My eldest turns 16

After a year and a half the bitter sting of loosing Gary is starting to fade a little. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. All I have to do is look into the faces of my girls and I am reminded of the man that holds the other half of their genetic make up.

It is days like tomorrow when we celebrate my eldest 16th birthday that I miss Gary most. Birthdays were always so special to him. They were days to celebrate the person and let that person know how much they are loved. He would always take the girls out and let them pick out their cake and pick out a present.

He had big aspirations for each girls sweet 16.
He wanted to have a blessing for each of the girls when they hit 16. Sort of like a bat mitzvah he wanted to take time on their 16th to bless them with the things that he wanted for them as they begin the process of leaving childhood and entering adulthood.

We are going to do something similar to what he wanted. I am going to have a book and pen out at the party and I am going to ask all the family and friends to write out a wish that they have for Annie as she begins the steep uphill journey to adulthood.

Thankfully, the basics I would want for my girls are there in them all ready. Each one of them loves God and desires to serve him in their life. They know the value of prayer and they have the faith (through the example of the last 3 years) that God is a miracle working God and he is watching out for them. They know what is important to look for in a mate and they have no interest in boys right now other than the casual appreciation of a particularly fine specimen. They see that all those years of mommy and daddy telling them to get a degree in something before you are married is not bad advice as they watch me struggle through getting a degree at almost 40.

I hope for Annie and the others is that they would grow up feeling loved and cherished by their father, me and the strain of the last 3 and a half years will not wear their souls down.

We are still living in a very uncertain place. When Gary was alive they had security. Daddy worked to earn money for us, mommy stayed home and took care of us and got in trouble for spending the money that Daddy made to quickly. Now none of us are sure what tomorrow is going to hold. In a way it is exciting for us all to dream about possibilities of the future but the fear of the unknown is still there and it is really scary.

All of this rambling to say as my eldest turns 16 this year and my baby will be 13 in the fall I am thrilled at the place my girls are in. They have survived things that would kill some people. You know I share a lot but I don't share everything. They went through more and saw more with Gary's illness than any child or adult should ever have to experience and that is with me acting as shield for the really bad stuff.

They have some cracked edges and trips through a therapist office may or may not be in our future but the people that those girls are make a momma proud. They have their issues and their quirks (don't we all) but their fabric is beautiful. I worried when they were babies that my children would be those awful kids that drank and smoked and slept around. My girls cant be farther from that.

They actually got upset with themselves the other day that they aren't like the stereotypical teenager. I had to laugh and thank God they were nothing like MTV says a teenager should be.

There are days when the ever changing emotional outburst of teenage girls make me want to slowly smother them but I know that this phase will pass and if the worst thing I have to deal with is my youngest telling me I am a horrible mother in a fit of rage then I can deal with that. Maybe, hopefully.

Anne Elizabeth, Cassidy Margaret and Merry Caroline. You make your mom and your dad so proud of the young women you all have become. You all have made it through more in your young lives then your Daddy and I ever wanted to put you through but I think it made you guys stronger. I know each one of you will do some amazing things one day. You all are amazing people and it is an honor to know you all and an extreme pleasure for you all to call me mom or woman (inside joke)

I know your Daddy would be so proud of each of you and Annie as you celebrate your 16th birthday tomorrow I know Daddy will be looking down and smiling at you.

Half Way There

This week I passed the halfway mark in my last term as a junior at the University of North Florida. I have A's in two of my classes and if I keep my nose to the grind stone I will have at least C's in the other classes. 

My favorite class has to be Fiction Writing. It is not just because I get the best grades in that class but it lets me be creative for a purpose. After this class I really think I could enjoy writing short stories for magazines or writing for a television show. The kids are voting TV and movie writing for me as a job, for the sole purpose they would get to hang out on a set all day. 

My second favorite class is Multimedia reporting. I like that class because it is forcing me to push out of my comfort zone and learn new things. I get to play reporter too and that is a ton of fun. I was told I need to work on my voice though. I am too soft spoken and I need to be more confidant. Confidence is not one of my strong points, it is up there with grammar and spelling. 

The other two classes I am taking are interesting but honestly when I leave them so will any knowledge I may have gained from them.

The girls and I are deep into our year of traveling. We have had 3 separate hotel stays already and I can think of a bunch more to come. We have gotten to enjoy traveling and look forward to that being a part of what ever job God has in store for us. 

I got a little God face smack this week, when we were at Disney the lady checking us out was a single mom from Thailand. We got to talking and I told her my story about loosing Gary and going back to school. She made a comment about how nice it must be to have so much help and that she was all alone and she could never go to school. 

At first I got a bit perturbed, I thought wait one second, help?  I have to take my kids to school with me and they camp outside the door while I am in school. I have to carve out uninterrupted school work time at 3 a.m. after they go to bed. I wanted to say baby I an making this work on my own. 

God stopped my thoughts and made me think about the ladies who have proof read my home work the way Gary used too and the friends who have set up new beds and installed broken door knobs. Those are all things that I could not do on my own.

Friends that pick up my girls and take them to meetings so I can have a few hours of peace to actually get something done on my homework. The list could go on and on. 

I have Gary's Dad, Mom and brothers who are there for us when we need them and they understand when we are still emotional at family functions. 

I have neighbors who are knocking on our door at the slightest hint of something off at the house.

My Mom lives with us some of the time and well I don't have enough space in the whole blog to list the way she helps. We have been without her for months while she recovers from cataract surgery at my sisters. Things are a bunch harder but I think we needed to be able to stand on our own. It will be a blessing though to have her back in a few months. 

I am still trying to get comfortable in my own skin, you know looking back I do not think I have ever been comfortable with who I am. I have always said to myself I would be OK if? But God is really pushing me too accept myself for who I am, I am not perfect (far from it) but I am not that bad either. I am going to be entering a work force that is  filled with extremely confidant beautiful people and I am going to have to shine a God confidence if I am going to succeed in this field. 

At almost 40 I am still such a work in progress. God is the painter of the masterpiece that is my life I just need to stop mucking the picture up and making him have to repaint large sections over and over.

Please be in prayer for us on a couple of things. 

My eldest goes in for a biopsy on her neck next week I am praying they can do it in office and not have to take her into the operating room. I am also praying that the biopsy comes back completely benign.  

My middle daughters health and some emotional issues that plague my youngest. 

Please pray for ridiculous favor for me in my schooling and as I begin to apply for jobs that come up. I have lived comfortably on life insurance for a while now and I need to get a job soon and supplement my income and lean less on life insurance. 

This was me trying to look cool :) My children tell me it is a lost cause I will never be cool. Oh well, a girl can dream cant she. Haha

Do you ever feel like you have a little demon and the little angels on your shoulders each telling you the exact opposite things. You know the guys I am talking about they used to be in all those those old cartoons.

Finishing out my second year as a widow those little voices are screaming at me.

Angel: You are doing exactly what God has planned for you to be doing. 
Devil: You really must be stupid to think that you will EVER succeed at this writing thing. 

Angel: You are a strong woman handling this single mom thing wonderfully. 
Devil: Please you and your children are ticking time bombs ready to explode. 

Angel: God is going to move you into new areas in your life and re-fire dreams that you thought were long gone. 
Devil: You are insane to think the you will be or do anything other than what you are right now you will never amount to anything special. 


In the last two years everything in my life has gone into flux. I was perfectly content to be a stay at home mom and wife for the rest of my life and now I am in a place where that is really not an option anymore.

I have felt like God told me this is a time in my life when I need to step out in faith and take risks to accomplish new things. I want to accomplish new things, I want to figure out what makes Cindy, Cindy. I want to figure out who I am and who God wants me to be.


My time as someones caretaker is going to quickly be gone. My girls are growing up at warp speed, I will always be their Mom but there will come a day when Mom is not my sole identity. What will be left then.

I have tried to throw caution to the wind and put myself and my writing out there for all the world to see, thankfully the response I have gotten has mostly been positive, it worries me that the few bits of negative (they really weren't negative just not "gushy") feedback I have gotten, I find myself actually getting depressed over. I know I won't make it far in life if I let every negative thing make me cry.


As the world celebrated Valentines Day this past week, of course I felt alone. I miss the love of a good Godly man in my life so much. I thought for a moment, if God came down to earth and put me on some cosmic "Lets make a deal" and behind

      Box number 1: God would allow Gary himself to hand pick someone for me to have a                    relationship with and mary.

    Box number 2: You and your girls have the adventure of a lifetime, fulfilling the inner most dreams that I hid in your heart as a child. 

You know what the answer is? I think it would be box number 2. As much as it hurts to be lonely, I want to find out all that I personally could become even more.

Even though I do not want a relationship,  I did put kiss one man as a New Years goal this year. Don't Judge I have only ever kissed Gary and I am almost 40 years old I want to test drive a few other sets of lips ;)

I heard this line of a song on the radio this evening and I thought it summed up my inner struggle/rambling pretty well-

 I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
(10th avenue north Worn)


So I guess I need to focus on silencing the little devil on my shoulder the next couple of months. And listen only to the Angel. Stuff is about to take off in our life and I don't want to let fear or any nagging little devil to steal one moment of anything God has for us away.

I have all ready had my first published magazine article this year, I have published several articles on an Internet news site and  next month I will be working on my second published piece, by the end of the term, my teacher is going to help me piece together a collection of short stories so maybe by summer I will be ready to publish that book about our life I have been working half heartily on forever. I will also have my own website up by the end of this term with a  full portfolio of my work.

I remember right after Gary passed away God told me to just rest and make some new memories with the girls. He told me when things start moving they are going to move at light speed. Well things are starting to move and I am determined to silence the little devils in my life and throw my hands up and enjoy the ride come what may. No matter what happens with God and my three beauties it is sure to be an adventure :)

Progress Report

Last week the girls and I had our family pictures taken. We went to the cemetery where Gary is buried to get our photos taken. It seemed a tad macabre at first but after seeing how nice the pics turned out I was glad we went there. 

The term family pictures was hard to put on our photo shoot. It is still weird to consider us a family without Gary here with us. After 18 months you would have thought we would be okay with this new abnormal family unit we have, but we all miss Gary so much, every day. 

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My first term at UNF was definitely less than Stellar. I only earned half of the credits I tried for. That was really hard for me to deal with. Since I have been going back to school anything less than and A was unacceptable. 

I earned a C in my multimedia reporting class and I was dancing in the streets for that C. My teacher liked my writing style but he got so frustrated with my lack of polish in regards to grammar. 

Bottom line the fact that I could put together a descent story was the only thing that saved my bacon in that class. That gave me a ray of hope that maybe, I can do this and maybe it isn't completely insane me doing this college thing. 

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This term, I am doing four classes again. My friends tell me that is insane. The fact of the matter is I didn't want to mess up my student aide and it happened to work out to where I could take three classes online so I only had to go into school twice a week. 

At the end of last term I really wanted to just quit school and find a job, answering a telephone somewhere but I knew if I did that Gary would have kicked my fanny from heaven. 

So far I am doing better this term. I am retaking one of the classes that I made a D in, a nutrition class, Intro to fiction writing and Multi media reporting. 

The first two classes are pretty simple and straight forward. The second two have kept my hyper creative mind active. In fiction class, we will have a novel of short stories complete by the end of the term. I am working on fictionalizing the couple of months before Gary died till now. I am trying to capture the emotions and thoughts that I dealt with as a widow so one day I can publish it and when someone else goes through this pain they can read my book and realize they can survive. 

The second class is Multimedia reporting. This class goes at warp speed. This is the only class that I actually go to a class for. I am glad I do I cant imagine this class online. Every time we are with the professor he, for lack of a better analogy, barfs up so much knowledge to us. It all comes so fast and furious it almost makes my head spin. 

We have written internet new stories and created everything from tweets to glavatar's. He has really helped us all so much. I feel like after five weeks in his class that I am a better writer and I feel more confidant that I might be able to do this writing thing. 

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I am not sure what God would have me do with all this knowledge that these awesome professors are pouring into me. Most of the youngins that I take these classes with know exactly how they want to use their degree. I get asked what I want to do with my degree and I really cannot tell you for sure. To be honest I guess I still do not have enough confidence in myself to try for anything because I feel like I will probably fail. God is working on that attitude too. 

       
If I could snap my fingers and put myself into a career of my choosing, I would be writing faith based movies with the likes of Corbin Bernsen and The Kendrick brothers. What God does with my eventual career well that is still to be determined. I want what God wants for me. 

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I started 2013 in a good way. God has been giving me many opportunities to increase my confidence. I was published in a newspaper for the first time ever. Which was EPIC for my confidence. Over Christmas break I discovered the wonderful world of fan fictions and I have been writing fan fictions based on the television show Psych and have enjoyed some wonderful reviews for my work. I actually have fans who read all my work, me fans, go figure :). I was even given five stars on another fan fiction site. I know that as a writer I am going to be severely criticized and it is going to shake my confidence I am grateful that God has given me a time period to build up a base of confidence so I can go out there and face the criticism. 

You can ask my children, I cried over the one bad review I got. Sad I know but it is the truth. 

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God is continuing the process of recreating Cindy and He is working at light speed. So much continues to happen so fast. I am anxious to start my life in a career and I think the girls are anxious too. They want me to write for a television show so they can hang out on the set. I don't know we will see what God has in store for us. 

I guess the one thing that has changed dramatically over the last few months has been the progression from surviving to actually looking forward to the future and excited about where God is taking me. I still would give my right arm to have my sweet man with me and have the biggest worry in my day be how I am going to explain that McDonalds receipt to him.

I can't have my old life back and even if I could it would be weird because I am not the same person.  I think, I hope, Gary would be proud of me, he worked so hard the last few months of his life trying to get me ready to face the world without him. I strive to be the person that he thought I could be. 

Grief and Stuff

    You know we had the Schrivermarathon.blogspot.com blog let people know how we were but we also made that blog when Gary and I sat down and decided to live out loud for all to see. We decided that if we were going to go through this that there would be other people who had to got through it and we did not want them to feel all alone in their battle. We have been so blessed by people that have told us that our blog meant so much to them. That blog is only updated once or twice in a year now.
   
     The marathon of faith has changed. Gary is receiving his reward but the girls and I are still running our marathon of faith. I started a book about mine and Gary's life a while ago and I plan on keeping up with it hopefully one day eventually publishing it. I type until I cry so hard I can't type any more. I have a new thing I want to write about. Something that so many people have to go through and that is grief. I am not a physiologist or a minister so I do not know the right things to tell people about what they should or should not feel. I do have experience. When people say "man I know how you feel" odds are they don't really know how you feel. That is okay I would be so thrilled for no one in this world would have to experience the pain that I have. I want to write a book from the heart friend to friend to that person who just needs to know that they are not alone.

   This is a huge thing for me to admit that I am doing this. I am really good at starting things not so much on finishing things. I am also super self conscious but I feel very strongly that this is the path God wants me to follow. I would treasure your feedback on content. Do you think that this would be a useful book. I have attached the first few pages on the bottom of this. Spelling and Grammar gets fixed latter so ignore that all you grammar natzis. Gary grabbed my face and told me to write my story down and don't be afraid before he died.

   I can take the criticism  if you have it. I guess I need to throw this out here so I can't deny it anymore. If I keep it on my computer and not tell anyone the chances of me having the confidence to get this done is zero. Thank you for your feedback


First part of the book starts here:

My whole life growing up was spent thinking about the man that would one day sweep me off my feet and give me his name. I even made a wish list for God down to every minute detail, like he had to be taller than me and have bigger feet then mine. As soon as I saw my future husband I knew it was him, at least I was pretty sure. He fulfilled every want and requirement on my wish list.  I was right we started dating and were married within a year. We struggled along the first couple of years we were married but we were absolutely committed to each other and not leaving. Our life was not easy we had a ton of medical issues and three daughters born in three and a half years. Through all that we grew more and more in love with each other with each passing day. Soon we found ourselves married for 16 years. I remember that anniversary calculating that I would have been a Schriver longer than a Smith in 6 years when I turned 43. That was a big milestone for us, he remembered when his mom was a Schriver longer than a Mercer it meant so much to her and to Gary and he wanted that same special marriage his parents had. We had an amazing life, we weren’t rich we lived paycheck to paycheck but we had a house FULL of love and that was enough for us both.

 

 A few months after Gary turned 40 our perfect world shattered. Gary had gone to the doctor for what he thought was arthritis and it turned out to be metastatic bone cancer. It is amazing what one phone call can do to your seemingly perfect life. The first few weeks of his diagnosis was spent in a haze I do not think either of us could really comprehend what we were about to go through. Soon after the haze lifted anger set in. How could God do this to us? How could he allow this to happen to our perfect marriage? I thought God had spent 16 years making perfection to break it now? I was angry!! I would get so angry I couldn’t function and I would leave the kids with my mom and take a drive and clear my head. One night on one of those drives God did not try and tell me it was going to be ok he asked me if I would love him no matter what? That made me really think for the first time that yes Gary could actually die from this. If the worst happened and he died could I still love God? It took some soul searching but the answer was eventually yes. I told God that I might not be too happy with him but I would always love him no matter what happened.

 I would love to write that catharsis was an amazing turn around and he was healed and we lived happily ever after. Happily ever after did not happen for us. Gary battled hard for two long years. I watched this strong amazing 330-pound man who was full of life waste away before my eyes. When he died he was less than 180 pounds and every dignity was stripped of him one by one. From his walking unassisted to even going to the bathroom. When he took his last breath he was a shell of who he was physically but his spirit was still there as strong as ever. 

For this next part to be funny you have to know that my husband was an amazing singer. His voice was like putting on a warm sweater out of the dryer.  A few days before he died, I had been on a 24-hour watch of him for about 2 weeks and one early morning he was in a lot of pain and groaning. So I gave him his medicine and started to gently rub his arms and sing a song to him. The song may have not been exactly on key but I was trying and every time I got off key he would groan at me in disapproval. That was proof to me that his body was failing but Gary was still Gary. The day before he died my youngest came up to Gary and told him that she loved him and he was able to muster a “love you moo moo” back to her. That was the last he spoke in this world. I told her that is her special treasure. Daddy’s last love you.

The night before he died I was driving home from work with my youngest and it was a horrible stormy day that day but when we drove home that night it was the most amazing beautiful sunset. I told her that is what God is going to do in our lives he is going to make the most beautiful thing come from the horrible storms. Little did I know the next evening we would gather around Gary’s bed to tell him goodbye.

I knew in my heart that the day was coming soon for Gary to go to heaven but I still didn’t want to believe it. I was still holding out for a miracle. He died August 2^nd 2011 four days shy of the two-year anniversary of his diagnosis.

His memorial service and the first few months after his death were a blur. We managed, we tried to jump back onto life but we weren’t very successful. We tried to carry on but our life, as we knew it could not carry on because the center of that life was no longer there. We had to learn how to recreate ourselves. Mainly me, I was a mom a typical stay at home mom never really worked and now the breadwinner of my family is gone and I am going to have to figure out what I need to do to step into that role of breadwinner.

I remember when the girl’s children’s pastor told me when Gary was alive that they were going to walk with us as we journey into this new role as single parent. I remember I was livid with him, not for what he said but for putting  the words into reality that I was still trying to avoid. I used to get so angry at people when they would misquote the Bible and tell me that God wouldn’t put more on us then we could handle. I would angrily retort and say well that can’t be true because we passed more than I could handle about two years ago. God never promises us that. I promise look it up that verse they quote talks about being tempted with sin more than you can handle without giving you a way out. Misquoting that verse has made so many people embittered toward God. What is a more appropriate verse would be HIS strength is made whole in my weakness or where I am weak he is strong. Gary and I would always remember the fiery furnace. God didn’t rescue them from the furnace but he met them in the fire. Because he did that a nation was saved. We were in that fire for two years. I cannot tell you one day when God was not there in that furnace with us.

God is still walking with us since Gary’s passing he has made our ways straight he has provided in amazing ways. We were able to spend the first full year after his death mourning. Boy did we need it too. The grieving process was not an easy one with three teenage girls and myself.

I knew we would all have to grieve after loosing Gary but I thought naïvely that we would grieve in this straightforward 12 step like process. That was the stupidest thing ever. News flash, grief isn’t a straight line it is more like Christmas lights that have been in the attic for a year. To make it even more interesting for a newly single mom I learned that everyone grieves differently.

I always learned about a persons love language but there is a grief language too. Mine was to be a reclose I just wanted to be alone and wallow in my grief, My eldest daughter was quiet and reserved and didn’t talk much at all. My middle daughter was angry. Daddy was her favorite parent and she made sure she told me and she was angry that I survived and daddy died. She would have been happier if it the other way around. She was shocked when I told her I wished that too. I was having so much trouble adapting to this role as single parent and I knew Gary would handle this all so much better than me. My youngest she threw temper tantrums about everything and when she wasn’t doing that she was cuddled so close to me we could barely move. I really think it took 6 months to get through that initial haze it didn’t get really any better till we made it through the last first with out Gary. August 2^nd 2012 the first anniversary of Gary’s death we all got in the car and went to Sonny’s and ate in honor of him.

It has been fourteen months now and some days it seems like he died yesterday and I can still feel the pain I felt when I watched him die. Some days it seems like I have been on my own for years and the pain is not so bad. Gary spent his last waking hours preparing me to live without him. I remember when we were writing out the girls birthday cards (his gift to them, 10 years of cards) he stopped and grabbed my hand and started to weep he smiled through the tears and told me “I am sure going to miss you”. He knew his time was near but he did not spend a moment in self-pity he took every moment to speak into my life and the girl’s life. He told me to find some one to love I laughed him off and said I did 16 years ago when I met you. Those moments in time are etched in my memory and they can still bring a tear to my eye but they also motivate me to make him proud. I died inside the day that Gary took his last breathe but with Gods grace and the love of my children I am rising up from the ashes. It is a slow process but it is going to be something beautiful. Like that beautiful sunset after the stormy day; something beautiful is going to come from all this.

Thanksgiving

     Last Thanksgiving I was barely able to function the girls and I went out from my sisters house and stayed on vacation for over two weeks.  The girls and I have become experts at vacations this year ;-) This Thanksgiving was different. We are feeling Gary's absence more this Thanksgiving  than last. My girls were adamant about spending this Thanksgiving alone. Part of me was happy to oblige them, you know sitting around a house that is probably not yours and just feeling uncomfortable. It is crazy to be uncomfortable around family and normally we don't but on Thanksgiving it is stressful and so busy.

   This year feels almost like an anti Thanksgiving. No turkey, dressing, or assortment of veggie casseroles for this clan. It is just the four of us Merry has about three things she will eat and Cassie has ruled Veggies of any kind are uncool and is iffy when it comes to eating meat. That leaves Annie and I and well that isn't enough to bake all the normal stuff for. So we decided on getting Italian take out for our Thanksgiving. That seems almost Un American doesn't it?

    I think tomorrow isn't about the food for this little group of gals but it is about our continuing effort to figure out what in the heck this new normal is going to look like and how we fit into it. Tomorrow we will sit around our table and giggle and laugh and share what we are thankful for and then maybe watch a movie in my room. It will be surreal not to have Daddy sitting at the head of the table and smell his famous backed beans cooking. I won't catch Gary and Cassie in the kitchen with a bag of Dorritos acting as "quality control" for said baked beans. There will be no wrestling in the yard or cuddles on the couch playing video games.

    When you loose a person  I think you miss that person first. I remember coming home after Gary's memorial service and crying myself to sleep not only because of his service that morning but the reality that he was no longer here set in. Today 15 months after loosing him I rationally and emotionally know he is gone but now the hard part is missing the moments that we shared and the memories we will never get a chance to make.

    Out shopping today I saw a husband sweetly wheeling his ill wife in a wheelchair. The couple looked to be in their 80's and I cried. I can't tell you how many nights Gary and I stayed up till 2 in the morning talking about growing old together. We used to say we would die in each others arms at 94 and 98 years old.  I thought, do those old people know how precious a gift it is for them to still have each other? My girls smiled at them and said you and Daddy would have had a long happy marriage like that  , well if he hadn't died. ;(

    In recent years Thanksgiving was a time of grief for me. The last two Thanksgiving's Gary was alive he spent the days before the big day in the hospital and was ill on Thanksgiving. We still had him though and we were stressed but still a family.

    Redefining a family is a hard thing to do. You know the first question that the girls asked me after Gary died was? Are Grandma and Grandpa Schriver still our Grandparents? They actually thought that once Gary was gone that our tie to them would be broken. I very quickly made sure they knew that they are always going to be their grandparent no matter what. It did make me think though my calling them my inlaws is technically not accurate anymore. Thankfully they still claim me though.

    I know tomorrow we will have fun and giggle and play but it will be weird and really really lonely. It is an unfortunate needed step in our healing though. We have been dealt these cards and we have got to learn how to play them.

    If you get a chance tomorrow as you are thankful for your family as I am for mine, remember the widows and widowers out there. We are choosing to be alone tomorrow but there are some people who  don't have a choice but to be alone. I saw one of those people today when we went out to eat. A gentleman about 85 years old sat and dined alone and the waitress addressed him like he is a daily customer. She even told him that she will see him tomorrow on Thanksgiving.

    I am so grateful to have a network of family and friends if I reached out I know I would be welcome with the girls at a number of Thanksgivings. That safety net is what helps us take steps in healing like doing Thanksgiving on our own. I have to say that loosing Gary has left me broken in a million pieces but if I had to be a widow I have been given a pretty easy time of it. We have a Grandma that lives with us a good part of the time, another set of grands that live a few miles away. Brother in laws that have standing offers to help, friends who are there when I need them and neighbors who make sure that they are watching my house day and night.

    I don't want to sound cliche or mellow dramatic but take the time tomorrow to really love on and appreciate your family. Take the time to notice the traditions that you may not count as traditions. Notice how Grandpa cuts the Turkey and which of your Aunts is the really bad cook. Love your family and make sure you tell them. Life Changes in a moment and you go from enjoying a holiday to dreading the pain and loneliness that the holidays bring.

    I am in the beginning stages of getting my happy back and it is going to take a herculean effort to find the joy in holidays again but it will happen. I thank God that you all are their to love us through the process.

Happy Happy Thanksgiving from the Schriver Girls :) <3

Doubts

    For some reason this month I have been filled with so much doubt and fear. When I started at UNF I was so confidant that UNF Communication degree was what I was supposed to do. Gary's words of faith about my future echoed through my ears, all was right.
   At midterm all that faith and excitement faded. I guess, I imagined that since this was what God called me too it would be a "breeze" to get through. It has not been a breeze at all.
    I put so much pressure on myself, I am alone now, I HAVE to start working soon. My insurance coverage will last 18 more months at BEST.
    I fear that if I can't get a handle on these classes and I have to waste time retaking them it will be three or four years before I am ready to work.
    I have been  discouraged and down right fearful. This weekend at church the sermon was God talking directly at me.

 What I learned and the questions I came away with:

    Proverbs 16:9   We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it.

  The same God that gave me the strength to be awake for a month straight taking care of needs of my dying husband.He will give me the grace and strength to get through college and life as a single parent. If insurance runs out before a job begins, He will  somehow handle that too. 

  When you lie down at night, take the time to ask What did you learn about yourself today?

  I need to ask myself that question every night but at the same time, I need to remember what I have been through and remind myself what those times taught me about myself. 

  Remember that God puts us in scenarios to either confirm to fix traits inside of us. What could I learn about myself from the past few years and now?

  Whose need do I need to meet? How do I need to meet it?

  What is God trying to teach me about me? How do I figure that out and when I do how do I believe it?

  Trust that God has ordered my steps and believe that "God has got my back"

   When Gary was alive he spoke so much into my life. He told me that I was an amazingly strong woman and that I have only begun to scratch the surface of what God has in store for me. He told me that I will one day be a writer and speaker and the words I put to paper and speak will help change peoples lives. He would tell me that and I would promptly tell him he took way too many meds :) 

  I am in a period of reconstruction right now and I don't want to build my foundation poorly. I need to surrender my ambitions and MY plans for myself and allow God to order my steps. He has had my back this far, I know he will continue to order my steps. 

  I am in such a unique place in my life right now there are no limits to what God can do. I just need to make sure that I check my fear at the door. 

  What could I do if I saw myself the way God saw me and I had no fear?  

  I guess I came out with more questions than answers but I think those answers will come as I continue to take those steps forward.