Father's Day

Father's Day is one of those days that the girls and I hide away. It is still really difficult to see all the commercials on tv and hear the sermons about great Dad's without getting sad.

My girls had a magnificent father they know that and they have some memories of the things that he used to do with them but not a lot before cancer. I try to remind them about how amazing he is and never let his memory die but it is really hard.

The girls told me that their memories of childhood revolved around cancer which spurred us onto our endless traveling for a couple of years to make sure that they have happy memories from childhood that will hopefully outweigh some of the sad ones.

When you loose your dad as an adult like I did. You miss him terribly but there is a lifetime of memories to keep them close in your heart. I remember my Dad walking me down the isle and his boisterous laugh of joy when I told him I was pregnant. I remember how the big bad drill instructor that was my dad LOVED to tease my very nonmilitary minded geeky husband.I remember my dad strolling into Annie's hospital room with a balloon and instantly calming her down after her tonsillectomy when no one else was having any luck calming her.

I remember my Dad swatting at Cassie with a fly swatter as she ran by. It was a game to Cassie to avoid the swatter it usually ended with them both laughing and I remember him sitting with a 6-month-old Merry explaining to her what was on television and Merry just looking up at him hanging on every word.

I have a lifetime of memories good and bad but my girls don't have that. So it is easier to just avoid life on Father's day. It is getting easier. I realized this year that I am having to fill both roles in my daughters' life so maybe instead of hiding next year I will claim the day as an extra day to celebrate the fact that we are a team and we have made it together.

Holidays are the toughest when you have lost someone. I think it is human nature to mourn all the things that your lost one will not see. I guess the day will always be tough till they are married and they get to celebrate the day with their kids Dad.

Luckily though their memories are few Gary left them with an indelible example of what a good father and husband is. They have never questioned that their Dad loved them with every bone in his body and he gave them the best gift any father could give their child he loved their mother fiercely. He always made sure that they knew how precious I was to him and by doing that he showed them what to look for in a husband one day.

To Gary's Dad that is thankfully still with us. Thank you for raising an amazing man and thank you for continuing to be there for the girls and I. Happy Father's Day

Happy Fathers Day in heaven baby I love you!

Happy Daddy's day to my Dad as well. I love you.

I have learned through all my struggles and trials to look for nuggets of encouragement all over the place.

The picture below is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. It is a declaration from God that when we feel like we at our weakness that is the time God's strength can come through and shine. If where I am weak He is strong then that's okay because that is when miracles happen.

One day before I die I hope I can get my fear in check. This is a simple statement but so very true.

It has been five years since I lost my husband and I can attest that this quote is so true. 

Wise words to remember 

I am a sucker for a great quote or verse. Plese, feel free to share your favorite quotes in the comments below.  I plan on starting my weeks with a post of my favorite quotes of the week. Be sure to check back every weekend :) 

Plans not attained

Well, it's almost been a year since my last post and I am sorry. I got crazy busy with my last term at school. Lots have happened and not happened since that last post. I didn't make it to the Keys, money was just not there for us to go. I still plan on making that trip one day. Gary always told me my eyes matched the water down there and he wanted to show me how beautiful it was. (he was so sweet)

I did manage to finish college so that is a huge thing. Now  I am stuck. I went the direction with my studies that I felt like God was leading and I enjoyed every step of the way. Now I am trying to transform all those great experiences into an actual paying job and I just don't know what to do.

I can't imagine working in an office 40 hours a week, but I never have before so everything is going to be out of my comfort zone. I went to apply at a television station and I don't think I embarrassed myself but I don't think I impressed either. She asked what my ultimate career goals are and I couldn't answer them. It got me really thinking so I went home prayed and thought long and hard and I came up with two lists.  One career goals and the other life goals for the next ten years. Now at least I can answer that question if it asked again.

I have been looking at jobs from Orlando to Jacksonville all the way to Atlanta, California, and even Hawaii. I would love a short three or four-month job in all those places. I would love to explore the country with my girls.

At this point people ask me what's next for me, my answer is I DONT KNOW :(. We are in a holding pattern right now. I am ready for whatever challenge comes our way. The girls are amazing about it, they tell me that as long as we are all together they don't care where we are because home is where ever we are together. I tell you that just makes a momma smile.

Short term summer goals why we wait -

Finish a writing project I am doing with my girls. We created a short booklet to help older kids whose parent has cancer. They told me what worked for them and what they wished they knew and we put it in book form. They want to do a kids medical encyclopedia but I am just not sure about that one :)

Learn how to better handle my DSLR

Submit at least 20 more applications (I know you have to submit a bunch to get that one job you want)

Do things to add to my eportfolio


These are easily attainable goals that will do nothing but enhance my skill set. If I have to wait on the next step I can at least be preparing for the future not just sitting here. Maybe I will give in and get my knee replaced while I am unemployed too. I don't know though Major surgery or continue to limp around we will see LOL.


I am not ashamed to tell you that hearing about all my peers from school doing amazing things is tough cause I am just like "I showered today AND washed my hair" but I know I have to be patient. GRRR hate that word don't you :)

Making plans but being open for the unexpected

WOW, it is July 1st. Next month will mark four years since Gary went to be with Jesus. FOUR years that is so hard to believe. When he first passed away it was hard to imagine getting through the month without him. 

My goal according to the last post was to spend, what would have been, our 20th anniversary in the Keys. He always wanted to take me there but we could never afford it. He would get all goggly eyed and tell me that the green in my eyes was the same as the green of the water down there. He was so sweet wasn't he?

Unfortunately that didn't happen but that okay. I ended up on another couple adventures. One I had knee surgery. I was having such intense knee pain that I stopped going to church, I stopped doing anything really because it just hurt so much. 

The surgery was pretty successful. The doctor cleaned out all the bone spurs and torn cartilage but he couldn't do too much with the severe arthritis on the inside of my knee. 

I am thankful that the arthritis pain is the only pain that I am still dealing with. It can be really bad but I am determined to live and adapt to it. 

When we were first married, I taught aqua therapy classes to arthritis patients. Now if the YMCA will accept my financial aid application I will use what I taught those ladies on myself. 

Three days after my knee I ended up in the Emergency room with a calcium dip, I should say plummet it was pretty low. The ER visit turned out to be teaching time with Cindy. Not a lot of ER staff know what Hyperparathyroidism is and when you simply tell them low blood calcium they don't realize the severity of the issue. Mine isn't the low blood calcium you get when you give blood and your upper lip is a little numb until you eat something. Mine is the fix this before she drops so low she goes into cardiac arrest or full body cramping.

There is a test you can do by tapping your TMJ nerve (might not be the nerves name but it is in the area of it) when your calcium is low and it will make your lip jump. My surgeon that took my Thyroid out told me that was my new bar room trick. None of the nurses had ever seen a patient exhibit that and they were fascinated. 

The one nurse came in and was going to give me two syringes full of calcium carbonate straight into my IV. I had to stop him and tell him he is wrong. Thankfully he wasn't an arrogant jerk and went and asked the doctor. He came back in with the mixed IV bag. Then they took me by ambulance with two very handsome EMTs to the main campus of the hospital with better equipment to handle any my issues better. 


Thankfully I am finally on the mend from those two adventures. 

This month I also started another new adventure. My University started their campus version of an online magazine that is sort of like Buzzfeed. It is ran by 20 somethings for 20 somethings but they were gracias enough to accept the application of this 20 times 2 something. I have written three pieces so far and it has been so much fun. 

The latest piece I did was in response to an idea on the writers idea board of the paper. It was about not being afraid to go solo. You don't need a boyfriend to be happy. That topic gave me an opportunity to tell the world what I tell my girls all the time. Find out who YOU are before you settle down and get married. 

I was 21 when I got married and I was 24 when I had my first child. I had finished just about 2 years of school but it didn't total two years because I was on the major of the month program. I thought I wanted to be an actress and then a doctor and then a teacher never settling on anything. It was difficult because I didn't really know who Cindy was. To be honest I still don't have a clear view of who Cindy is but it is clearer than it was. 

I would never change marrying Gary when I did or having babies. I do not regret one minute of my life as a stay at home mom. I was blessed to have that opportunity. If I could go back and tell myself (and myself would listen) I would tell that 17 year old who graduated High School to take time to go on adventures. Spend time abroad with the college or on mission trips. Work crazy jobs that sound fun do things and be willing to fail at them. I still lived with Mom and Dad and I had no responsibilities or bills to pay so it was the perfect time to experience everything. 

I didn't do that and now I am a 41 year old widow who up until 2 years ago had nothing other than wife and mom to put on a resume. 

No one when they get married expects to be a widow in their 30's but I tell my girls plan for the unexpected in life. Be a mom and wife but also have a skill to be able to support your family if needed or help with ends meat. 

The article that I wrote last week also had an unexpected effect. Turns out it not only spoke to college age people but to widows as well. It was a  starting off point for several great conversations. 

I try to share a piece of me when I write. I am not the most technically proficient but I am getting better at that. It is such an amazing blessing to have just one person be touched by what I write. It makes my heart happy. 


I do not start school again till fall term, so I have about six weeks to have some more summertime adventures before getting back to work on finishing my Communications degree. I am a little nervous they tell me one of my teachers in the fall feels like it is his job to weed out the people who can't handle Communications. Part of me wants to cry at the prospect of a teacher like that and the other part of me wants to yell "Bring it". Hopefully that part will win out in the fall. 

So many of the plans we have for our life get messed up and honestly when they get messed up it is easy to be mad at God and blame him for things not wiring to your plan. 

Do I think God gave Gary cancer, nope. Do I think God has used that experience for good, yep. At the very least now I can relate to another person who has lost a loved one. It is an honor to pray for people and I know what to specifically pray for. Unless you have gone through circumstances like loosing a spouse it is impossible to know all the unspoken heart trials that a person goes through. It is human nature to want a simple 12 step plan to handle things but grief is more like a 87,000 step suggestion not a plan. (Hint to my next BIG writing project hopefully done by fall). 

Tonight making dinner I was going through all the prayer request in my head for loved ones dealing with loss and families who are dealing with things. It is unfortunately a pretty big list. I opened my soda bottle and the inner ring came off and it reminded me of Gary. Every drink he ever had from soda to milk he would take the inner ring of the cap off and turn it into a heart for me. I still find those twisted pieces of plastic in drawers and every time it makes me smile. When the inner ring came off my bottle I found myself making it into a heart. This plastic heart is for all my friends who are going through grief right now. 

Thank you all for continuing to pray for the girls and I. We have had some tough adventures this summer as well. Thankfully God is always with us and providing for us. I ask that you continue to pray for us. We have some big things coming up and some big worries and concerns that like always I tell God how he can answer them but I know his ways are so much better than anything I can think or imagine. 

Till next time. Love from the Schriver Sorority. 

This year would have been 20 years.

Our wedding day May 20, 1995. We got married at the First United Methodist Church in St. Augustine the same church that his parents were married in. That day I changed my name and gave my heart to this man. The girls asked me if I knew thing how my life would turn out would I still have married him. I could say with out a doubt YES!!! I still would have said I do. We may have only had 16 years together but we shared a deep love and I got three of the craziest, most awesome girls out of the deal.




I always wanted to renew our vows. We weren't happy with the way our wedding turned out and we (okay mostly me but he agreed) wanted to renew our vows at some point. We thought 10 years would have been a good point but we were at such a tight place financially and I was literally neck deep in some serious medical conditions that ten years didn't happen. We were together and alive so we took it in stride and said we will definitely do it at the 20 year mark whether we have a ceremony with friends or at the altar at church with David Sheffield officiating, either way we WILL do it then. Well we didn't make it past the 16 year mark. I wish I could have gone back and reminded myself that we aren't guaranteed a tomorrow and to celebrate while we can.

In my heart I am still married to him so I want to do something special on our 20th. I was racking my brain on what I can do and it finally hit me. Something he always wanted to do but never did was take me to Key West. He used to tell me of all the fun times his family had when they vacationed there and how much he wanted to bring me there. He would tell me that my eyes are the same color as the water down there and until we could go together he would stare into my eyes and dream about us being there (so sweet you could puke right :)).

So I decided that as soon as we get back from my nieces wedding in Texas we will start saving pennies to go to the keys on May 20th 2015 in honor of two decades wearing the man of my dreams name. I may not have him here with me anymore but we can still honor the day and all the amazing memories we had together.

What do you think? Is that a good way to mark 20 years?

Another thing I have tried to not be afraid of doing is traveling. Gary wanted so much to show the girls all 48 continental states before they left our house. He would tell me the best memories he had as a kid revolved around road trips with his family and he wanted to give those great memories to the girls. I always wanted to travel Europe and I still do but I think maybe we can actually manage the 48 state thing.

The sort of round about point to this post is simple, don't put things off. Celebrate now, travel now, experience things and make memories now, none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. It is important to work hard and save money and plan for retirement but don't forget to live along the way. There are only a few things that I regret not doing while I had him with me but I am going to try not to make those mistakes anymore. My girls are only going to be with me for nine or ten more years ( they plan on living with me through college and till they are married) it is time to make memories now.

Forty is fabulous

One of my largest character flaws is my self confidence. I tend to care WAY to much about what people think about me and value their words over what I know to be true and what I know God has told me.

I spent 16 years married to an amazing man that spent everyday of his life battling the demons of my insecurities. I also spent,I think, five years in Mentor/Mentee relationships and another two years with a life coach to try and get me into a better place to do all that God has for me.

Low self confidence just isn't something that can make you shy, for me it is something that has been a weight around my neck holding me in place when God has wanted to drag me to new places in my life.

I always thought my lack of confidence was because of my height and weight. I was six foot in 5th grade with a full DD chest and always on the chubby side of life. One day I had a mentor blow my mind she told me that my confidence issues come from the fact that I am a perfectionist and when I do not reach some level of perfection I turn on myself.

When Gary was ill all the fluff in life fell away and it wasn't a matter of finishing the race in style it was just a matter of finishing and when I came out the other end still living and not completely a vegetable from all the stuff that we went through, for the first time in my life I was proud of myself. Suddenly the world is seen through a different lens. I made it through hell you aren't going to stop me.

That whole confidence was shaken when I started to exist as a single mom in a world of two parent families. To hear your kids asked, "Wheres your Dad? Why don't we ever see him at events?" is hard. That threw all of our confidences off. The world wants to put labels on you and that isn't cool. I used to be a labeler to until I felt the sting of them and now I am trying to stop.

Today was a tough day for me I was on a month contract with a job with the understanding that if there wasn't an impact that made the expense worth it then the contract would not be renewed. My rational mind is perfectly cool with that notion but my irrational mind said there is no way it would not be renewed. Well guess what, it was not renewed. I am proud at my over 40 self I thanked them for the opportunity and wished them well and meant it.

Ten years ago I would have broken down into tears, spending the next week depressed and asking WHY why what did I do wrong?

When I got out of the meeting that ended my contract I stopped and thought

"Did I do the best job that I was able to do?" - "Yep"

"Did I go over and above what was expected"(its a personal perfectionist thing)- "Yep"

"Would you have changed anything if you could go back?" - "Nope"

"Did you do anything to burn a bridge or hurt feelings?" - "Nope"

Then all that equals you did your best so walk away and wait to see what amazing things God is going to fill that void with.

I know most people are reading this reaction and going, "yeah that is how most sane people would react big deal?" Go back to the sixth word in that sentence and you will find why it was a big deal for me. :)

I used to have women older than me tell me that you care what people think till you hit forty then God gives you a "Whatever" attitude. (They didn't say whatever the words may have had an f and a u when describing the attitude you get but I won't use such language in my blog)

I think back to seventeen year old me (shiver) and the emotional conflict I would go through when moved from third chair to back row in chorus. Thinking he wanted to get rid of me because he hated me when in reality I was a good foot taller than all my counter parts. I was hard to miss. I was in choir with Gary's brother and Gary saw me for the first time at one of those concerts he said he couldn't stop looking at the tall nubian beauty in the back row with the long black hair.

I am so glad to be the forty one year old woman who still struggles with herself but it isn't a struggle that says I can't do it, it is more of a how do I do things. That just dawned on my as I type I haven't even thought I can't do something in the last few years. I may have had to think how do I adapt my physical limitations to make things work but never doubted my ability. Hmmm I wish Gary could see me know.

I love when a new struggle comes my way the girls automatically say, "Eh you drove three kids across country by yourself, you can do anything"

2015 is not starting how I dreamed it would (In California) or how I thought it would (with ESPN and working) but it is going to be really interesting.

I had an opportunity to work with ESPN and be a Research assistant helping to train cancer patients how to be better patients and I was struggling to figure out how I was going to do both. Merry looked at me and said, "You really don't give a rats behind about ESPN it is just to have the experience and this Cancer thing is something that you are passionate about go for the passion."

I am following the advice of a wise 14 year old and following my passion in 2015. Lord only knows where that will lead but it should be really fun to find out.

Goals for 2015

become descent in French again (took four years of it can't speak a lick past hi my name is Cindy)

take a summer trip from Jax to Rhode Island with the kids (their idea and heck I am game)

get a job that makes actual money (money is a huge struggle right now)

at least begin another book (haven't written anything for me in so long)

get knee replaced (it is getting really bad)

Vlog especially the road trips (single parent road warrior??)

Get back into Church (service times changed we have not made it to church lately)

Do three things I have never done before

regret nothing

Merry Christmas and Happy New year from the Schriver sorority to you.

Desert Places

(warning I wrote this after driving for four days straight I will probably edit it later but I just wanted to get it down now. Thanks for the understanding)



The girls and I just got back from a road trip to California. This journey was a multipurpose journey for us. First it was something asked for and provided by God. We have felt for a while that God was calling us to move to California and it was really scary. Leaving family and home is hard enough but add in the extra stress of not even knowing if you would like it in the place is hard. We prayed that God would let us go and check the place out BEFORE we move and he did. Good news is we LOVE Rancho Cucamonga. The girls commented to me that Rancho seemed comfortable and like home from the very beginning. We can now go from being fearful of what God is leading to being excited about it.

On the nearly 3000 mile one way journey we got to see so much amazing country side. Every state we traveled across had it own vibe to it, they were as diverse as the country side. One part of the journey that seemed particularly long was the desert. While traversing the stretching landscape of the desert God reminded me of the churchy saying, "Well I am in a desert place right now." As a Florida girl when I heard that saying I thought about the old movies where the person got lost in the Sahara and the only thing around them was blowing sand and brown lots and lots of brown.  That maybe accurate of some deserts but not the ones I traveled through.

God reminded me that I have been in a desert place since Gary's death. Sort of wandering around not the least bit confident in myself and not sure the direction that I was supposed to travel. God told me pay attention the next few hours and see what it is to be in a desert place. We started out with the big Sahara like sand, hot and no shade and you could almost hear that whistle that you here in cowboy movies when the bad guy comes in.

Then as we traveled on we ran across a water station that someone made up for travelers. They were large tanks that I guess you could give to your animal or fill your car. They were open to anyone. That struck me as interesting. Someone came and made a place for people to get water in the middle of nothingness.  Then I thought how many times in my journey has there been a similar refreshment.

As we moved on we started to see these big boulders and as we went the boulders got more plentiful and then they started to be stacked on top of one another. They looked like God had a Jinga set in the middle of the desert. One of the girls commented, "Do you think God made the rocks like that just to make us smile?" We were still in the desert place but in that desert place God was there and he made us smile with his crazy creations.

As we moved on toward California we got a little scarred when out of the corner of our eyes we spotted what looked like a tornado. It took me a minute to calm myself down but then I noticed the beauty of the dancing sand. It looked like a scary tornado at first then they became fascinating to us and we even would try and time it to where they would blow over our car. How many times has something that I thought was terrifying became something cherished since I have been in my desert place?

The sand tornados never went away they were always catching my eye letting me know that even though no one was around that I was not alone. We went from the sand to the giant heavenly Jinga game then we moved into the desert mountains. Again my brain went to the old west movies where there were just a ton of sandy rock mountains but that is far from what it is. The rock is a veritable rainbow of colors. If you look at the rocks you can see the layers of the rock and the history in that rock. That beautiful mountain of rock was not just created it was built season after season through all sorts of climate changes and disasters. Everything that rock went through came together to make something amazingly beautiful.

We still had to journey onward with a few people on the road with us now but not very many folks and when you looked off road a midst the sand tornados and the amazing rock mountains you still didn't see a soul, no houses no businesses (including gas stations) The journey was amazingly beautiful though. The rock mountains showed reds and golds and in one place the brown sand was interrupted by a couple of miles of white sand. At the end of our desert journey we were about to run out of gas. Let me tell you from experience make sure your tank is full because there is no Shell station out there. Near the end I was beginning to ask myself if AAA would make a gas delivery at the cross of a bunch of sand and a bunch of rocks?

I was on E now and there was nothing around and you could see for miles. I got my girls involved, I asked them please oh please pray we make it to a gas station. They did and a few minutes later right outside of Palm springs we ran into a place that had a gas station ( thank GOD) and a Burger King and a T-Rex. Yep you read that right. In the parking lot was a group of Dinos lead by T-Rex. You couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing and how amazingly cute they were. We fueled up the car and us and we moved on into the desert place and eventually the desert faded and we moved onto a mountain top experience and the place we want to move to is in the valley but it is surrounded on all sides by the tall majestic mountains. God reminded me on this journey to find the beauty in whatever place you find yourself to be. People say that God isn't in the desert places. He is you just have to look a little harder to recognize him.

I came out of this trip with a new confidence in myself. I always go back to a word a friend gave me that said I was enough. This trip I had to be enough or we would have failed and I was. Directionally challenged me made it from Florida to California and back with three teenage girls.

I also got a new appreciation for my girls, they were amazing they knew when to leave me alone and stew over traffic and they knew when to tell me funny stories and make me laugh so I wouldn't fall asleep. They encouraged me about the move when they asked, "Can we just stay here in Rancho, I love it here?" Today at the end of the journey they gave me a high five and told me they were proud of me. All three of them are pretty amazing.

tI have had my sac cloth and ashes on for three years now and have wandered around in the desert place missing the beauty of the place I was in. Now I can look back and recognize a lot of the beauty I missed. I look forward to moving forward to a new place and I am going to make sure I stop and look around and appreciate the beauty of whatever comes next. I will move on to the next phase of my life with the knowledge that I am enough and God is there with me whether I am in the desert place or on top of the mountain.