The process of recreating me is sometimes a very difficult one. Today was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do in a while, I ordered new checks this time though my checks will just say Cindy on it and not Gary and Cindy. I know most of you reading this are like Oh kay you have been through so much and THIS is hard. It is hard because it puts a finality on the whole thing I am not Cindy married to Gary anymore I am Cindy single mom. I am not a fan of that title either and still cringe when I tell people I am a widow. I hate the "ahhh you are so young to be a widow" yes yes I am young and no I wasnt married to a 89 year old he was only 42 yada yada yada it is never a simple conversation after that lol. The kids have gotten at gymnastics or other events " why havent we seen your dad here" they answer back with an incredious "cuz he is dead". I guess it still sorta stings for us it is all so fresh still.
One HUGE accomplishment is going to happen in two weeks I will graduate college with my AA degree granted I have to get two more years in at the University but getting my AA is mile moving a mountain for me. It has taken me 20 years to get this degree. I pray the BS will not take another 20 I have to start being able to support my kids on my own soon. I plan on celebrating in a HUGE way when I get that peice of paper. Gary wanted me to get my degree more than anything else and I hope I make him proud.
I feel rally blessed right now I am living off of social security and life inscurance now I do not have to get a job I can sit back and concentrate on raising my girls and helping us heal. I think they are going through a reinvention process too. It will be so interesting to see what we all look like at the end of this process.
We have a couple of bitterseweet things coming up.. Monday night we are having a baloon release in honor of Gary and others who have passed on. Monday is Gary's birthday so the event will be laced with his favorite color green and the color of his cancer awarness ribon (zebra print). The other thing will be the Relay for life Gary's Dad got the idea of forming a team to raise money for cancer research in Gary's name. We will be Team Gary the team that lives long and prospers (star trek qoute Garys fav). It will be an honor to take part in the event but it will be hard being a caregiver that lost their loved one. I watched the video of the survivors lap that takes place and sat in my bed and cried my eyes out. I prayed so hard that Gary would one day march proudly wearing the title of survivor. I tried to get him to let me push him in a wheel chair 2 years ago but he wouldnt because he didnt think that he would be a survivor. Another video had a luminary that said we miss you so much daddy on it with kid pictures drawn and again I lost it. So my main contribution to the team that day will be Kleenex ;) cause I am gonna need it, but getting up and stepping out of my sadness and depression and DOING something that will make a difference I know Gary would be proud. I will post the link to donate when I get it.
So much continues to happen life rolls on and on but you know I have Gary tucked in my heart I still here is words " I am so proud of you I knew you coukd do it" , "your doing great baby stop worrying so much", "No matter what our hearts are still one". Hr told me before he died he was going to be my biggest cheerleader from heaven and I feel him every minute cheering me and the girls on. I love you babe :)
