"I am alive, even though a part of me has died.. take my heart and breathe it back to life" This is a line from a song that means so much to me not just as a good song but it has been a banner over my life recently. As I approach the one year anniversary of loosing Gary to that horrible disease I realize that I have been really treading water this past year. I have felt so down and depressed lately and plain overwhelmed I thought to myself wow I should really be getting through this all ready why am I not?? God told me the fact that I know realize how down I am means the numbness is wearing off and the healing is beginning. I know now that it is so foolish to even think a year was long enough to grieve. Through my grief I also have to realize the "normal" I am waiting to come back never will, it died with Gary. What my new normal is going to look like I am still not sure to be honest.
We recently went through a particularly nasty tropical storm  and we were all frightened at times during the storm. One point Merry looked at me and said
"I wish Daddy was here he knew how to take care of things and calm me down." My first thought was you am me both baby but then I have to admit I got my feelings hurt, here I am busting my hiney trying to be mom AND dad and all the thanks I get is her saying I wish Daddy was here?? (childish of me I know just being real here) I just yelled at God I am sorry I am not being everything to everyone but I am trying. God answered back very sweetly "I don't want you to be mom and dad or everything to everyone I just want you to be the best you , you can be" Wow that is really freeing to me I have to be the best me I can be and let God fill in the rest. God said he would be the father to the fatherless.
This single parent thing is a very complicated endeavor I am going to royally screw up about a 100 billion times but eventually I  will get to heaven  and all my scars will be washed away and God will hold me and say its over now. Hopefully he will also say well done good and faithful servant you were the you I created and I am proud of you.

The process of redefining who I am has been a wild adventure so far. I graduated the community college with my AA degree and I applied and was admitted into the University of North Florida. I some times cannot believe that I have gotten this far I honestly thought that I was NEVER going to get this far :). I went for my advising session at UNF and I sat at the outside of the office and just broke down crying I could feel Gary there beside of me telling me how amazingly proud he was of me and telling me I KNEW you could do it. In the past year since Gary died I have had to make so many decisions about everything from having to buy a new car to choosing what material to replace our drive way with. I seems like EVERYTHING in our house has broken since Gary died but you know what I think it is Gods way of forcing me tom recreate myself. God is not allowing me to take security in things he is making me totally rely on HIM. When in the past I would call Gary at work about what choices I made now I have to take time to go to my Heavenly Father and ask HIM what I should do. I have to trust in God and trust in myself. Gary was the head of our house and I defaulted most things to him. I knew he was going to go to God so I did not worry but now I am the head of our household. In the past year my confidence in myself has increased. I graduated,I took the girls on vacations,I bought refrigerators and dishwashers and bought cars I DID ALL THAT :) I am happy to say that I choose pretty well. I am even typing this blog on the new laptop that I picked out. I would have NEVER done that before it is empowering I am realizing that I am more than what I thought I was I can really graduate college and I can really have a career and be a mom too ;) Up till this year any confidence I had in myself was put there by Gary. He was the most wonderful awesome partner in life I could ever have asked for. He tried so hard to help me see myself as more than the limited picture of myself that I had. I always looked at him for my confidence not believing I had it in myself to do things. Now that he is gone I am beginning to see myself in the way that he saw me all along. Bless his heart when he realized him beating the cancer was unlikely he began to "train" me in small things like paying my bills or making small choices he let me test my wings with a safety net of sorts. Now I think he would be so proud of me doing all the things that I have up to this point and getting myself 4 shot terms away from graduating with a bachelors degree. I am even about to have my first book published, a cute music theory book that I wrote many years ago but was to afraid to print it. Not anymore being a writer is my dream and I won't achieve it unless I venture out and that is what I am going to do. Four days before Gary died he looked at me and told me "don't forget I see you becoming an author and speaker like Beth Moore". I told him he always thought so much more of me that I could ever do but now why can't I do that. Gary used to hear from God prophetically maybe this was one of those times. I may not become Beth Moore but I am going to give this writing a try and I am going to graduate UNF and I am going to be a success at what I do because I believe that God put in me things that I haven't even began to discover as of yet. I have believed for a long time if we could only see ourselves as God sees us we could do anything. Here is to trying to see myself as God sees myself and believe in myself as Gary used his final breathes to help me see myself. I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens  me :) 

Small Victories

The process of recreating me is sometimes a very difficult one. Today was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do in a while, I ordered new checks this time though my checks will just say Cindy on it and not Gary and Cindy. I know most of you reading this are like Oh kay you have been through so much and THIS is hard. It is hard because it puts a finality on the whole thing I am not Cindy married to Gary anymore I am Cindy single mom. I am not a fan of that title either and still cringe when I tell people I am a widow. I hate the "ahhh you are so young to be a widow" yes yes I am young and no I wasnt married to a 89 year old he was only 42 yada yada yada it is never a simple conversation after that lol. The kids have gotten at gymnastics or other events " why havent we seen your dad here" they answer back with an incredious "cuz he is dead". I guess it still sorta stings for us it is all so fresh still.
One HUGE accomplishment is going to happen in two weeks I will graduate college with my AA degree granted I have to get two  more years in at the University but getting my AA is mile moving a mountain for me. It has taken me 20 years to get this degree. I pray the BS will not take another 20 I have to start being able to support my kids on my own soon. I plan on celebrating in a HUGE way when I get that peice of paper. Gary wanted me to get my degree more than anything else and I hope I make him proud.
I feel rally blessed right now I am living off of social security and life inscurance now I do not have to get a job I can sit back and concentrate on raising my girls and helping us heal. I think they are going through a reinvention process too. It will be so interesting to see what we all look like at the end of this process.
We have a couple of bitterseweet things coming up.. Monday night we are having a baloon release in honor of Gary and others who have passed on. Monday is Gary's birthday so the event will be laced with his favorite color green and the color of his cancer awarness ribon (zebra print). The other thing will be the Relay for life Gary's Dad got the idea of forming a team to raise money for cancer research in Gary's name. We will be Team Gary the team that lives long and prospers (star trek qoute Garys fav). It will be an honor to take part in the event but it will be hard being a caregiver that lost their loved one. I watched the video of the survivors lap that takes place and sat in my bed and cried my eyes out. I prayed so hard that Gary would one day march proudly wearing the title of survivor. I tried to get him to let me push him in a wheel chair 2 years ago but he wouldnt because he didnt think that he would be a survivor.  Another video had a luminary that said we miss you so much daddy on it with kid pictures drawn and again I lost it. So my main contribution to the team that day will be Kleenex ;) cause I am gonna need it, but getting up and stepping out of my sadness and depression and DOING something that will make a difference I know Gary would be proud. I will post the link to donate when I get it.

So much continues to happen life rolls on and on but you know I have Gary tucked in my heart I still here is words " I am so proud of you I knew you coukd do it" , "your doing great baby stop worrying so much", "No matter what our hearts are still one". Hr told me before he died he was going to be my biggest cheerleader from heaven and I feel him every minute cheering me and the girls on. I love you babe :)

Halftime

I saw an add during the Super bowel that told America that they are now in the halftime and need to come out fighting to win the game. That is how I feel the first half of the game started beautiful but ended brutal but now I am sitting in the locker room waiting to hear how the coach wants me to finish the game. I am just waiting not striving or struggling God with his immense care has seen to our needs for the short while. So I am just waiting. Waiting is something that is incredibly difficult to do for someone like me but I am trying. Trying to carve out time to spend with God just listening. Some stuff has been said I know what direction I am going to go with my college degree that was a huge struggle. Things are beginning to move a little for us the girls have gotten involved with either music or sports and I have begun to teach some cake decorating classes again. March 5th I begin the last two classes to complete my associates degree. I have not gotten involved with any ministries or any out side activities, I know those will come. I am giving myself a lot of grace when it comes to getting back into activities, my girls have been my top priority as they should be.
I get frustrated at myself I can do so good emotionally for so long I think I have got this down and then something like Valentines day comes and it is like someone ripped the band aid off a hairy arm, the wound is uncovered and the area is irritated. There are times where I would give everything that I owned to be in Gary's embrace for 5 minutes. I miss the unconditional love that he showered on me. I know his love and memory will never die but I am sorry that doesn't help when you cant look into his deep brown eyes and feel totally and completely loved with one look.We had a long talk about this very thing shortly before he died he told me to always remember that he loved me more than he ever thought was possible for him to love another human being but he is going to be happy in the arms of Jesus and he is going to be cheering me on till I meet him again. (sob break) He told me that he knew I didn't like being alone but he told me God has something planned for this time of being alone, but he told me I am praying for the man that comes along latter and helps you eventually finish the race. He was so funny he told me he is praying for the man to be an amazing spiritual leader of the home but also a sex machine :) He was such a mess he knew when to throw something in there to make me bust out laughing when I was in tears. Once the second half of the game starts it is going to be interesting NOTHING is the same. I am now a single mom of three teenage daughters (I have to keep saying that because it is so scarey to say) . I know that this phase in my life is the phase I think God wanted me to go through before I was married but I didn't. This is a time for me to find out who I am! Why did God create me like I am what about me needs to fall away and what about me needs to be allowed to flourish. I need to like and appreciate myself for who I am and believe that I can do anything I set my mind to do. I need to believe that I have something to say to people that can make a difference. I need to believe that I am like Hailey's comet that comes around once in a lifetime and if I don't share the gifts that God gave me then I am cheating the world. I need to learn how to effectively help other women discover the same about themselves. I need to believe that I am the woman that God and Gary told me I was. Shew the second half of this Game is going to be amazing and I will always hear the words of my biggest fan telling me YES GO FOR IT!!!
I am also looking forward to the day God helps me to find love again. I am not sure if that will ever happen. I loved Gary more completely and more passionately than I ever could have possibly loved someone he was my one and only love I never dated or kissed another he was my all and all and I miss him so much on this valentines day. We never had a lot of money so our gifts were never extravagant to he would write me a love poem the valentine before last he played you are my sunshine on his guitar and sang it to me. Even if he cant reciprocate this valentines day baby this is for you
The parenthesis are the motions to the song :)

You are my sunshine (my hands around my head like a sun) my only sunshine you make me happy(fingers making my mouth smile) when skies are gray (pointing with a sad face to the gray carpet) you'll never know dear (with hands beside my head like antlers) how much I love you please don't take my sunshine away(sad face waving at you blowing kisses to heaven)

You’ve thought about it, talked about it, and done nothing about it. It’s time to get yourself up and get UR life on track to follow UR dream. Like the fleeting rainbow after the storm. During trials in our life’s when can get so caught up talking about the storms we are weathering or the damage they have done, that we don't see the rainbow that presents itself.

I am not sure where I saw this quote but I found it on one of those sticky notes on my computer. I will run across something and copy and paste it to one of those notes usually never to look at them again. This one struck me today for a banner for 2012. This is going to be a year like no other obviously most of all because of missing Gary but I have a feeling it is going to be like no other year. We camped out at the Valley of the shadow of death for two years it is time to go up the next mountain.
Happy Christmas to everyone and Happy almost New Year :)

Limbo :(

Do You ever feel like your life is odley similar to the movie Groundhogs Dady?? You wake up every morning thinking life will go on but instead you have to go through the same mess day after day. That is what my life is getting to be like we are in this merry go round of emotions happy one minute then missing Daddy the next. None of us have felt 100% since August and life seems to keep slamming us. First the air conditioner, then a series of small things inside break then the tree on the car thing. We learned to not say whats next a long time ago but we still think it. We were all doing pretty good when we went to the Great wolf lodge. We got a chance to just have a little fun and we had some good one on one talks. But once we got back home and the realization that its Christmas time sort of ripped the scab of our heart and it has been hurting just as much as ever. Daddy was a HUGE part of Christmas he did everything with us now I am stuck trying to keep Christmas going and we are trying to figure out how we can rework our whole Christmas. The joy sure isnt in Christmas this year. We ended up purchasing a new tree and a bunch of new ornaments and we have been getting ornaments that represent our new family of 4. None of us want to forget about what was, there would be no way we ever could, but something simple like getting new ornaments helps us make sort of a line in the sand. We are heading to Disney for a couple of days next week I am hoping Mickey can induce some Christmas spirit in us cause right now we do not have any. We all Love the pagentry of celebrating Jesus birth and we will do that too at home and at church. The sad thing now is when I think of heaven all I can think is I want to go NOW I miss Gary so much. There is a line in a song that makes me cry everytime it says "If home is where my heart is than I am out of place". How can I be mom and dad to my girls, run my home, go back to school and start earning a little money next year how am I going to do that when I cant even get my heart in the right place. I am so praying that 2012 will bring some joy and prosperity for us all. I am not alone in my grief this year alone we as a church family have sent several babies and adults to reside in heaven. The girls and I tease pretty soon they will have a Christ the redeemer church heaven campus. That is being silly toward a sad sad fact so many people are in similar boats as me I just pray that clarity of purpose and strength beyond measure will come to all who have suffered this year.

ps The girls tell me I have finally gotten comfortable with saying that I am a widow. It is a big thing for me. When Gary first died and someone would do something for us they would say "God told us to care for widows and orphans" and it would just make me boil now I say thank you I desperatley needed your help :) so hey tiny stteps right ;-)

All things NEW

The weekend before Thanksgiving we were getting ready to head out on our first really big vacation 2 weeks 3 hotels and about a billion miles ( okay not a billion) and what happened a TREE fell on our car. Yes you read that right a tree and we ended up letting insurance fix it and I bought a new one .I knew that this car wasn't going to last too much longer it was a 99 but I wasn't planing on spending the money and going through the mess of a new car purchase yet. True to the way God has been working we went from a Ford Expedition to a Honda Odyssey something completely different then before. The car is only the first of many things since Gary died that I have had to do differently it seems that slowly God is forcing me from the the things we had as a married couple and making me make decisions and changes that I have to to take ownership of . I may be over analyzing this but to me God is making me stand on my own two feet. I was always really horrible at decisions I would ALWAYS let Gary make the finale call on choices that affect the whole family. Now I don't have him I have to rely on myself and God to make choices and that is so super scary. It seems that God has put me in this really scary situation but has given me all the padding and security I need to GO FOR IT!! I am thirty eight years old and I have a blank slate I can go and do and be anything I want too be. I am now and will always be Mom to three amazing young ladies but the youngest will be in college in seven short years and it will be me alone. I sit and think holy mosses what am I gonna be when I grow up. Someone asked me if I could be anything in the world what would it be?? I have to turn of the "practical side" if I could do anything in the entire world what would it be. I took all those aptitude tests hoping that would lead me in the right direction but no joke my results where you could do anything other than an acceptance or a computer programmer. Gee thanks that doesn't help a bit it out ruled the only two jobs that would be the equivalent to a living hell for me. I love to do three things ,other than mom cause that is a given.
1) Help people. I love to help people in anyway. I get so fulfilled by helping teach someone a new skill or counsel someone or be the one who smiles at someone any kind of helping I love.
I am not sure how that is going to fit in my eventual career but it will be in the helps somehow.

2) Cake decorating I enjoy the creative process involved in cake decorating picking apart a design and putting it back together to help make a wonderful cake.
Starting in January I am going to amp my cake side business up and hopefully start supplementing my income a bit and not rely totally on social security and life insurance. I have been to unsure of myself before now to really put myself out there in any area I hate rejection but I have come to a place where if I am rejected what will happen. Nothing the sky won't fall life will not end I will try again the worse thing that will happen is I have a ton of stuff to bless other people with who can't afford cakes so it is a win win

3) My last big love is writing. I was told in college by my English teacher that I could be a writer one day but I better have a wonderful editor ( he knew me well). I blew him off because I did not have the self confidence to pursue something that is pretty much guaranteed to have rejection. I never really had the self confidence to do much. I always thought I am going to fail so why try well not anymore. I wrote for a homeschool newspaper for two years I wrote a fairly successful blog with my husband for two years and I have been published in other medical related newspapers in regards to my health issues, so now I can say I am a published writer I actually have enough stuff to make up a pretty descent portfolio. What do I have to loose? This next year I am going to dust off a children's music theory book I wrote a few years ago and see about publishing it I am almost done with an Advent devotional book. I am also in the process of turning our cancer blog into a book and a devotion book on grief. If God is for me who can be against me and if the things I write only serve to encourage one other person then they are totally worth it.

I say all this to ask that you all my friends and family hold me accountable if you see me slipping into my old ways of saying I am not good enough or I was stupid to even suggest I do this you have permission to smack me silly. I am determined to live out this life to make Gary and God proud of me. If I achieve earthly success yippee but the success I want is hearing well done good and faithful . Thank you all for walking with me through this recreation journey I could not d this without you.