I start University of North Florida on monday. I have sat preparing all day today and I have had this gnawing fear about going to UNF and finishing my degree. I was not sure why, till just now as I prayed. This week will be the start of the rest of my life. It has been one year since Gary died and I have been blessed to be able to take that year and mourn and heal. Now though, I get back to work and finish my degree and get a job and move on with the rest of my life. It sounds so simple when it is written down, but emotionally it is anything BUT. I have to go forward into this scary world and the man that use to be there with the gentle loving kick in the pants ,I usually need, is gone. I have to completely rely on God and the whispers of past encouragement to see me through, that terrifies me. What if I fail? Failure really isn't an option life insurance will only last so long and then if I want to feed my kids, I am going to have to get a good job. What about other things in life what if someone asks me out on a date?? What if they don't?? How is a single Mom going to fit in with all her homeschooling friends. Honestly, I really don't "belong" anywhere now I am not married, I am not single by choice or by mans doing. I am not young anymore but I am not old either. I have to now define this new category for myself. It is all new everything down to the minutia of my life is new. I am not a fan of change, I like good old faithful. I feel like a six year old on a high dive trembling looking over the edge, wishing that she could go down the ladder to her moms arms, but excited at the possibilities that await her if she takes the plunge.
I worry as I move further on with my life that I will not think about Gary every second of every day. I don't want his image and amazingness to fade from my memory one inch but I have to build a memorial to him in my mind and allow other things in.
You know after a year of grief and mourning, I really thought something in my head would click and grief would be over and I would be fine (stupid as the day is long I know). I have known people that were getting engaged to the next love of their life at this point and I can't seem to get my mind off my first love. Grief is an amazing thing it is as different as the people who experience it. Even if I can't get Gary off my mind, I can tell you I am desperate to shake off these grave clothes. Gary told me to mourn then get busy living and finish school, so here you go sweet man... ready or not the rest of my life here I come...
