Hitting the road Jack or Jackie in our case...

Wow, the last couple of months have been so depressing. Money has been tight and I mean squeaking out the quarters kind of tight. I don't have a job or benefits and school is taking forever to finish, Annie kept having seizures, I couldn't afford my medication and I just wanted to sit in a pile of ashes and use broken pottery to pick my scabs (Job reference).

I went to church and I laid it out there for all to see. I put how bad things have been on my communication card and I think I was even lower spiritually then right after Gary died. I cried out to God that sunday and told him exactly how he can solve my problems. Funny thing is, when you tell God how to solve your issues I think he just laughs at you. After I calmed down, God reminded me of a small retirement fund that was available to take some funds from and so I did. I took enough to catch up on my mortgage, buy a month of the pricey medication and pay most of my credit card off. Talk about stress relief. That was super stress relief.

Well now that I felt better God started talking again and we got on the subject of summertime. A few days latter I find out I have a few thousand dollars coming from grants at school and God says to me well it is time to hit the road. You know where I want you to move to (Rancho Cucamonga, California) it is time to drive out there and bring your resume and start planting some seeds for you and the girls to move out there.

I know it is totally crazy to jump in the car and drive 2800 miles one way on a whim and a prayer but that is what we are going to do. Not going to tell you when we are leaving cause that would be sort of cray cray to do on a public blog but at some point in the near future we are going to set out for the great unknown. I am going to go armed with copies of my book (if you haven't read it yet, shame on you :)) and a jazzed up version of my resume and see how God uses it all. I am hoping to find groups to speak to about my book and my testimony but even if that part of the trip doesn't work out it will be 20 days of special once in a lifetime memories for the girls and I.

We are planning on seeing things like Bourbon Street, Tennessee aquarium, the Alamo, area 51, grand canyon, Vegas baby, the pacific, route 66, and of course we will visit Homecoming at terra vista in Rancho Cucamonga to see if the apartments are truly as nice as they seem online.

I am not sure what will come from this trip other than callouses on our hineys and we will be on a super tight budget but I have learned when you go into something with no firm expectations and no money is when really cool stuff happens.

Please be in prayer for us and about the godly appointments we will have on the road. I have no idea what God is doing in our lives right now. In a way it is really scary. I am having to walk the path that God is showing me (achingly slow) and trust him to be the father to the fatherless and the husband to the widow.

Steven Curtis Chapman has a new song called the Glorious unfolding and that song speaks to my life right now in so many ways. I am looking forward to taking this next step on my unfolding and see how God uses this trip and who he will bring across our path.

As always I covet your prayers. August will be three years since Gary left us to go to heaven and in some ways I feel like I am a completely different person but then there are months like the last couple where the only thought I had was God screwed up and took the wrong parent, Gary would have been so much better at this than me. That is the truth, he would have been better at this than me but I am the one that was left and I have stuff to do and accomplish. I still have to remind myself of the word from God a friend gave me a week before Gary was diagnosed, she said God wanted to remind me that I was enough.

That is something I think every woman and mother in the world needs to remember.

Thank you for continuing the journey with me and you can find my book "My Journey through the fiery furnace" on Barnes and Noble or amazon.com or on the various ebook platforms.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rolTdI7I_4M

                     This is the logo Merry created for our out of the ruins time




Does anyone ever have anxiety jump on them out of the blue? Today the girls ran into Target to pick up a couple of things and I sat in the car (yes they are teens I can do that now) with the radio pumping and my game up on my phone. I was thrilled I had just gotten past a level I have been stuck at for a week and then the anxiety wave hit me. 

The thoughts came fast and furious, "Wow you are really pretty useless. You cant even get a job", "You are pathetic to think that you, YOU can ever get a job as a writer"and a whole bunch of other stuff that I wont write down. I sat there and the muscles in my neck just twisted up and within five minute the tight muscles turned into a killer headache. 

I have enjoyed the last two and a half years skimming through life living on life insurance. In a lot of ways that cushion of money helped me to live in a bubble and not really face what life was going to be like for the girls and I. 

Now I am back to counting my pennies and reality is crashing down on me. I have chosen a career path based on a lot of prayer and consideration but up to this point the only pay for my work I have gotten has been an attaboy.

Don't get me wrong I LOVE those. I write fanfiction and my last story had 223 positive reviews and 1 negative one. Can you guess which one I dwelled on?

I have faith that I am exactly where I am supposed to be ( I think). It is so hard though. Cassie asked, "Why don't you look for a job in another field?" My answer is doing what? 

I am not a skilled laborer. I am 40 years old and only worked a year of my life and that was answering phones part time and teaching water therapy the other half. I need a secretary, I could never be one. I have a lot of OJT as a nurse and pharmacist but that wouldn't get me a job. There is also that thing about me running away if someone throws up that kept me from finishing the premed thing I had going for a while. I can handle blood and guts (if it isn't my kids's) but let me even hear someone throw up and I am around the corner doing the same. 

I am in that horrible hurry up and wait stage in my life and I HATE it. When things don't happen immediately I fear that I made the wrong choices. 

I say that I wish God would send it to me in writing that I am doing the right thing and you know what he does sometimes and I STILL don't believe him. 

                                             One of the times he sent it to me in writing :)


I am rambling tonight and I am sorry. I ask that you would pray for some God confidence for me. 

Not that life itself doesn't bring enough condemnation but I saw my poor self esteem show up as a quality in my girls. Merry is one of the most talented kids I know and she only can see the flaws in what she does and not how amazing it is that she did it to begin with. 

I want to be an example to my girls of strength and tenacity. I want defy the odds and land a well paying writing job in Southern California with a part time gig on the radio and I want to stand tall and not let fear stop me from doing anything. 

Thank you for walking this out with me. The pastor at church has been doing a series about coming out of the ruins. Every week one of my girls looks at me at some point in the sermon and mouths, "That was just for you from God". 

My faith was at a real low today. I came home and went through old photos and treasures. PS if you are all ready down just skip the whole go through your dead husbands stuff; it will just make it worse. 

I did get a little faith boost tonight. A friend posted a pic of an article I wrote that I didn't think made it through editing. That is always cool to have someone post your work on your page. 

Life is so stinking hard sometimes. I know in the end it will all be worth the struggle. I really look forward to seeing what comes out of the ruins of my life. 

                      The Relay is a really great thing to be a part of.

I guess I should start out with HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I know that is 40 days late, but hey better late than never. :)

I cannot believe that it is 2014. This is going to be a  pivotal year for the Schriver Girls. I think the last two and a half years has been mourning  and trying to make peace with this new life. Now as we go into the third year without Gary life is going to be changing and changing a lot.

I have been flitting through the past few years without a real purpose or goal in mind other than survival. God asked me as we started this New year to begin to examine myself and set some goals.
Let me add a disclaimer first, My main goal is to be a Mom to those three amazing young women but to be fair that has always been my main purpose and even though the job duties will change it will always remain the top purpose to my life.

What I want out of myself this year-

I want to be creative.

I want to begin new projects.

I want to do things that scare the living fudge out of me and do them well.

I want to be open to ANY new things that God wants to throw at me.

I want to work on liking myself and figuring out what makes me feel pretty and feminine.

I want to flirt and be flirted with(I got married when I was 19. I am out of practice)

I want to come up with crazy wild dreams and step back and watch God make them happen.

I want to go to Barnes and Noble when my book comes out and take my picture next to the book in the store.

I want to write another book completely fiction though.

I want to see at least 10 different states this year.

I don't want to expand my horizons I want to realize they are as limitless as the horizon in the sky.

I want to bless a widow.

I want stand up in front of a group of women and share my testimony and NOT feel like throwing up.

I want to have an attitude like the person who rides the roller coaster and throws their hands up and enjoys the ride and stop being the wuss that never leaves the starting line.


They aren't exactly New Years Resolutions but they are my goals for 2014. This is the year to let God build something new out of the ruble that is my life now. I have started working on some of these and I am sure the list will be added but I am ready to get Life 2.0 started

Christmas

This is just a short post. I think I am writing this more to get it out of my head than anything else. 

Last night I asked the kids if they were going to be really disappointed if we have to postpone our Disney trip for a week or so. Of course being the good natured kids they are they said no. Merry then said, "Maybe we can spend Christmas morning in Disney, we can bring a little tree and everything" then she got quieter, "I wouldn't mind not being here on Christmas too many memories in this house and the ones I remember are the bad ones."

Anyone ever ask why we do Disney so much I am going to bring them back to this post. I have spent the last two years of my life trying desperately to fill their little minds with good memories.

Part of me is glad the kids were old enough to really have solid memories of their amazing Daddy but Merry who was only 10 when he died doesn't remember anything before cancer. I am not sure what is better not remembering anything or only remembering the bad. 

Okay that is all for my depressing post of the week. I never thought I would dread a holiday especially Christmas. Okay I am going to go eat some chocolate and get over myself :) 

Advent

The girls and I are celebrating Advent. It is a fun way to countdown to Christmas and remember the reason or the season. I found these readings on Focus on the Family.com. Hope everyone has an amazing Christmas season with TONS of memories.

First Week

Sun. Is. 40:1-5
Mon. Is. 52:7-10
Tue. Is. 40:9-11
Wed. Gen. 3:8-15
Thu. Gen. 15:1-6
Fri. Deut. 18:15-19
Sat. Ps. 89:1-4

Second Week

Sun. Is. 11:1-10
Mon. Zech. 6:12-13
Tue. Mic. 5:2-4
Wed. Mal. 3:1-6
Thu. John 1:1-8
Fri. John 1:9-18
Sat. Mark 1:1-3

Third Week

Sun. Luke 1:5-13
Mon. Luke 1:14-17
Tue. Luke 1:18-25
Wed. Luke 1:39-45
Thu. Luke 1:46-56
Fri. Luke 1:57-66
Sat. Luke 1:67-80

Fourth Week

Sun. Is. 7:10-14
Mon. Luke 1:26-35
Tue. Is. 9:2-7
Wed. Mt. 1:18-25
Thu. Luke 2:1-20
Fri. Mt. 2:1-2
Sat. Luke 2:21-35

Being Thankful and other mental ramblings

Thanksgiving plans for us were sort of a bust this year. We had planned to go and eat with Gary's family and I wanted the girls to meet some relatives that they had never really met before. I was was anxious about going but I am anxious about even going to dinner with my side of the family not because anything is wrong with them it is just a reminder of who I do not have with me anymore. 

Well all plans got pitched because I came down with a nasty chest cold. I spent most of Thanksgiving sleeping in a cough syrup induced coma. I did manage to take the girls out to a restaurant that night. 

I was thinking it was going to be really busy but there was only two families in the whole restaurant. It kind of felt like a scene from an old movie (don't remember the movie just the scene) when a single Dad burned Christmas dinner and ended up eating at a Denny's with his disgusted children. That was us but I didn't even try to cook and my girls roll with the punches and they were stoked to be eating at their favorite restaurant. 

While we waited for our food we did the traditional thing and asked each other what we were thankful for. 

The thing I was most thankful for are my girls. They are the single biggest source of stress and worry in my life but they are also the biggest source of joy and laughter in my life. I really could not have asked for any better children. 

Thanksgiving morning Merry decorated the tree for us and watched a how to video on making pancakes and after successfully making a stack of pancakes brought them to me in bed. She apologized for the food being simple but I was almost in tears, so touched that she would even think about doing such a sweet thing. 

I call my girls the anti teens. I always heard that teens are withdrawn and don't want to be with their parent but not my chickens. I cant even potty without one of them hanging by the door chatting about what they want to be when they grow up or what is happening in their daydreams. 

When their Daddy died I told them that we had to be a team if we were going to survive and a team is what we are. I am so grateful for them plus they are wickedly funny especially my little one. Little one has this ascorbic whit that keeps me rolling. 

My Middle daughter has matured by leaps and bounds since her Dad died. She is sort of my Mommy 2 she helps keep her sisters in check and is often times my sounding board and encourager. 

My eldest has had a tough year physically but she is always willing to jump in and help. She has such a sweet and willing heart. 

I laid in bed this morning in between coughing fits and tried to think about other things that I am super grateful for this year. A lot of self realization has happened this year for me. I think the biggest thing that has happened is how I see myself. I used to tell Gary, "I have a lot of aquaintices but I don't think their is anyone who would really count me as a friend."

 Gary would try and show me I was wrong but I never saw it. I think it really hit home when I was planning my 40th. I invited a bunch of people but honestly I would have been thrilled if one or two people came and I was preparing myself for no one coming. We had thirteen ladies there. I was this cross between stunned silent and giddy the whole night. I felt like Sally Field when she accepted her oscar. I couldn't get the smile off of my face for a week. 

It felt so good to think that I have been a blind fool,I do have friends :) I guess I hide it well but I have a horrible problem with self worth and to think that thirteen ladies would give up an evening at home to come and help me celebrate it was was definitely something to be thankful for. 

The other thing I am thankful for is new opportunities. I have dreamed for a long time about doing things and was petrified at the thought of even trying but this year I got to do them and now I am not so afraid of them anymore. 

My writing weather it has been on fanfiction.net, in the Pv and Atlantic beach life magazine or in school. In September when I started writing I was terrified that I would suck and critics would come back and say something like, "God bless you you tried" or "Honey writing is not your gifting". My articles have been well received and my fanfiction site gets nearly twenty thousand hits a month. 

I also got the chance to be on the radio. Realistically I am not sure if anyone really listens to me but I have had the opportunity to create, write, produce and voice my own radio show and I have had so much fun doing it. I hope that radio is apart of the big picture God is painting of my life right now. 

For the first time in 5 years I am actually looking forward to the this next year. Looking forward to cultivating and appreciating friendships, looking forward to trying even more new things and looking forward to the new adventures that await the girls and I.

I am so thankful that God is watching out for me and nothing we ever face or go through is done alone. 

I feel like I am starting to sound a little like a Hallmark movie but its all true. I guess I have existed in a constant state of numb the last few years. When Gary was battling cancer all my energy went into him and I wouldn't change a moment of any of the time I spent taking care of him. It was the hardest thing in my life and I felt like a part of me was dying with him but he died knowing he was loved and cherished and I think God I was able to give him that gift. 

For probably the first 6 months after he passed it was just numb. I honestly didn't know what I was going to do with myself.

After I got over the first 6 months I got a fresh vision for what I was to do and I started back to school. Not only has school been good in respects for a future job but it has helped me start to expand my horizons. 

I sit now with a term and a half left of school (stadium cheer) and I am so excited to soak up every opportunity that God has for me. Best of all my girls are excited about the future. 

They are excited with the possibility of moving next year. None of us want to leave our church, friends and family but the idea of going somewhere where there is no sad memories only the opportunity to make fresh ones it is exciting. 

I am thankful for this blog and the people who read it. Gary and I started the Cancer Blog the Schriver marathon as a way to keep family informed but soon it became written therapy for us. I hope you can see that this blog is the same for me now. 

Some things that I ask you to be in prayer about. Our family insurance got canceled. I am trying to get the kids on medicaid but I also need to find some insurance for me. I have too many serious health issues to go long without coverage. 

The other thing is in January I am going to really start putting myself out there for a  job. There are so many things I would love to do but I don't want what is good I want what is perfect and ordained by God.

Thank you all for reading and if I dont post again before the new year please know that the girls and I wish for you the Merriest of Christmas's.

I have really stunk at keeping up this Blog lately, I am sorry. The last few months I have been going through a lot of emotions and fighting with God over some stuff.

Back in August after leaving church I felt like God said, "How do you feel about moving?" That took me by surprise. From that moment that God put that thought in my head. The house and the area that had been giving me comfort began to almost smother me. I realized that I couldn't even sit in a parking lot around the corner without being barraged by painful memories.

God started my mind to wandering and I looked into several areas that were job hot spots for someone with a communication degree. I looked into Canada but it is Canada and I am a Florida girl. I would like to visit but I don't think I want to live there.

Then I looked at New York, again I really want to visit there especially at Christmas but live there? Nah. Then I looked at Los Angeles. I immediately blew that off, I am not a young skinny beautiful thing, I am not a person who will be a yes man to some self absorbed movie producer ( I know I am stereotyping big time. I am just trying to be honest here) and living in LA as a single mom with three teenage daughters 2000 miles away from any family, ah no.

My mind wouldn't leave California. One day on the way home from Church (Cathartic moments always happen on the way home from church) I randomly asked the girls, "So what would you think if I told you we were moving to California?" I was fully expecting wailing and gnashing of teeth but they all perked up and answered, "REALLY, when can we go?"

I rolled my eyes at God at that point because on the inside I was telling God that I could never rip the girls away from what they have known their entire life and put them in a situation where I was working full time and they were on their own in a strange place. They would never go for that. Turns out, they were feeling the same things I was feeling. The things that once brought us comfort were feeling more like weights around our neck keeping us from moving forward.

When I say moving forward I will NEVER forget Gary. He was my everything, when he died he took a good chunk of my heart with him. I also know that he wanted more than anything else for me to LIVE and use the gifts that God placed in me. His last real conversation with me was speaking over me what he felt like God was calling me to do and speaking a blessing over the man that God had to take his place has head of the house. He told me to that he saw me becoming a writer and sharing my story with groups and he told me that I had a cache of giftings inside of me that I haven't even begun to touch yet and God was going to birth those giftings out and it will be such an amazing surprise. He also spoke over tha man that would take his position as head of the house one day and said "May he be so loved by the girls that they want him to walk them down the isle" then he gave a blessing for my benefit to this unknown person. :)


Okay let me come back on track from my little bunny trail. California was always on my mind so I started for grins and giggles to look at apartments in LA. Nothing stuck my fancy at least not at the price I could comprehend paying. I could find a bunch for 10 million dollars but who couldn't :)

God led Cassie and I to a small town not to far outside of LA called Rancho Cucamonga (silly name). This is a small planned community at the base of the mountains. They even have their own youtube channel with there own theme song. One of the desires I had was an apartment in a gated community. I found one in Rancho with the bedrooms that we needed and the price we could afford. The community has family pizza nights where you can get pizzas at the main office, movie nights and even their very own Relay for Life. This place looks like it was created from my dream list of apartments.

The girls and I fell in love with the apartment and the community and the area around it. Before we knew it we were envisioning bringing visitors to the outside fireplace and they have all ready decorated their rooms. It was a perfect match for us.

Now comes the hard part finding a job and watching God meet the list of about a dozen things that will have to happen to be able to move. Our home will always be here, family is here and our church family is here but all of us feel like to continue to grow and move forward we have to make some drastic changes in our life.

The plan is to finish college this next summer and then look for a job and move us to California by fall of 2014. That is the plan we made, God's plans can be very different. I feel like this is a plan from God but I am open and so are the girls for anything that God may have for us. I do know that 2014 is a year of change for a lot of people. As we have contemplated change I have found many of my friends tell me that there is change on the horizon for them as well.

I was never a big fan of change. Since Gary died my whole life has been one big change. I am scared but I am also excited. I can picture Gary standing beside us cheering us on. I know that even if he was alive and God wanted me to move for my career he would pack up and move in a minute.

My career that leads me to the last point in this post. I spent a bunch of time while we were recently at Disney World thinking about a question Cassie asked me. She got frustrated with my wishy washy answers and asked me, "What do you want to do with your life, really want to do for a job?" Communications majors have a pretty wide range of job possibilities  but what do I want. I managed to write out a list and a mission statement of exactly what I want. Now we have purpose, we have direction and a place to call home once we get there now we are waiting on the GO from God.

Oh and I have to update you all on my Radio show, I am up to SEVEN shows that all run about 90 minutes each. I have had so much FUN with this radio show. I cant tell you how cool it has been, I look forward to having them throughout the Christmas season. I also had someone recognize me for my writing in the Ponte Vedra and Atlantic beach living magazine. I had a smile on my face all day after that. Still finishing playing email tag with my publisher but the book will be out in 2014 as well. All these things that I always wished I could one day do I am doing them and I am so excited. I still struggle with almost paralyzing nerves but I have a lot of close friends that tell me to get over myself and go for it. It is so amazing to start to live out dreams. 2014 is going to hold so much for the girls and I.

I hope you weren't to shocked over this announcement. We as always covet your prayers. With great change comes great trials and great nerves. I don't want to miss one thing that God has for the girls and I because I am afraid. I want to be cautious and make right choices because hey it just isn't my life I will screw up here. I don't want fear to stop us from having all the blessings God has for us, I feel like he has put dreams inside of me and I cannot wait to see those dreams become our reality.


Life 2.0 it is a God thing ( the logo Merry came up with for us.)