and they will end up hating me for it.
God reminded me the last time I hemmed and hawed about a decision that he called me to make. He told me to replace my Expedition. I loved that car and I didn't really want to trade it in so I kept putting it off till one day God just about yelled at me to do what he told me to do and I said, "No God not right now."
Can I give you a small piece of advice. Do NOT tell God No not right now. We got home and went into the house and a half an hour later we heard a loud BANG and the girl next door rang our door bell and reported, "Ms. Schriver, I think you need to come outside a tree fell on your car." Oh and I forgot to mention we were going on a 2 week vacation the next day.
I swear I could hear God snicker and tell me, "Told you not to wait." With the help of an amazing father in law I bought a used Honda Van (cannot even begin to spell the name of it) and went on vacation while the insurance fixed the Expedition and I was able to sell it at a good price and blessed a couple with it.
That made me move a little quicker when God tells me to do something.
Back to now. God told me in the car, "If you are acting in obedience to what you believe I am telling you to do and you go after it with all your heart, no matter if you heard me incorrectly at the beginning or not I will bless your effort to obey my calling. If you did hear me right then the blessings will still come."
He reminded me that this time is the beginning of Life 2.0 for the girls and I. I am going to mess up a lot but I am also going to do a lot right and the girls will grow up and start careers and families of their own.
The motivation behind my life choices right now are simple. I want everything God has for me. I don't want to limit God and limit what he can do through me.
Gary spoke over me before he died that he saw me as an author and teacher like Beth Moore. Do I believe in myself enough to do that. Um no but I believe in a God who likes to take the foolish things of this earth and confound the wise with them and I totally qualify as a foolish thing.
The last thing the person I spoke with tonight said to me is when you finally believe in yourself and what God called you to do stop talking and seeking approval from other people.
Did I mention that this guy has an uncanny knack to find the exact root of the problem and put his thumb on it. I cant help it. I am a people pleaser I want you to be happy with me and love me and stand with me and be a cheerleader to me, if someone says something against me about something I shut down and begin to doubt myself in big ways.
God is calling me and all of us really to allow God to be our cheerleader and encourager. It doesn't matter if the world is against you if God if for you than you have all ready won.
I feel better. Thank God for amazing friends in my life. Friends that do not have a problem with telling me like it is. I tease this person that he could tell someone to go to hell and they would thank him. That is how good this guy is ;)
Life is scary but God is bigger than it all. When I get to heaven I don't want to have missed one opportunity that he had for me. I was blessed with an amazing man that was the most wonderful amazing husband a girl could ask for. I have been blessed with three amazing girls that I get to have the privilege to watch and grow and plant seeds in them that will one day bloom and spread out over the world.
I want to be an example to them that it is okay to have a dream and it is okay to work for that dream.
I want to get to heaven in about 60 years and have God tell me well done good and faithful servant you lived your life to the very max and I am proud of you.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Schooled by my 14-year-old
I am writing this at 3 in the morning so I am not sure what this will look like. I have been trying to proof my posts and make them as neat as possible but it is late so be merciful.
Since Gary's death the girls have taken on certain aspects of life that Gary handled. Stuff like killing bugs and taking out the trash is Annie. Computer stuff is handled by Merry and the occasional heart to heart to encourage is being handled by Cassie.
Tonight was one of those nights. Cassie is so funny when Gary died she was PISSED at me (I know that is not a nice word but it is appropriate for how much she hated me) I honestly spent many hours praying not to loose her. I would beg God to let Gary come and give her a talking too.
Well tonight we had a heart to heart. We have been discussing as a family our plans for the future. She asked me if I had heard any direction from God lately (how cool is that for your kid to ask that) and I was honest, I told her that I felt like God told me to pray specifically.
Pray for what I want to happen. I told her that is kinda the problem I am not really sure if God came down and gave me a blank check for the next five years what I would ask him for.
I told her that I long for a relationship again but I know that is not what God wants from me right now.
I told her part of me wishes I could just go back to being a wife and mom again and not worry about careers or paying bills. I know that God wants me to figure out who I am and what I can become with God's help before I become anyone else's wife again.
I told her that I wished I would have taken time after high school to figure these things out but the allure of becoming Mrs. Gary Schriver was too much (I am not a patient person).
This part is where she blew me away. I told her that I am grateful I didn't wait though because Gary was instrumental in molding me into the person I am today and that person might just be able to make this new life work, with Gods help.
She told me that I can't give Daddy all the credit for molding me, he did work hard in molding and developing me but she said all of his work would have been for nothing if I didn't allow myself to grow and be changed. She told me I should be proud of myself because alot lumps try to get made into something beautiful but they don't let the sculptor work.
She hit on the real issue in my heart. I know what I desire for our life in the next 5 years but honestly I don't think I deserve the things I want.
I always thought I did good work because Gary was behind me. Cassie told me that yeah Daddy (Gary) helped alot but he didn't do that stuff for you he was just your cheerleader and he still is.
Out of the mouths of babes. Now I am going to spend the weekend making a list of my hearts desires for the next 5 years and we will see what happens.
I did one of those lists for my future husband and God answered every single one of the requests down to feet bigger than mine.
Since Gary's death the girls have taken on certain aspects of life that Gary handled. Stuff like killing bugs and taking out the trash is Annie. Computer stuff is handled by Merry and the occasional heart to heart to encourage is being handled by Cassie.
Tonight was one of those nights. Cassie is so funny when Gary died she was PISSED at me (I know that is not a nice word but it is appropriate for how much she hated me) I honestly spent many hours praying not to loose her. I would beg God to let Gary come and give her a talking too.
Well tonight we had a heart to heart. We have been discussing as a family our plans for the future. She asked me if I had heard any direction from God lately (how cool is that for your kid to ask that) and I was honest, I told her that I felt like God told me to pray specifically.
Pray for what I want to happen. I told her that is kinda the problem I am not really sure if God came down and gave me a blank check for the next five years what I would ask him for.
I told her that I long for a relationship again but I know that is not what God wants from me right now.
I told her part of me wishes I could just go back to being a wife and mom again and not worry about careers or paying bills. I know that God wants me to figure out who I am and what I can become with God's help before I become anyone else's wife again.
I told her that I wished I would have taken time after high school to figure these things out but the allure of becoming Mrs. Gary Schriver was too much (I am not a patient person).
This part is where she blew me away. I told her that I am grateful I didn't wait though because Gary was instrumental in molding me into the person I am today and that person might just be able to make this new life work, with Gods help.
She told me that I can't give Daddy all the credit for molding me, he did work hard in molding and developing me but she said all of his work would have been for nothing if I didn't allow myself to grow and be changed. She told me I should be proud of myself because alot lumps try to get made into something beautiful but they don't let the sculptor work.
She hit on the real issue in my heart. I know what I desire for our life in the next 5 years but honestly I don't think I deserve the things I want.
I always thought I did good work because Gary was behind me. Cassie told me that yeah Daddy (Gary) helped alot but he didn't do that stuff for you he was just your cheerleader and he still is.
Out of the mouths of babes. Now I am going to spend the weekend making a list of my hearts desires for the next 5 years and we will see what happens.
I did one of those lists for my future husband and God answered every single one of the requests down to feet bigger than mine.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Specters of the past and the Threshold of Change..
Been thinking a lot about the past and the future lately. The girls and I about to hit the two year mark since we lost Gary/Daddy. Two years seems like it went by in a flash and took ten years all at the same time.
I have come to an unfortunate realization that the girls do not remember much about their Daddy before cancer destroyed our lives and took his. I will live the rest of my days trying remind them of the incredible father that they had.
It is kind of sad that while my girls cant remember the past I cant seem to forget it. Everywhere I turn there are specters from the past. Church is one of them. I have gone to CRC for 20 years and I don't have the desire to go anywhere else. I love my church and the new leadership that just took over excites me about the church's future. My issues are those darn specters of the past. I can't go to sunday service without seeing Gary standing on stage in his faded black pants and worn leather belt and his too big for him "Choir"shirt
It is kind of sad that while my girls cant remember the past I cant seem to forget it. Everywhere I turn there are specters from the past. Church is one of them. I have gone to CRC for 20 years and I don't have the desire to go anywhere else. I love my church and the new leadership that just took over excites me about the church's future. My issues are those darn specters of the past. I can't go to sunday service without seeing Gary standing on stage in his faded black pants and worn leather belt and his too big for him "Choir"shirt
They have been asking me lately if I am going to start dating again soon since it has been two years. I told them I am not trying but I wouldn't not date if I ever had the chance too. I asked them if I ever remarried what qualities would you want in a 2nd husband/step Dad. You know what they said. I just about cried from the sweetness of their hearts when they told me what they are praying for in a step Dad,
1) Someone who would take them on summer mission trips every summer
and
2) Someone who they would like enough to ask them to walk them down the isle.
I adore my babies and their sweet hearts. They are such amazing blessings to me. When I was at my deepest depression in the past two years they were the ones that kept me moving forward. The desire to make them proud of their mommy got me back in school and gave me reasons to wake up every morning.
Last week I was in Church and the pastor talked about having a dream about the Church being at the threshold of thresholds or the start of something new. God just screamed into my spirit that my little family is at the threshold of thresholds. What that is going to mean for us I am not a 100% sure yet.
I really wish God would come down and give the cliff note version of what life is going to hold for us in the next few years. I would feel so much better about the future if I could get a run down of what job I will hold, if the kids get into a descent college, where we will live. I guess none of us get that kind of special treatment from God do we.
Everything that I was and everything that I found my identity in is now gone and to be honest I am fearful that I am not going to be good enough or brave enough to fulfill the things God has for me. I am not even sure if I trust my own judgment when it comes to my future.
I remember when I began this journey of self realization while Gary was alive. I feel like I got pretty clear direction from God about where my professional life was going to go I couldn't or maybe wouldn't believe what I felt God say and I came to Gary with it fully expecting him to agree with my doubts but he didn't. He smiled this huge smile and said, "I was wondering how long it would take you to figure this out."
As we approach the two year mark and we look into an ever changing future I ask you to keep us in your prayers. My faith issues aren't with God he has proven himself to me over the last 4 years. God has made ways for our family when their was no other way, literally. The miracles that I have seen God do in our family would make a great book (hint hint for upcoming life events).
I need to find faith in myself, faith that God can use me to accomplish things. I need to be confidant in who I am and what God sees in me. I have always struggled with feeling worthy. I look into the faces of my girls and I worry that I wont be good enough to provide for them. I am the Queen of self doubt.
I want everything that God has for our little family and I don't want a lifetime of fear and self doubt stand in the way of getting it. I don't want to get by I want to flourish. I want to get to heaven and hear well done.
In short as we hit the two year mark I need to throw off the grave clothes and begin to live my life in the way Gary wanted me to live my life. Some of his last words to me were not to be afraid.
This past weekend I asked God to speak to me. I told God I know you aren't going to give me the details but I need to hear form you about our future and he used two instances to say pretty much the same thing to me.
Thank God he knows I am really hard headed and need him to repeat himself the first came in the words spoken by Paul Wilbur (who was Gary's absolutely favorite worship leader) at the beginning of his message to us at church.
The second came in the word of the day from KLOVE that came to my email that afternoon.
This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again!
~ Ezekiel 37:5, NLT
The video of the Paul Wilbur message can be seen at http://www.redeemerfamily.tv/messages/2013/07-21-13/video.html
Both said the same thing to me. For four years we have either lived in the midst of Cancer slowly taking Gary from us or we have been mourning him and the life that we had with him. God graciously allowed us the freedom and provision to mourn Gary without worry. Now the time for mourning is done and life has to begin again.
1) Someone who would take them on summer mission trips every summer
and
2) Someone who they would like enough to ask them to walk them down the isle.
I adore my babies and their sweet hearts. They are such amazing blessings to me. When I was at my deepest depression in the past two years they were the ones that kept me moving forward. The desire to make them proud of their mommy got me back in school and gave me reasons to wake up every morning.
Last week I was in Church and the pastor talked about having a dream about the Church being at the threshold of thresholds or the start of something new. God just screamed into my spirit that my little family is at the threshold of thresholds. What that is going to mean for us I am not a 100% sure yet.
I really wish God would come down and give the cliff note version of what life is going to hold for us in the next few years. I would feel so much better about the future if I could get a run down of what job I will hold, if the kids get into a descent college, where we will live. I guess none of us get that kind of special treatment from God do we.
Everything that I was and everything that I found my identity in is now gone and to be honest I am fearful that I am not going to be good enough or brave enough to fulfill the things God has for me. I am not even sure if I trust my own judgment when it comes to my future.
I remember when I began this journey of self realization while Gary was alive. I feel like I got pretty clear direction from God about where my professional life was going to go I couldn't or maybe wouldn't believe what I felt God say and I came to Gary with it fully expecting him to agree with my doubts but he didn't. He smiled this huge smile and said, "I was wondering how long it would take you to figure this out."
As we approach the two year mark and we look into an ever changing future I ask you to keep us in your prayers. My faith issues aren't with God he has proven himself to me over the last 4 years. God has made ways for our family when their was no other way, literally. The miracles that I have seen God do in our family would make a great book (hint hint for upcoming life events).
I need to find faith in myself, faith that God can use me to accomplish things. I need to be confidant in who I am and what God sees in me. I have always struggled with feeling worthy. I look into the faces of my girls and I worry that I wont be good enough to provide for them. I am the Queen of self doubt.
I want everything that God has for our little family and I don't want a lifetime of fear and self doubt stand in the way of getting it. I don't want to get by I want to flourish. I want to get to heaven and hear well done.
In short as we hit the two year mark I need to throw off the grave clothes and begin to live my life in the way Gary wanted me to live my life. Some of his last words to me were not to be afraid.
This past weekend I asked God to speak to me. I told God I know you aren't going to give me the details but I need to hear form you about our future and he used two instances to say pretty much the same thing to me.
Thank God he knows I am really hard headed and need him to repeat himself the first came in the words spoken by Paul Wilbur (who was Gary's absolutely favorite worship leader) at the beginning of his message to us at church.
The second came in the word of the day from KLOVE that came to my email that afternoon.
This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again!
~ Ezekiel 37:5, NLT
The video of the Paul Wilbur message can be seen at http://www.redeemerfamily.tv/messages/2013/07-21-13/video.html
Both said the same thing to me. For four years we have either lived in the midst of Cancer slowly taking Gary from us or we have been mourning him and the life that we had with him. God graciously allowed us the freedom and provision to mourn Gary without worry. Now the time for mourning is done and life has to begin again.
Monday, May 27, 2013
A Legacy
I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about families and legacies. My in laws celebrated 50 years of marriage this past weekend. At the dinner celebrating their anniversary I thought alot about family legacy and dynamics.
In one room was The matriarch of the family Margaret Mercer. I don't think anyone that meets her,would argue she is one of the most godly women on this planet. She is genuine and loving and would do anything in the world for you. Well until you mess with one of her kids or grandkids then she is a feisty little thing.
She accepted me as a Granddaughter immediately. I will never forget at my lingerie shower she was the one who gave me the naughtiest nighty.
When Gary died she was the first person that talked to me as one widow to another and that gave me this amazing sense of belonging.
She is a neat lady she grew up in the depression so she tends not to throw much away. Gary would smile when we visited because he would find a card that he made her from elementary school. She adores her family and it shows.
Then there were Gary's parents still going strong after 50 years of marriage. In todays world 50 is a reason to celebrate.
They spent their lives pouring into their boys that started to arrive not too long into their marriage. Dad worked tirelessly to financially provide and his Mom stayed home and raised the boys. They decided that Mom needed to be there when the boys came home from school and be available to be room mother and such.
They took family vacations and made sure they all connected around the dinner table. When the boys moved out Mom would make hand written recipe boxes for the boys and Dad got Gary a tool box with the basics in it. They led by example of how to love your spouse and your kids.
Gary laughed that there was even times when Dad would look at the boys and say, "This is how you DON'T be a husband or Dad" They had three boys who all turned out to be professional men with wonderful families of their own. Two computer programmers and a Vice Principal.
Gary took the lessons he learned from his parents and developed into an amazing partner and Father. So amazing I cannot fathom ever marrying another man because no one would even compare with him. My girls have a picture in their head of what kind of man they want to marry because of their Daddy. Knowing they are going to hold out to find a man as wonderful as their Daddy makes me want to hug and all the people that influenced him.
As a Mom I do the best that I can and hope the therapy bills wont add up to too much. Reality wise sometimes I feel like I am making zero progress and will undoubtedly screw my children up for life. I look at the complete picture of the Schriver-Mercer family and I see a bunch of imperfect people putting in a hundred percent of love and the end result has been a legacy that will love on well past any of us. The things that as a parent we worry about most are not that important in the long run.
I know my girls will remember the trip to the dollar store in Great Grandma's car for the rest of their lives. I know I will remember not having two nickels to rub together and Grandma Mercer taking us out to lunch when we visited.
I will remember just about dropping from exhaustion and Gary's mom camping out in his room for a night so I could get more than an hour sleep.
How Dad brought Gary over to the house without me and sat him down and promised to look after the girls and I in case the worst and then keeping his promise.
Having the privilege of seeing the big picture in the Schrivers made me appreciate my parents as well. It makes me sad to think that my kids did not get to meet their Great Grands on my side of the family. They were a colorful bunch.
But on Memorial Day I think back on my Dad who worked the last few months of his life getting all the paperwork together to be buried in Arlington. He told me that if nothing else his Grandkids and Great grandkids can visit Arlington with school or on vacation and be proud to tell their friends that they have a Grandfather buried here, it will give them a legacy to be proud of. That conversation is why my sister and I worked so hard for my brother to be buried there as well.
Families are not perfect and they take many shapes and sizes but it is such an amazing thing to see how God can take a Man and a Woman and turn their love into a legacy that lasts a lot longer then they will.
I smile to think of families in my Church. This year will be my 20th year at my church (I feel old now).I first knew the Grandparents and Parents of the family and then watched their children grow form children to teens to adults now with their own families. I got to witness parents who weeped over children who began to stray then got to celebrate when those children came back and now are amazing adults.
God is so amazing to grant us the privilege of being able to influence generations. Max Lucado compared our lives to Haley's comet. We are unique and only come along once in a lifetime and we make an indelible mark our surroundings.
I am in the middle of redefining myself and what it is to be a family for my girls. I hope that as God walks me through the redefinition of who I am our family unit will be redefined as well and the amazing legacy that began a hundred years ago with Godly people leading simple lives and loving their families will last far past the time I am long gone.
Happy Memorial Day..
In one room was The matriarch of the family Margaret Mercer. I don't think anyone that meets her,would argue she is one of the most godly women on this planet. She is genuine and loving and would do anything in the world for you. Well until you mess with one of her kids or grandkids then she is a feisty little thing.
She accepted me as a Granddaughter immediately. I will never forget at my lingerie shower she was the one who gave me the naughtiest nighty.
When Gary died she was the first person that talked to me as one widow to another and that gave me this amazing sense of belonging.
She is a neat lady she grew up in the depression so she tends not to throw much away. Gary would smile when we visited because he would find a card that he made her from elementary school. She adores her family and it shows.
Then there were Gary's parents still going strong after 50 years of marriage. In todays world 50 is a reason to celebrate.
They spent their lives pouring into their boys that started to arrive not too long into their marriage. Dad worked tirelessly to financially provide and his Mom stayed home and raised the boys. They decided that Mom needed to be there when the boys came home from school and be available to be room mother and such.
They took family vacations and made sure they all connected around the dinner table. When the boys moved out Mom would make hand written recipe boxes for the boys and Dad got Gary a tool box with the basics in it. They led by example of how to love your spouse and your kids.
Gary laughed that there was even times when Dad would look at the boys and say, "This is how you DON'T be a husband or Dad" They had three boys who all turned out to be professional men with wonderful families of their own. Two computer programmers and a Vice Principal.
Gary took the lessons he learned from his parents and developed into an amazing partner and Father. So amazing I cannot fathom ever marrying another man because no one would even compare with him. My girls have a picture in their head of what kind of man they want to marry because of their Daddy. Knowing they are going to hold out to find a man as wonderful as their Daddy makes me want to hug and all the people that influenced him.
As a Mom I do the best that I can and hope the therapy bills wont add up to too much. Reality wise sometimes I feel like I am making zero progress and will undoubtedly screw my children up for life. I look at the complete picture of the Schriver-Mercer family and I see a bunch of imperfect people putting in a hundred percent of love and the end result has been a legacy that will love on well past any of us. The things that as a parent we worry about most are not that important in the long run.
I know my girls will remember the trip to the dollar store in Great Grandma's car for the rest of their lives. I know I will remember not having two nickels to rub together and Grandma Mercer taking us out to lunch when we visited.
I will remember just about dropping from exhaustion and Gary's mom camping out in his room for a night so I could get more than an hour sleep.
How Dad brought Gary over to the house without me and sat him down and promised to look after the girls and I in case the worst and then keeping his promise.
Having the privilege of seeing the big picture in the Schrivers made me appreciate my parents as well. It makes me sad to think that my kids did not get to meet their Great Grands on my side of the family. They were a colorful bunch.
But on Memorial Day I think back on my Dad who worked the last few months of his life getting all the paperwork together to be buried in Arlington. He told me that if nothing else his Grandkids and Great grandkids can visit Arlington with school or on vacation and be proud to tell their friends that they have a Grandfather buried here, it will give them a legacy to be proud of. That conversation is why my sister and I worked so hard for my brother to be buried there as well.
Families are not perfect and they take many shapes and sizes but it is such an amazing thing to see how God can take a Man and a Woman and turn their love into a legacy that lasts a lot longer then they will.
I smile to think of families in my Church. This year will be my 20th year at my church (I feel old now).I first knew the Grandparents and Parents of the family and then watched their children grow form children to teens to adults now with their own families. I got to witness parents who weeped over children who began to stray then got to celebrate when those children came back and now are amazing adults.
God is so amazing to grant us the privilege of being able to influence generations. Max Lucado compared our lives to Haley's comet. We are unique and only come along once in a lifetime and we make an indelible mark our surroundings.
I am in the middle of redefining myself and what it is to be a family for my girls. I hope that as God walks me through the redefinition of who I am our family unit will be redefined as well and the amazing legacy that began a hundred years ago with Godly people leading simple lives and loving their families will last far past the time I am long gone.
Happy Memorial Day..
Saturday, April 27, 2013
My eldest turns 16
After a year and a half the bitter sting of loosing Gary is starting to fade a little. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. All I have to do is look into the faces of my girls and I am reminded of the man that holds the other half of their genetic make up.
It is days like tomorrow when we celebrate my eldest 16th birthday that I miss Gary most. Birthdays were always so special to him. They were days to celebrate the person and let that person know how much they are loved. He would always take the girls out and let them pick out their cake and pick out a present.
He had big aspirations for each girls sweet 16.
He wanted to have a blessing for each of the girls when they hit 16. Sort of like a bat mitzvah he wanted to take time on their 16th to bless them with the things that he wanted for them as they begin the process of leaving childhood and entering adulthood.
We are going to do something similar to what he wanted. I am going to have a book and pen out at the party and I am going to ask all the family and friends to write out a wish that they have for Annie as she begins the steep uphill journey to adulthood.
Thankfully, the basics I would want for my girls are there in them all ready. Each one of them loves God and desires to serve him in their life. They know the value of prayer and they have the faith (through the example of the last 3 years) that God is a miracle working God and he is watching out for them. They know what is important to look for in a mate and they have no interest in boys right now other than the casual appreciation of a particularly fine specimen. They see that all those years of mommy and daddy telling them to get a degree in something before you are married is not bad advice as they watch me struggle through getting a degree at almost 40.
I hope for Annie and the others is that they would grow up feeling loved and cherished by their father, me and the strain of the last 3 and a half years will not wear their souls down.
We are still living in a very uncertain place. When Gary was alive they had security. Daddy worked to earn money for us, mommy stayed home and took care of us and got in trouble for spending the money that Daddy made to quickly. Now none of us are sure what tomorrow is going to hold. In a way it is exciting for us all to dream about possibilities of the future but the fear of the unknown is still there and it is really scary.
All of this rambling to say as my eldest turns 16 this year and my baby will be 13 in the fall I am thrilled at the place my girls are in. They have survived things that would kill some people. You know I share a lot but I don't share everything. They went through more and saw more with Gary's illness than any child or adult should ever have to experience and that is with me acting as shield for the really bad stuff.
They have some cracked edges and trips through a therapist office may or may not be in our future but the people that those girls are make a momma proud. They have their issues and their quirks (don't we all) but their fabric is beautiful. I worried when they were babies that my children would be those awful kids that drank and smoked and slept around. My girls cant be farther from that.
They actually got upset with themselves the other day that they aren't like the stereotypical teenager. I had to laugh and thank God they were nothing like MTV says a teenager should be.
There are days when the ever changing emotional outburst of teenage girls make me want to slowly smother them but I know that this phase will pass and if the worst thing I have to deal with is my youngest telling me I am a horrible mother in a fit of rage then I can deal with that. Maybe, hopefully.
Anne Elizabeth, Cassidy Margaret and Merry Caroline. You make your mom and your dad so proud of the young women you all have become. You all have made it through more in your young lives then your Daddy and I ever wanted to put you through but I think it made you guys stronger. I know each one of you will do some amazing things one day. You all are amazing people and it is an honor to know you all and an extreme pleasure for you all to call me mom or woman (inside joke)
I know your Daddy would be so proud of each of you and Annie as you celebrate your 16th birthday tomorrow I know Daddy will be looking down and smiling at you.
It is days like tomorrow when we celebrate my eldest 16th birthday that I miss Gary most. Birthdays were always so special to him. They were days to celebrate the person and let that person know how much they are loved. He would always take the girls out and let them pick out their cake and pick out a present.
He had big aspirations for each girls sweet 16.
He wanted to have a blessing for each of the girls when they hit 16. Sort of like a bat mitzvah he wanted to take time on their 16th to bless them with the things that he wanted for them as they begin the process of leaving childhood and entering adulthood.
We are going to do something similar to what he wanted. I am going to have a book and pen out at the party and I am going to ask all the family and friends to write out a wish that they have for Annie as she begins the steep uphill journey to adulthood.
Thankfully, the basics I would want for my girls are there in them all ready. Each one of them loves God and desires to serve him in their life. They know the value of prayer and they have the faith (through the example of the last 3 years) that God is a miracle working God and he is watching out for them. They know what is important to look for in a mate and they have no interest in boys right now other than the casual appreciation of a particularly fine specimen. They see that all those years of mommy and daddy telling them to get a degree in something before you are married is not bad advice as they watch me struggle through getting a degree at almost 40.
I hope for Annie and the others is that they would grow up feeling loved and cherished by their father, me and the strain of the last 3 and a half years will not wear their souls down.
We are still living in a very uncertain place. When Gary was alive they had security. Daddy worked to earn money for us, mommy stayed home and took care of us and got in trouble for spending the money that Daddy made to quickly. Now none of us are sure what tomorrow is going to hold. In a way it is exciting for us all to dream about possibilities of the future but the fear of the unknown is still there and it is really scary.
All of this rambling to say as my eldest turns 16 this year and my baby will be 13 in the fall I am thrilled at the place my girls are in. They have survived things that would kill some people. You know I share a lot but I don't share everything. They went through more and saw more with Gary's illness than any child or adult should ever have to experience and that is with me acting as shield for the really bad stuff.
They have some cracked edges and trips through a therapist office may or may not be in our future but the people that those girls are make a momma proud. They have their issues and their quirks (don't we all) but their fabric is beautiful. I worried when they were babies that my children would be those awful kids that drank and smoked and slept around. My girls cant be farther from that.
They actually got upset with themselves the other day that they aren't like the stereotypical teenager. I had to laugh and thank God they were nothing like MTV says a teenager should be.
There are days when the ever changing emotional outburst of teenage girls make me want to slowly smother them but I know that this phase will pass and if the worst thing I have to deal with is my youngest telling me I am a horrible mother in a fit of rage then I can deal with that. Maybe, hopefully.
Anne Elizabeth, Cassidy Margaret and Merry Caroline. You make your mom and your dad so proud of the young women you all have become. You all have made it through more in your young lives then your Daddy and I ever wanted to put you through but I think it made you guys stronger. I know each one of you will do some amazing things one day. You all are amazing people and it is an honor to know you all and an extreme pleasure for you all to call me mom or woman (inside joke)
I know your Daddy would be so proud of each of you and Annie as you celebrate your 16th birthday tomorrow I know Daddy will be looking down and smiling at you.
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