Believing in my self.

There are a few people in my life that I can go to that I absolutely trust. Tonight I went to that person in my life and talked to them about some significant life changes that the girls and I feel are God ordained.

The desperate person in my mind would love for someone to come and confirm that yes I did hear God right and if you follow through with this you wont screw you and your kids life up forever. 

This person is wise enough not to do that for me. Instead he made me think for myself. At first he said it was hard to learn to believe that God would provide and I agreed with him at first but then I caught myself. I don't worry about that one bit. Well okay a little, but it isn't a driving fear. 

While Gary was ill God provided in such miraculous ways it isn't that hard anymore to believe that God can do some crazy stuff. I told him I don't doubt God's provision one bit. The next thing he said hit my issue right on the head. 

You need to learn to believe in yourself.  Even the girls in the car on the way home told me, "Mom, when are you going to realize the only person that doesn't believe in you is you." 

I spent the entire car ride home going round and round in my head with God over the fact that I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I can make a career for myself. I don't trust that I deserve and that I am talented enough to fulfill the dreams that he has placed in me. I don't trust that I will not fail and fall flat on my face. I don't trust that I will not screw my girls life up and they will end up hating me for it. 

God reminded me the last time I hemmed and hawed about a decision that he called me to make. He told me to replace my Expedition. I loved that car and I didn't really want to trade it in so I kept putting it off till one day God just about yelled at me to do what he told me to do and I said, "No God not right now." 

Can I give you a small piece of advice. Do NOT tell God No not right now. We got home and went into the house and a half an hour later we heard a loud BANG and the girl next door rang our door bell and reported, "Ms. Schriver, I think you need to come outside a tree fell on your car." Oh and I forgot to mention we were going on a 2 week vacation the next day. 

I swear I could hear God snicker and tell me, "Told you not to wait." With the help of an amazing father in law I bought a used Honda Van (cannot even begin to spell the name of it) and went on vacation while the insurance fixed the Expedition and I was able to sell it at a good price and blessed a couple with it. 

That made me move a little quicker when God tells me to do something. 

Back to now. God told me in the car, "If you are acting in obedience to what you believe I am telling you to do and you go after it with all your heart, no matter if you heard me incorrectly at the beginning or not I will bless your effort to obey my calling. If you did hear me right then the blessings will still come." 

He reminded me that this time is the beginning of Life 2.0 for the girls and I. I am going to mess up a lot but I am also going to do a lot right and the girls will grow up and start careers and families of their own. 

The motivation behind my life choices right now are simple. I want everything God has for me. I don't want to limit God and limit what he can do through me. 

Gary spoke over me before he died that he saw me as an author and teacher like Beth Moore. Do I believe in myself enough to do that. Um no but I believe in a God who likes to take the foolish things of this earth and confound the wise with them and I totally qualify as a foolish thing. 

The last thing the person I spoke with tonight said to me is when you finally believe in yourself and what God called you to do stop talking and seeking approval from other people. 

Did I mention that this guy has an uncanny knack to find the exact root of the problem and put his thumb on it. I cant help it. I am a people pleaser I want you to be happy with me and love me and stand with me and be a cheerleader to me, if someone says something against me about something I shut down and begin to doubt myself in big ways. 

God is calling me and all of us really to allow God to be our cheerleader and encourager. It doesn't matter if the world is against you if God if for you than you have all ready won. 

I feel better. Thank God for amazing friends in my life. Friends that do not have a problem with telling me like it is. I tease this person that he could tell someone to go to hell and they would thank him. That is how good this guy is ;) 

Life is scary but God is bigger than it all. When I get to heaven I don't want to have missed one opportunity that he had for me. I was blessed with an amazing man that was the most wonderful amazing husband a girl could ask for. I have been blessed with three amazing girls that I get to have the privilege to watch and grow and plant seeds in them that will one day bloom and spread out over the world. 

I want to be an example to them that it is okay to have a dream and it is okay to work for that dream. 

I want to get to heaven in about 60 years and have God tell me well done good and faithful servant you lived your life to the very max and I am proud of you.

Schooled by my 14-year-old

I am writing this at 3 in the morning so I am not sure what this will look like. I have been trying to proof my posts and make them as neat as possible but it is late so be merciful. 

Since Gary's death the girls have taken on certain aspects of life that Gary handled. Stuff like killing bugs and taking out the trash is Annie. Computer stuff is handled by Merry and the occasional heart to heart to encourage is being handled by Cassie. 

Tonight was one of those nights. Cassie is so funny when Gary died she was PISSED at me (I know that is not a nice word but it is appropriate for how much she hated me) I honestly spent many hours praying not to loose her. I would beg God to let Gary come and give her a talking too. 

Well tonight we had a heart to heart. We have been discussing as a family our plans for the future. She asked me if I had heard any direction from God lately (how cool is that for your kid to ask that) and I was honest, I told her that I felt like God told me to pray specifically. 

Pray for what I want to happen. I told her that is kinda the problem I am not really sure if God came down and gave me a blank check for the next five years what I would ask him for. 

I told her that I long for a relationship again but I know that is not what God wants from me right now. 

I told her part of me wishes I could just go back to being a wife and mom again and not worry about careers or paying bills. I know that God wants me to figure out who I am and what I can become with God's help before I become anyone else's wife again.  

I told her that I wished I would have taken time after high school to figure these things out but the allure of becoming Mrs. Gary Schriver was too much (I am not a patient person).  

This part is where she blew me away. I told her that I am grateful I didn't wait though because Gary was instrumental in molding me into the person I am today and that person might just be able to make this new life work, with Gods help. 

She told me that I can't give Daddy all the credit for molding me, he did work hard in molding and developing me but she said all of his work would have been for nothing if I didn't allow myself to grow and be changed. She told me I should be proud of myself because alot lumps try to get made into something beautiful but they don't let the sculptor work. 

She hit on the real issue in my heart. I know what I desire for our life in the next 5 years but honestly I don't think I deserve the things I want. 

I always thought I did good work because Gary was behind me. Cassie told me that yeah Daddy (Gary) helped alot but he didn't do that stuff for you he was just your cheerleader and he still is. 

Out of the mouths of babes. Now I am going to spend the weekend making a list of my hearts desires for the next 5 years and we will see what happens. 

I did one of those lists for my future husband and God answered every single one of the requests down to feet bigger than mine.