I am writing this at 3 in the morning so I am not sure what this will look like. I have been trying to proof my posts and make them as neat as possible but it is late so be merciful.
Since Gary's death the girls have taken on certain aspects of life that Gary handled. Stuff like killing bugs and taking out the trash is Annie. Computer stuff is handled by Merry and the occasional heart to heart to encourage is being handled by Cassie.
Tonight was one of those nights. Cassie is so funny when Gary died she was PISSED at me (I know that is not a nice word but it is appropriate for how much she hated me) I honestly spent many hours praying not to loose her. I would beg God to let Gary come and give her a talking too.
Well tonight we had a heart to heart. We have been discussing as a family our plans for the future. She asked me if I had heard any direction from God lately (how cool is that for your kid to ask that) and I was honest, I told her that I felt like God told me to pray specifically.
Pray for what I want to happen. I told her that is kinda the problem I am not really sure if God came down and gave me a blank check for the next five years what I would ask him for.
I told her that I long for a relationship again but I know that is not what God wants from me right now.
I told her part of me wishes I could just go back to being a wife and mom again and not worry about careers or paying bills. I know that God wants me to figure out who I am and what I can become with God's help before I become anyone else's wife again.
I told her that I wished I would have taken time after high school to figure these things out but the allure of becoming Mrs. Gary Schriver was too much (I am not a patient person).
This part is where she blew me away. I told her that I am grateful I didn't wait though because Gary was instrumental in molding me into the person I am today and that person might just be able to make this new life work, with Gods help.
She told me that I can't give Daddy all the credit for molding me, he did work hard in molding and developing me but she said all of his work would have been for nothing if I didn't allow myself to grow and be changed. She told me I should be proud of myself because alot lumps try to get made into something beautiful but they don't let the sculptor work.
She hit on the real issue in my heart. I know what I desire for our life in the next 5 years but honestly I don't think I deserve the things I want.
I always thought I did good work because Gary was behind me. Cassie told me that yeah Daddy (Gary) helped alot but he didn't do that stuff for you he was just your cheerleader and he still is.
Out of the mouths of babes. Now I am going to spend the weekend making a list of my hearts desires for the next 5 years and we will see what happens.
I did one of those lists for my future husband and God answered every single one of the requests down to feet bigger than mine.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
Specters of the past and the Threshold of Change..
Been thinking a lot about the past and the future lately. The girls and I about to hit the two year mark since we lost Gary/Daddy. Two years seems like it went by in a flash and took ten years all at the same time.
I have come to an unfortunate realization that the girls do not remember much about their Daddy before cancer destroyed our lives and took his. I will live the rest of my days trying remind them of the incredible father that they had.
It is kind of sad that while my girls cant remember the past I cant seem to forget it. Everywhere I turn there are specters from the past. Church is one of them. I have gone to CRC for 20 years and I don't have the desire to go anywhere else. I love my church and the new leadership that just took over excites me about the church's future. My issues are those darn specters of the past. I can't go to sunday service without seeing Gary standing on stage in his faded black pants and worn leather belt and his too big for him "Choir"shirt
It is kind of sad that while my girls cant remember the past I cant seem to forget it. Everywhere I turn there are specters from the past. Church is one of them. I have gone to CRC for 20 years and I don't have the desire to go anywhere else. I love my church and the new leadership that just took over excites me about the church's future. My issues are those darn specters of the past. I can't go to sunday service without seeing Gary standing on stage in his faded black pants and worn leather belt and his too big for him "Choir"shirt
They have been asking me lately if I am going to start dating again soon since it has been two years. I told them I am not trying but I wouldn't not date if I ever had the chance too. I asked them if I ever remarried what qualities would you want in a 2nd husband/step Dad. You know what they said. I just about cried from the sweetness of their hearts when they told me what they are praying for in a step Dad,
1) Someone who would take them on summer mission trips every summer
and
2) Someone who they would like enough to ask them to walk them down the isle.
I adore my babies and their sweet hearts. They are such amazing blessings to me. When I was at my deepest depression in the past two years they were the ones that kept me moving forward. The desire to make them proud of their mommy got me back in school and gave me reasons to wake up every morning.
Last week I was in Church and the pastor talked about having a dream about the Church being at the threshold of thresholds or the start of something new. God just screamed into my spirit that my little family is at the threshold of thresholds. What that is going to mean for us I am not a 100% sure yet.
I really wish God would come down and give the cliff note version of what life is going to hold for us in the next few years. I would feel so much better about the future if I could get a run down of what job I will hold, if the kids get into a descent college, where we will live. I guess none of us get that kind of special treatment from God do we.
Everything that I was and everything that I found my identity in is now gone and to be honest I am fearful that I am not going to be good enough or brave enough to fulfill the things God has for me. I am not even sure if I trust my own judgment when it comes to my future.
I remember when I began this journey of self realization while Gary was alive. I feel like I got pretty clear direction from God about where my professional life was going to go I couldn't or maybe wouldn't believe what I felt God say and I came to Gary with it fully expecting him to agree with my doubts but he didn't. He smiled this huge smile and said, "I was wondering how long it would take you to figure this out."
As we approach the two year mark and we look into an ever changing future I ask you to keep us in your prayers. My faith issues aren't with God he has proven himself to me over the last 4 years. God has made ways for our family when their was no other way, literally. The miracles that I have seen God do in our family would make a great book (hint hint for upcoming life events).
I need to find faith in myself, faith that God can use me to accomplish things. I need to be confidant in who I am and what God sees in me. I have always struggled with feeling worthy. I look into the faces of my girls and I worry that I wont be good enough to provide for them. I am the Queen of self doubt.
I want everything that God has for our little family and I don't want a lifetime of fear and self doubt stand in the way of getting it. I don't want to get by I want to flourish. I want to get to heaven and hear well done.
In short as we hit the two year mark I need to throw off the grave clothes and begin to live my life in the way Gary wanted me to live my life. Some of his last words to me were not to be afraid.
This past weekend I asked God to speak to me. I told God I know you aren't going to give me the details but I need to hear form you about our future and he used two instances to say pretty much the same thing to me.
Thank God he knows I am really hard headed and need him to repeat himself the first came in the words spoken by Paul Wilbur (who was Gary's absolutely favorite worship leader) at the beginning of his message to us at church.
The second came in the word of the day from KLOVE that came to my email that afternoon.
This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again!
~ Ezekiel 37:5, NLT
The video of the Paul Wilbur message can be seen at http://www.redeemerfamily.tv/messages/2013/07-21-13/video.html
Both said the same thing to me. For four years we have either lived in the midst of Cancer slowly taking Gary from us or we have been mourning him and the life that we had with him. God graciously allowed us the freedom and provision to mourn Gary without worry. Now the time for mourning is done and life has to begin again.
1) Someone who would take them on summer mission trips every summer
and
2) Someone who they would like enough to ask them to walk them down the isle.
I adore my babies and their sweet hearts. They are such amazing blessings to me. When I was at my deepest depression in the past two years they were the ones that kept me moving forward. The desire to make them proud of their mommy got me back in school and gave me reasons to wake up every morning.
Last week I was in Church and the pastor talked about having a dream about the Church being at the threshold of thresholds or the start of something new. God just screamed into my spirit that my little family is at the threshold of thresholds. What that is going to mean for us I am not a 100% sure yet.
I really wish God would come down and give the cliff note version of what life is going to hold for us in the next few years. I would feel so much better about the future if I could get a run down of what job I will hold, if the kids get into a descent college, where we will live. I guess none of us get that kind of special treatment from God do we.
Everything that I was and everything that I found my identity in is now gone and to be honest I am fearful that I am not going to be good enough or brave enough to fulfill the things God has for me. I am not even sure if I trust my own judgment when it comes to my future.
I remember when I began this journey of self realization while Gary was alive. I feel like I got pretty clear direction from God about where my professional life was going to go I couldn't or maybe wouldn't believe what I felt God say and I came to Gary with it fully expecting him to agree with my doubts but he didn't. He smiled this huge smile and said, "I was wondering how long it would take you to figure this out."
As we approach the two year mark and we look into an ever changing future I ask you to keep us in your prayers. My faith issues aren't with God he has proven himself to me over the last 4 years. God has made ways for our family when their was no other way, literally. The miracles that I have seen God do in our family would make a great book (hint hint for upcoming life events).
I need to find faith in myself, faith that God can use me to accomplish things. I need to be confidant in who I am and what God sees in me. I have always struggled with feeling worthy. I look into the faces of my girls and I worry that I wont be good enough to provide for them. I am the Queen of self doubt.
I want everything that God has for our little family and I don't want a lifetime of fear and self doubt stand in the way of getting it. I don't want to get by I want to flourish. I want to get to heaven and hear well done.
In short as we hit the two year mark I need to throw off the grave clothes and begin to live my life in the way Gary wanted me to live my life. Some of his last words to me were not to be afraid.
This past weekend I asked God to speak to me. I told God I know you aren't going to give me the details but I need to hear form you about our future and he used two instances to say pretty much the same thing to me.
Thank God he knows I am really hard headed and need him to repeat himself the first came in the words spoken by Paul Wilbur (who was Gary's absolutely favorite worship leader) at the beginning of his message to us at church.
The second came in the word of the day from KLOVE that came to my email that afternoon.
This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again!
~ Ezekiel 37:5, NLT
The video of the Paul Wilbur message can be seen at http://www.redeemerfamily.tv/messages/2013/07-21-13/video.html
Both said the same thing to me. For four years we have either lived in the midst of Cancer slowly taking Gary from us or we have been mourning him and the life that we had with him. God graciously allowed us the freedom and provision to mourn Gary without worry. Now the time for mourning is done and life has to begin again.
Monday, May 27, 2013
A Legacy
I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about families and legacies. My in laws celebrated 50 years of marriage this past weekend. At the dinner celebrating their anniversary I thought alot about family legacy and dynamics.
In one room was The matriarch of the family Margaret Mercer. I don't think anyone that meets her,would argue she is one of the most godly women on this planet. She is genuine and loving and would do anything in the world for you. Well until you mess with one of her kids or grandkids then she is a feisty little thing.
She accepted me as a Granddaughter immediately. I will never forget at my lingerie shower she was the one who gave me the naughtiest nighty.
When Gary died she was the first person that talked to me as one widow to another and that gave me this amazing sense of belonging.
She is a neat lady she grew up in the depression so she tends not to throw much away. Gary would smile when we visited because he would find a card that he made her from elementary school. She adores her family and it shows.
Then there were Gary's parents still going strong after 50 years of marriage. In todays world 50 is a reason to celebrate.
They spent their lives pouring into their boys that started to arrive not too long into their marriage. Dad worked tirelessly to financially provide and his Mom stayed home and raised the boys. They decided that Mom needed to be there when the boys came home from school and be available to be room mother and such.
They took family vacations and made sure they all connected around the dinner table. When the boys moved out Mom would make hand written recipe boxes for the boys and Dad got Gary a tool box with the basics in it. They led by example of how to love your spouse and your kids.
Gary laughed that there was even times when Dad would look at the boys and say, "This is how you DON'T be a husband or Dad" They had three boys who all turned out to be professional men with wonderful families of their own. Two computer programmers and a Vice Principal.
Gary took the lessons he learned from his parents and developed into an amazing partner and Father. So amazing I cannot fathom ever marrying another man because no one would even compare with him. My girls have a picture in their head of what kind of man they want to marry because of their Daddy. Knowing they are going to hold out to find a man as wonderful as their Daddy makes me want to hug and all the people that influenced him.
As a Mom I do the best that I can and hope the therapy bills wont add up to too much. Reality wise sometimes I feel like I am making zero progress and will undoubtedly screw my children up for life. I look at the complete picture of the Schriver-Mercer family and I see a bunch of imperfect people putting in a hundred percent of love and the end result has been a legacy that will love on well past any of us. The things that as a parent we worry about most are not that important in the long run.
I know my girls will remember the trip to the dollar store in Great Grandma's car for the rest of their lives. I know I will remember not having two nickels to rub together and Grandma Mercer taking us out to lunch when we visited.
I will remember just about dropping from exhaustion and Gary's mom camping out in his room for a night so I could get more than an hour sleep.
How Dad brought Gary over to the house without me and sat him down and promised to look after the girls and I in case the worst and then keeping his promise.
Having the privilege of seeing the big picture in the Schrivers made me appreciate my parents as well. It makes me sad to think that my kids did not get to meet their Great Grands on my side of the family. They were a colorful bunch.
But on Memorial Day I think back on my Dad who worked the last few months of his life getting all the paperwork together to be buried in Arlington. He told me that if nothing else his Grandkids and Great grandkids can visit Arlington with school or on vacation and be proud to tell their friends that they have a Grandfather buried here, it will give them a legacy to be proud of. That conversation is why my sister and I worked so hard for my brother to be buried there as well.
Families are not perfect and they take many shapes and sizes but it is such an amazing thing to see how God can take a Man and a Woman and turn their love into a legacy that lasts a lot longer then they will.
I smile to think of families in my Church. This year will be my 20th year at my church (I feel old now).I first knew the Grandparents and Parents of the family and then watched their children grow form children to teens to adults now with their own families. I got to witness parents who weeped over children who began to stray then got to celebrate when those children came back and now are amazing adults.
God is so amazing to grant us the privilege of being able to influence generations. Max Lucado compared our lives to Haley's comet. We are unique and only come along once in a lifetime and we make an indelible mark our surroundings.
I am in the middle of redefining myself and what it is to be a family for my girls. I hope that as God walks me through the redefinition of who I am our family unit will be redefined as well and the amazing legacy that began a hundred years ago with Godly people leading simple lives and loving their families will last far past the time I am long gone.
Happy Memorial Day..
In one room was The matriarch of the family Margaret Mercer. I don't think anyone that meets her,would argue she is one of the most godly women on this planet. She is genuine and loving and would do anything in the world for you. Well until you mess with one of her kids or grandkids then she is a feisty little thing.
She accepted me as a Granddaughter immediately. I will never forget at my lingerie shower she was the one who gave me the naughtiest nighty.
When Gary died she was the first person that talked to me as one widow to another and that gave me this amazing sense of belonging.
She is a neat lady she grew up in the depression so she tends not to throw much away. Gary would smile when we visited because he would find a card that he made her from elementary school. She adores her family and it shows.
Then there were Gary's parents still going strong after 50 years of marriage. In todays world 50 is a reason to celebrate.
They spent their lives pouring into their boys that started to arrive not too long into their marriage. Dad worked tirelessly to financially provide and his Mom stayed home and raised the boys. They decided that Mom needed to be there when the boys came home from school and be available to be room mother and such.
They took family vacations and made sure they all connected around the dinner table. When the boys moved out Mom would make hand written recipe boxes for the boys and Dad got Gary a tool box with the basics in it. They led by example of how to love your spouse and your kids.
Gary laughed that there was even times when Dad would look at the boys and say, "This is how you DON'T be a husband or Dad" They had three boys who all turned out to be professional men with wonderful families of their own. Two computer programmers and a Vice Principal.
Gary took the lessons he learned from his parents and developed into an amazing partner and Father. So amazing I cannot fathom ever marrying another man because no one would even compare with him. My girls have a picture in their head of what kind of man they want to marry because of their Daddy. Knowing they are going to hold out to find a man as wonderful as their Daddy makes me want to hug and all the people that influenced him.
As a Mom I do the best that I can and hope the therapy bills wont add up to too much. Reality wise sometimes I feel like I am making zero progress and will undoubtedly screw my children up for life. I look at the complete picture of the Schriver-Mercer family and I see a bunch of imperfect people putting in a hundred percent of love and the end result has been a legacy that will love on well past any of us. The things that as a parent we worry about most are not that important in the long run.
I know my girls will remember the trip to the dollar store in Great Grandma's car for the rest of their lives. I know I will remember not having two nickels to rub together and Grandma Mercer taking us out to lunch when we visited.
I will remember just about dropping from exhaustion and Gary's mom camping out in his room for a night so I could get more than an hour sleep.
How Dad brought Gary over to the house without me and sat him down and promised to look after the girls and I in case the worst and then keeping his promise.
Having the privilege of seeing the big picture in the Schrivers made me appreciate my parents as well. It makes me sad to think that my kids did not get to meet their Great Grands on my side of the family. They were a colorful bunch.
But on Memorial Day I think back on my Dad who worked the last few months of his life getting all the paperwork together to be buried in Arlington. He told me that if nothing else his Grandkids and Great grandkids can visit Arlington with school or on vacation and be proud to tell their friends that they have a Grandfather buried here, it will give them a legacy to be proud of. That conversation is why my sister and I worked so hard for my brother to be buried there as well.
Families are not perfect and they take many shapes and sizes but it is such an amazing thing to see how God can take a Man and a Woman and turn their love into a legacy that lasts a lot longer then they will.
I smile to think of families in my Church. This year will be my 20th year at my church (I feel old now).I first knew the Grandparents and Parents of the family and then watched their children grow form children to teens to adults now with their own families. I got to witness parents who weeped over children who began to stray then got to celebrate when those children came back and now are amazing adults.
God is so amazing to grant us the privilege of being able to influence generations. Max Lucado compared our lives to Haley's comet. We are unique and only come along once in a lifetime and we make an indelible mark our surroundings.
I am in the middle of redefining myself and what it is to be a family for my girls. I hope that as God walks me through the redefinition of who I am our family unit will be redefined as well and the amazing legacy that began a hundred years ago with Godly people leading simple lives and loving their families will last far past the time I am long gone.
Happy Memorial Day..
Saturday, April 27, 2013
My eldest turns 16
After a year and a half the bitter sting of loosing Gary is starting to fade a little. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. All I have to do is look into the faces of my girls and I am reminded of the man that holds the other half of their genetic make up.
It is days like tomorrow when we celebrate my eldest 16th birthday that I miss Gary most. Birthdays were always so special to him. They were days to celebrate the person and let that person know how much they are loved. He would always take the girls out and let them pick out their cake and pick out a present.
He had big aspirations for each girls sweet 16.
He wanted to have a blessing for each of the girls when they hit 16. Sort of like a bat mitzvah he wanted to take time on their 16th to bless them with the things that he wanted for them as they begin the process of leaving childhood and entering adulthood.
We are going to do something similar to what he wanted. I am going to have a book and pen out at the party and I am going to ask all the family and friends to write out a wish that they have for Annie as she begins the steep uphill journey to adulthood.
Thankfully, the basics I would want for my girls are there in them all ready. Each one of them loves God and desires to serve him in their life. They know the value of prayer and they have the faith (through the example of the last 3 years) that God is a miracle working God and he is watching out for them. They know what is important to look for in a mate and they have no interest in boys right now other than the casual appreciation of a particularly fine specimen. They see that all those years of mommy and daddy telling them to get a degree in something before you are married is not bad advice as they watch me struggle through getting a degree at almost 40.
I hope for Annie and the others is that they would grow up feeling loved and cherished by their father, me and the strain of the last 3 and a half years will not wear their souls down.
We are still living in a very uncertain place. When Gary was alive they had security. Daddy worked to earn money for us, mommy stayed home and took care of us and got in trouble for spending the money that Daddy made to quickly. Now none of us are sure what tomorrow is going to hold. In a way it is exciting for us all to dream about possibilities of the future but the fear of the unknown is still there and it is really scary.
All of this rambling to say as my eldest turns 16 this year and my baby will be 13 in the fall I am thrilled at the place my girls are in. They have survived things that would kill some people. You know I share a lot but I don't share everything. They went through more and saw more with Gary's illness than any child or adult should ever have to experience and that is with me acting as shield for the really bad stuff.
They have some cracked edges and trips through a therapist office may or may not be in our future but the people that those girls are make a momma proud. They have their issues and their quirks (don't we all) but their fabric is beautiful. I worried when they were babies that my children would be those awful kids that drank and smoked and slept around. My girls cant be farther from that.
They actually got upset with themselves the other day that they aren't like the stereotypical teenager. I had to laugh and thank God they were nothing like MTV says a teenager should be.
There are days when the ever changing emotional outburst of teenage girls make me want to slowly smother them but I know that this phase will pass and if the worst thing I have to deal with is my youngest telling me I am a horrible mother in a fit of rage then I can deal with that. Maybe, hopefully.
Anne Elizabeth, Cassidy Margaret and Merry Caroline. You make your mom and your dad so proud of the young women you all have become. You all have made it through more in your young lives then your Daddy and I ever wanted to put you through but I think it made you guys stronger. I know each one of you will do some amazing things one day. You all are amazing people and it is an honor to know you all and an extreme pleasure for you all to call me mom or woman (inside joke)
I know your Daddy would be so proud of each of you and Annie as you celebrate your 16th birthday tomorrow I know Daddy will be looking down and smiling at you.
It is days like tomorrow when we celebrate my eldest 16th birthday that I miss Gary most. Birthdays were always so special to him. They were days to celebrate the person and let that person know how much they are loved. He would always take the girls out and let them pick out their cake and pick out a present.
He had big aspirations for each girls sweet 16.
He wanted to have a blessing for each of the girls when they hit 16. Sort of like a bat mitzvah he wanted to take time on their 16th to bless them with the things that he wanted for them as they begin the process of leaving childhood and entering adulthood.
We are going to do something similar to what he wanted. I am going to have a book and pen out at the party and I am going to ask all the family and friends to write out a wish that they have for Annie as she begins the steep uphill journey to adulthood.
Thankfully, the basics I would want for my girls are there in them all ready. Each one of them loves God and desires to serve him in their life. They know the value of prayer and they have the faith (through the example of the last 3 years) that God is a miracle working God and he is watching out for them. They know what is important to look for in a mate and they have no interest in boys right now other than the casual appreciation of a particularly fine specimen. They see that all those years of mommy and daddy telling them to get a degree in something before you are married is not bad advice as they watch me struggle through getting a degree at almost 40.
I hope for Annie and the others is that they would grow up feeling loved and cherished by their father, me and the strain of the last 3 and a half years will not wear their souls down.
We are still living in a very uncertain place. When Gary was alive they had security. Daddy worked to earn money for us, mommy stayed home and took care of us and got in trouble for spending the money that Daddy made to quickly. Now none of us are sure what tomorrow is going to hold. In a way it is exciting for us all to dream about possibilities of the future but the fear of the unknown is still there and it is really scary.
All of this rambling to say as my eldest turns 16 this year and my baby will be 13 in the fall I am thrilled at the place my girls are in. They have survived things that would kill some people. You know I share a lot but I don't share everything. They went through more and saw more with Gary's illness than any child or adult should ever have to experience and that is with me acting as shield for the really bad stuff.
They have some cracked edges and trips through a therapist office may or may not be in our future but the people that those girls are make a momma proud. They have their issues and their quirks (don't we all) but their fabric is beautiful. I worried when they were babies that my children would be those awful kids that drank and smoked and slept around. My girls cant be farther from that.
They actually got upset with themselves the other day that they aren't like the stereotypical teenager. I had to laugh and thank God they were nothing like MTV says a teenager should be.
There are days when the ever changing emotional outburst of teenage girls make me want to slowly smother them but I know that this phase will pass and if the worst thing I have to deal with is my youngest telling me I am a horrible mother in a fit of rage then I can deal with that. Maybe, hopefully.
Anne Elizabeth, Cassidy Margaret and Merry Caroline. You make your mom and your dad so proud of the young women you all have become. You all have made it through more in your young lives then your Daddy and I ever wanted to put you through but I think it made you guys stronger. I know each one of you will do some amazing things one day. You all are amazing people and it is an honor to know you all and an extreme pleasure for you all to call me mom or woman (inside joke)
I know your Daddy would be so proud of each of you and Annie as you celebrate your 16th birthday tomorrow I know Daddy will be looking down and smiling at you.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Half Way There
This week I passed the halfway mark in my last term as a junior at the University of North Florida. I have A's in two of my classes and if I keep my nose to the grind stone I will have at least C's in the other classes.
My favorite class has to be Fiction Writing. It is not just because I get the best grades in that class but it lets me be creative for a purpose. After this class I really think I could enjoy writing short stories for magazines or writing for a television show. The kids are voting TV and movie writing for me as a job, for the sole purpose they would get to hang out on a set all day.
My second favorite class is Multimedia reporting. I like that class because it is forcing me to push out of my comfort zone and learn new things. I get to play reporter too and that is a ton of fun. I was told I need to work on my voice though. I am too soft spoken and I need to be more confidant. Confidence is not one of my strong points, it is up there with grammar and spelling.
The girls and I are deep into our year of traveling. We have had 3 separate hotel stays already and I can think of a bunch more to come. We have gotten to enjoy traveling and look forward to that being a part of what ever job God has in store for us.
I got a little God face smack this week, when we were at Disney the lady checking us out was a single mom from Thailand. We got to talking and I told her my story about loosing Gary and going back to school. She made a comment about how nice it must be to have so much help and that she was all alone and she could never go to school.
At first I got a bit perturbed, I thought wait one second, help? I have to take my kids to school with me and they camp outside the door while I am in school. I have to carve out uninterrupted school work time at 3 a.m. after they go to bed. I wanted to say baby I an making this work on my own.
God stopped my thoughts and made me think about the ladies who have proof read my home work the way Gary used too and the friends who have set up new beds and installed broken door knobs. Those are all things that I could not do on my own.
Friends that pick up my girls and take them to meetings so I can have a few hours of peace to actually get something done on my homework. The list could go on and on.
I have Gary's Dad, Mom and brothers who are there for us when we need them and they understand when we are still emotional at family functions.
I have neighbors who are knocking on our door at the slightest hint of something off at the house.
My Mom lives with us some of the time and well I don't have enough space in the whole blog to list the way she helps. We have been without her for months while she recovers from cataract surgery at my sisters. Things are a bunch harder but I think we needed to be able to stand on our own. It will be a blessing though to have her back in a few months.
I am still trying to get comfortable in my own skin, you know looking back I do not think I have ever been comfortable with who I am. I have always said to myself I would be OK if? But God is really pushing me too accept myself for who I am, I am not perfect (far from it) but I am not that bad either. I am going to be entering a work force that is filled with extremely confidant beautiful people and I am going to have to shine a God confidence if I am going to succeed in this field.
At almost 40 I am still such a work in progress. God is the painter of the masterpiece that is my life I just need to stop mucking the picture up and making him have to repaint large sections over and over.
Please be in prayer for us on a couple of things.
My eldest goes in for a biopsy on her neck next week I am praying they can do it in office and not have to take her into the operating room. I am also praying that the biopsy comes back completely benign.
My middle daughters health and some emotional issues that plague my youngest.
Please pray for ridiculous favor for me in my schooling and as I begin to apply for jobs that come up. I have lived comfortably on life insurance for a while now and I need to get a job soon and supplement my income and lean less on life insurance.
My favorite class has to be Fiction Writing. It is not just because I get the best grades in that class but it lets me be creative for a purpose. After this class I really think I could enjoy writing short stories for magazines or writing for a television show. The kids are voting TV and movie writing for me as a job, for the sole purpose they would get to hang out on a set all day.
My second favorite class is Multimedia reporting. I like that class because it is forcing me to push out of my comfort zone and learn new things. I get to play reporter too and that is a ton of fun. I was told I need to work on my voice though. I am too soft spoken and I need to be more confidant. Confidence is not one of my strong points, it is up there with grammar and spelling.
The other two classes I am taking are interesting but honestly when I leave them so will any knowledge I may have gained from them.
The girls and I are deep into our year of traveling. We have had 3 separate hotel stays already and I can think of a bunch more to come. We have gotten to enjoy traveling and look forward to that being a part of what ever job God has in store for us.
I got a little God face smack this week, when we were at Disney the lady checking us out was a single mom from Thailand. We got to talking and I told her my story about loosing Gary and going back to school. She made a comment about how nice it must be to have so much help and that she was all alone and she could never go to school.
At first I got a bit perturbed, I thought wait one second, help? I have to take my kids to school with me and they camp outside the door while I am in school. I have to carve out uninterrupted school work time at 3 a.m. after they go to bed. I wanted to say baby I an making this work on my own.
God stopped my thoughts and made me think about the ladies who have proof read my home work the way Gary used too and the friends who have set up new beds and installed broken door knobs. Those are all things that I could not do on my own.
Friends that pick up my girls and take them to meetings so I can have a few hours of peace to actually get something done on my homework. The list could go on and on.
I have Gary's Dad, Mom and brothers who are there for us when we need them and they understand when we are still emotional at family functions.
I have neighbors who are knocking on our door at the slightest hint of something off at the house.
My Mom lives with us some of the time and well I don't have enough space in the whole blog to list the way she helps. We have been without her for months while she recovers from cataract surgery at my sisters. Things are a bunch harder but I think we needed to be able to stand on our own. It will be a blessing though to have her back in a few months.
I am still trying to get comfortable in my own skin, you know looking back I do not think I have ever been comfortable with who I am. I have always said to myself I would be OK if? But God is really pushing me too accept myself for who I am, I am not perfect (far from it) but I am not that bad either. I am going to be entering a work force that is filled with extremely confidant beautiful people and I am going to have to shine a God confidence if I am going to succeed in this field.
At almost 40 I am still such a work in progress. God is the painter of the masterpiece that is my life I just need to stop mucking the picture up and making him have to repaint large sections over and over.
Please be in prayer for us on a couple of things.
My eldest goes in for a biopsy on her neck next week I am praying they can do it in office and not have to take her into the operating room. I am also praying that the biopsy comes back completely benign.
My middle daughters health and some emotional issues that plague my youngest.
Please pray for ridiculous favor for me in my schooling and as I begin to apply for jobs that come up. I have lived comfortably on life insurance for a while now and I need to get a job soon and supplement my income and lean less on life insurance.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Do you ever feel like you have a little demon and the little angels on your shoulders each telling you the exact opposite things. You know the guys I am talking about they used to be in all those those old cartoons.
Finishing out my second year as a widow those little voices are screaming at me.
Angel: You are doing exactly what God has planned for you to be doing.
Devil: You really must be stupid to think that you will EVER succeed at this writing thing.
Angel: You are a strong woman handling this single mom thing wonderfully.
Devil: Please you and your children are ticking time bombs ready to explode.
Angel: God is going to move you into new areas in your life and re-fire dreams that you thought were long gone.
Devil: You are insane to think the you will be or do anything other than what you are right now you will never amount to anything special.
In the last two years everything in my life has gone into flux. I was perfectly content to be a stay at home mom and wife for the rest of my life and now I am in a place where that is really not an option anymore.
I have felt like God told me this is a time in my life when I need to step out in faith and take risks to accomplish new things. I want to accomplish new things, I want to figure out what makes Cindy, Cindy. I want to figure out who I am and who God wants me to be.
My time as someones caretaker is going to quickly be gone. My girls are growing up at warp speed, I will always be their Mom but there will come a day when Mom is not my sole identity. What will be left then.
I have tried to throw caution to the wind and put myself and my writing out there for all the world to see, thankfully the response I have gotten has mostly been positive, it worries me that the few bits of negative (they really weren't negative just not "gushy") feedback I have gotten, I find myself actually getting depressed over. I know I won't make it far in life if I let every negative thing make me cry.
As the world celebrated Valentines Day this past week, of course I felt alone. I miss the love of a good Godly man in my life so much. I thought for a moment, if God came down to earth and put me on some cosmic "Lets make a deal" and behind
Box number 1: God would allow Gary himself to hand pick someone for me to have a relationship with and mary.
Box number 2: You and your girls have the adventure of a lifetime, fulfilling the inner most dreams that I hid in your heart as a child.
You know what the answer is? I think it would be box number 2. As much as it hurts to be lonely, I want to find out all that I personally could become even more.
Even though I do not want a relationship, I did put kiss one man as a New Years goal this year. Don't Judge I have only ever kissed Gary and I am almost 40 years old I want to test drive a few other sets of lips ;)
I heard this line of a song on the radio this evening and I thought it summed up my inner struggle/rambling pretty well-
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
(10th avenue north Worn)
So I guess I need to focus on silencing the little devil on my shoulder the next couple of months. And listen only to the Angel. Stuff is about to take off in our life and I don't want to let fear or any nagging little devil to steal one moment of anything God has for us away.
I have all ready had my first published magazine article this year, I have published several articles on an Internet news site and next month I will be working on my second published piece, by the end of the term, my teacher is going to help me piece together a collection of short stories so maybe by summer I will be ready to publish that book about our life I have been working half heartily on forever. I will also have my own website up by the end of this term with a full portfolio of my work.
I remember right after Gary passed away God told me to just rest and make some new memories with the girls. He told me when things start moving they are going to move at light speed. Well things are starting to move and I am determined to silence the little devils in my life and throw my hands up and enjoy the ride come what may. No matter what happens with God and my three beauties it is sure to be an adventure :)
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Progress Report
Last week the girls and I had our family pictures taken. We went to the cemetery where Gary is buried to get our photos taken. It seemed a tad macabre at first but after seeing how nice the pics turned out I was glad we went there.
The term family pictures was hard to put on our photo shoot. It is still weird to consider us a family without Gary here with us. After 18 months you would have thought we would be okay with this new abnormal family unit we have, but we all miss Gary so much, every day.
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My first term at UNF was definitely less than Stellar. I only earned half of the credits I tried for. That was really hard for me to deal with. Since I have been going back to school anything less than and A was unacceptable.
I earned a C in my multimedia reporting class and I was dancing in the streets for that C. My teacher liked my writing style but he got so frustrated with my lack of polish in regards to grammar.
Bottom line the fact that I could put together a descent story was the only thing that saved my bacon in that class. That gave me a ray of hope that maybe, I can do this and maybe it isn't completely insane me doing this college thing.
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This term, I am doing four classes again. My friends tell me that is insane. The fact of the matter is I didn't want to mess up my student aide and it happened to work out to where I could take three classes online so I only had to go into school twice a week.
At the end of last term I really wanted to just quit school and find a job, answering a telephone somewhere but I knew if I did that Gary would have kicked my fanny from heaven.
So far I am doing better this term. I am retaking one of the classes that I made a D in, a nutrition class, Intro to fiction writing and Multi media reporting.
The first two classes are pretty simple and straight forward. The second two have kept my hyper creative mind active. In fiction class, we will have a novel of short stories complete by the end of the term. I am working on fictionalizing the couple of months before Gary died till now. I am trying to capture the emotions and thoughts that I dealt with as a widow so one day I can publish it and when someone else goes through this pain they can read my book and realize they can survive.
The second class is Multimedia reporting. This class goes at warp speed. This is the only class that I actually go to a class for. I am glad I do I cant imagine this class online. Every time we are with the professor he, for lack of a better analogy, barfs up so much knowledge to us. It all comes so fast and furious it almost makes my head spin.
We have written internet new stories and created everything from tweets to glavatar's. He has really helped us all so much. I feel like after five weeks in his class that I am a better writer and I feel more confidant that I might be able to do this writing thing.
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I am not sure what God would have me do with all this knowledge that these awesome professors are pouring into me. Most of the youngins that I take these classes with know exactly how they want to use their degree. I get asked what I want to do with my degree and I really cannot tell you for sure. To be honest I guess I still do not have enough confidence in myself to try for anything because I feel like I will probably fail. God is working on that attitude too.
If I could snap my fingers and put myself into a career of my choosing, I would be writing faith based movies with the likes of Corbin Bernsen and The Kendrick brothers. What God does with my eventual career well that is still to be determined. I want what God wants for me.
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I started 2013 in a good way. God has been giving me many opportunities to increase my confidence. I was published in a newspaper for the first time ever. Which was EPIC for my confidence. Over Christmas break I discovered the wonderful world of fan fictions and I have been writing fan fictions based on the television show Psych and have enjoyed some wonderful reviews for my work. I actually have fans who read all my work, me fans, go figure :). I was even given five stars on another fan fiction site. I know that as a writer I am going to be severely criticized and it is going to shake my confidence I am grateful that God has given me a time period to build up a base of confidence so I can go out there and face the criticism.
You can ask my children, I cried over the one bad review I got. Sad I know but it is the truth.
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God is continuing the process of recreating Cindy and He is working at light speed. So much continues to happen so fast. I am anxious to start my life in a career and I think the girls are anxious too. They want me to write for a television show so they can hang out on the set. I don't know we will see what God has in store for us.
I guess the one thing that has changed dramatically over the last few months has been the progression from surviving to actually looking forward to the future and excited about where God is taking me. I still would give my right arm to have my sweet man with me and have the biggest worry in my day be how I am going to explain that McDonalds receipt to him.
I can't have my old life back and even if I could it would be weird because I am not the same person. I think, I hope, Gary would be proud of me, he worked so hard the last few months of his life trying to get me ready to face the world without him. I strive to be the person that he thought I could be.
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