One of my largest character flaws is my self confidence. I tend to care WAY to much about what people think about me and value their words over what I know to be true and what I know God has told me.
I spent 16 years married to an amazing man that spent everyday of his life battling the demons of my insecurities. I also spent,I think, five years in Mentor/Mentee relationships and another two years with a life coach to try and get me into a better place to do all that God has for me.
Low self confidence just isn't something that can make you shy, for me it is something that has been a weight around my neck holding me in place when God has wanted to drag me to new places in my life.
I always thought my lack of confidence was because of my height and weight. I was six foot in 5th grade with a full DD chest and always on the chubby side of life. One day I had a mentor blow my mind she told me that my confidence issues come from the fact that I am a perfectionist and when I do not reach some level of perfection I turn on myself.
When Gary was ill all the fluff in life fell away and it wasn't a matter of finishing the race in style it was just a matter of finishing and when I came out the other end still living and not completely a vegetable from all the stuff that we went through, for the first time in my life I was proud of myself. Suddenly the world is seen through a different lens. I made it through hell you aren't going to stop me.
That whole confidence was shaken when I started to exist as a single mom in a world of two parent families. To hear your kids asked, "Wheres your Dad? Why don't we ever see him at events?" is hard. That threw all of our confidences off. The world wants to put labels on you and that isn't cool. I used to be a labeler to until I felt the sting of them and now I am trying to stop.
Today was a tough day for me I was on a month contract with a job with the understanding that if there wasn't an impact that made the expense worth it then the contract would not be renewed. My rational mind is perfectly cool with that notion but my irrational mind said there is no way it would not be renewed. Well guess what, it was not renewed. I am proud at my over 40 self I thanked them for the opportunity and wished them well and meant it.
Ten years ago I would have broken down into tears, spending the next week depressed and asking WHY why what did I do wrong?
When I got out of the meeting that ended my contract I stopped and thought
"Did I do the best job that I was able to do?" - "Yep"
"Did I go over and above what was expected"(its a personal perfectionist thing)- "Yep"
"Would you have changed anything if you could go back?" - "Nope"
"Did you do anything to burn a bridge or hurt feelings?" - "Nope"
Then all that equals you did your best so walk away and wait to see what amazing things God is going to fill that void with.
I know most people are reading this reaction and going, "yeah that is how most sane people would react big deal?" Go back to the sixth word in that sentence and you will find why it was a big deal for me. :)
I used to have women older than me tell me that you care what people think till you hit forty then God gives you a "Whatever" attitude. (They didn't say whatever the words may have had an f and a u when describing the attitude you get but I won't use such language in my blog)
I think back to seventeen year old me (shiver) and the emotional conflict I would go through when moved from third chair to back row in chorus. Thinking he wanted to get rid of me because he hated me when in reality I was a good foot taller than all my counter parts. I was hard to miss. I was in choir with Gary's brother and Gary saw me for the first time at one of those concerts he said he couldn't stop looking at the tall nubian beauty in the back row with the long black hair.
I am so glad to be the forty one year old woman who still struggles with herself but it isn't a struggle that says I can't do it, it is more of a how do I do things. That just dawned on my as I type I haven't even thought I can't do something in the last few years. I may have had to think how do I adapt my physical limitations to make things work but never doubted my ability. Hmmm I wish Gary could see me know.
I love when a new struggle comes my way the girls automatically say, "Eh you drove three kids across country by yourself, you can do anything"
2015 is not starting how I dreamed it would (In California) or how I thought it would (with ESPN and working) but it is going to be really interesting.
I had an opportunity to work with ESPN and be a Research assistant helping to train cancer patients how to be better patients and I was struggling to figure out how I was going to do both. Merry looked at me and said, "You really don't give a rats behind about ESPN it is just to have the experience and this Cancer thing is something that you are passionate about go for the passion."
I am following the advice of a wise 14 year old and following my passion in 2015. Lord only knows where that will lead but it should be really fun to find out.
Goals for 2015
become descent in French again (took four years of it can't speak a lick past hi my name is Cindy)
take a summer trip from Jax to Rhode Island with the kids (their idea and heck I am game)
get a job that makes actual money (money is a huge struggle right now)
at least begin another book (haven't written anything for me in so long)
get knee replaced (it is getting really bad)
Vlog especially the road trips (single parent road warrior??)
Get back into Church (service times changed we have not made it to church lately)
Do three things I have never done before
regret nothing
Merry Christmas and Happy New year from the Schriver sorority to you.
